Answering Machine Madness....

MBrevard · 24 Jun 2003, 10:41

It seems that an increasing amount of our time is spent listening to recorded messages on answering machines. Here's one from...
THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

What's the funniest or strangest answering machine message you've ever heard?? OR ever posted on your machine?

Love,
MB
xxx

Chris · 24 Jun 2003, 11:58

I have a couple of different message son my machine. There is:

"Hi this is Chris's vacuum cleaning speaking. If you would like to leave a message speak clearly and you can be sure it's in the bag!"

"Hi this is the fridge speaking. Unfortunatley the answering machine has eloped with the toaster but if you speak nice and slowly, i'll spell your message with these magnetic letters!"

"Hello....hello......HELLO.... Well, I can't hear anyone"

"Hello, OK, your turn"

evil nickname · 24 Jun 2003, 12:01

I got one a while back: "here comes the beep"

all the information you'll ever need :-)

MBrevard · 25 Jun 2003, 13:48

Here's another rather timely one for you:

You've reached the office of Martha Stewart. I'll be out of touch for a while. For further information, contact my website at:

www. marthastewart.con

Love,
MB
xxx

R. · 25 Jun 2003, 22:57

Listen to this one.

Chris · 26 Jun 2003, 01:18

Found a few!!!

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

(Narrator's voice:) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

Testify · 26 Jun 2003, 14:20

These are very good!!

MBrevard · 28 Jun 2003, 12:06

A few more for you:

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking......
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er.... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern....
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

Love,
MB
xxx

24 Jun 2003, 10:41	#1
MBrevard Super Loafer Join Date: 06.02.2003 Location: Deceased Posts: 761	Answering Machine Madness.... It seems that an increasing amount of our time is spent listening to recorded messages on answering machines. Here's one from... THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. What's the funniest or strangest answering machine message you've ever heard?? OR ever posted on your machine? Love, MB xxx

28 Jun 2003, 12:06	#8
MBrevard Super Loafer Join Date: 06.02.2003 Location: Deceased Posts: 761	A few more for you: (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone". Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...... Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er.... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern.... This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape. Love, MB xxx

24 Jun 2003, 11:58	#2
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	I have a couple of different message son my machine. There is: "Hi this is Chris's vacuum cleaning speaking. If you would like to leave a message speak clearly and you can be sure it's in the bag!" "Hi this is the fridge speaking. Unfortunatley the answering machine has eloped with the toaster but if you speak nice and slowly, i'll spell your message with these magnetic letters!" "Hello....hello......HELLO.... Well, I can't hear anyone" "Hello, OK, your turn"

24 Jun 2003, 12:01	#3
evil nickname Guest Join Date: 19.04.2003 Posts: 2,238	I got one a while back: "here comes the beep" all the information you'll ever need :-)

25 Jun 2003, 13:48	#4
MBrevard Super Loafer Join Date: 06.02.2003 Location: Deceased Posts: 761	Here's another rather timely one for you: You've reached the office of Martha Stewart. I'll be out of touch for a while. For further information, contact my website at: www. marthastewart.con Love, MB xxx

25 Jun 2003, 22:57	#5
R. You dig. Join Date: 02.04.2002 Location: On the fothermucker Posts: 7,179	Listen to this one.

26 Jun 2003, 01:18	#6
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	Found a few!!! "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished." "Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money." (Narrator's voice:) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?" (From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!" "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets." "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you." "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you." "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

26 Jun 2003, 14:20	#7
Testify ragamuffin Join Date: 21.05.2003 Location: xxx daydreaming xxx Posts: 5,023	These are very good!!