The Joke Thread (II)

**The Flying Mouse** · 30 Mar 2013, 05:41

It's been over a year since the Joke thread was used

Time for a new one

Carrying on from here

How full of water is your glass?
I met with 20 people to see what they thought.

An optimist - It's half full.

A pesimist - It's half empty.

A communist - The glass is no longer yours. We are taking the glass off you, and we are going to share the water between 50,000,000 people.

A fascist - Don't ask questions. Go to the nearest camp for "re-education".

A pirate - Why's the rum gone?

A capitalist - How much will you give me for it?

A Chinaman - I can produce more glasses of water than you, ship them 2,000 miles, and still sell them cheaper.

A martian - WTF is in that glass?

A govenment minister - I think it goes without saying there is more water in the glass than there was under my predesesors administration.

A customer service opperator - I can't tell you that right now, but if you listen to the Four Seasons for a couple of hours i'll let you know.

Jesus - Hey dude, you wanna see a trick, I mean this fill freak you the F*ck OUT! Watch the water, watch the water, BOOM! what did I tell you?

Steven King - It's full of tiny mosters that want to kill you as soon as you drink the water.

An Eskimo - There's no water, just a big ass ice cube.

A surrelist - It's the water that keeps the rest of the world falling into the glass.

A Scot - How much Whiskey can I get into that glass?

A fish - Not enough.

A Frenchman - I don't know, I give up.

A resident of Death Valley - It was full, but by the time you asked the question it's gone bone dry.

A tax man - It's your glass, but I want some.

Justin Bieber - Why did you just punch me?

**Monstro** · 24 Aug 2013, 15:31

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, she announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms? He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boyfriend goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. He quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

Wario · 04 Sep 2013, 01:11

Neil is a Moderator.

**Monstro** · 08 Sep 2013, 23:55

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by Westminster .'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' said the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.

Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

mjbo · 20 Sep 2013, 22:56

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

The Allied Steel Company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make about $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Sebastian. · 12 Dec 2013, 20:49

Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.

Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.

Yevonda · 12 Dec 2013, 22:21

Lol. Isn't that crazy. I heard about it on the news. It's a little scary that he was allowed to be that close to so many powerful people...

Guy · 13 Dec 2013, 00:57

what do you call a frenchman wearing sandles?
philippe phelop.

Guy · 07 Jan 2014, 08:51

what do you call an elephant that doesnt matter?
an irrelephant.

nozza · 07 Jan 2014, 10:54

Two eggs boiling in a pan one says phew its hot in here. the other says wait till you get out they bash your head in.

**Monstro** · 21 Mar 2014, 17:06

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The
waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table -
but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it
might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully began
by saying to the man "Pardon me, Sir, but I think your wife just slid
under the table.
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just
walked in."

Guy · 21 Mar 2014, 23:59

I've just met the inventor of the window sill.
What a ledge!

Yevonda · 22 Mar 2014, 17:12

That was hilarious Monstro! Thanks for a good laugh this Saturday morning.

Guy that was Puntastic!!

**Monstro** · 18 Apr 2014, 12:50

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."

30 Mar 2013, 05:41	#1
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	The Joke Thread (II) It's been over a year since the Joke thread was used Time for a new one Carrying on from here How full of water is your glass? I met with 20 people to see what they thought. An optimist - It's half full. A pesimist - It's half empty. A communist - The glass is no longer yours. We are taking the glass off you, and we are going to share the water between 50,000,000 people. A fascist - Don't ask questions. Go to the nearest camp for "re-education". A pirate - Why's the rum gone? A capitalist - How much will you give me for it? A Chinaman - I can produce more glasses of water than you, ship them 2,000 miles, and still sell them cheaper. A martian - WTF is in that glass? A govenment minister - I think it goes without saying there is more water in the glass than there was under my predesesors administration. A customer service opperator - I can't tell you that right now, but if you listen to the Four Seasons for a couple of hours i'll let you know. Jesus - Hey dude, you wanna see a trick, I mean this fill freak you the F*ck OUT! Watch the water, watch the water, BOOM! what did I tell you? Steven King - It's full of tiny mosters that want to kill you as soon as you drink the water. An Eskimo - There's no water, just a big ass ice cube. A surrelist - It's the water that keeps the rest of the world falling into the glass. A Scot - How much Whiskey can I get into that glass? A fish - Not enough. A Frenchman - I don't know, I give up. A resident of Death Valley - It was full, but by the time you asked the question it's gone bone dry. A tax man - It's your glass, but I want some. Justin Bieber - Why did you just punch me?

20 Sep 2013, 22:56	#5
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	New CEO If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! The Allied Steel Company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make about $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

24 Aug 2013, 15:31	#2
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, she announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms? He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boyfriend goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. He quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

04 Sep 2013, 01:11	#3
Wario Monstro helps me spell things... Join Date: 05.01.2007 Location: Masculine, Pennsylvania Posts: 9,105	Neil is a Moderator.

08 Sep 2013, 23:55	#4
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames . The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by Westminster .' 'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' said the big Croc. 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

12 Dec 2013, 20:49	#6
Sebastian. Biggles Join Date: 15.02.2011 Location: Texas Posts: 2,027	Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day. Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.

12 Dec 2013, 22:21	#7
Yevonda Super Loafer Join Date: 27.12.2012 Location: California Posts: 438	Lol. Isn't that crazy. I heard about it on the news. It's a little scary that he was allowed to be that close to so many powerful people...

13 Dec 2013, 00:57	#8
Guy Super Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: A small village in west sussex Posts: 865	what do you call a frenchman wearing sandles? philippe phelop.

07 Jan 2014, 08:51	#9
Guy Super Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: A small village in west sussex Posts: 865	what do you call an elephant that doesnt matter? an irrelephant.

07 Jan 2014, 10:54	#10
nozza Senior Loafer Join Date: 10.04.2011 Location: london Posts: 160	Two eggs boiling in a pan one says phew its hot in here. the other says wait till you get out they bash your head in.

21 Mar 2014, 17:06	#11
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully began by saying to the man "Pardon me, Sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table. The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."

21 Mar 2014, 23:59	#12
Guy Super Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: A small village in west sussex Posts: 865	I've just met the inventor of the window sill. What a ledge!

22 Mar 2014, 17:12	#13
Yevonda Super Loafer Join Date: 27.12.2012 Location: California Posts: 438	That was hilarious Monstro! Thanks for a good laugh this Saturday morning. Guy that was Puntastic!!

18 Apr 2014, 12:50	#14
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Essex girl. "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."