View Full Version : Jokes
DIZZY DRUMMER
10 May 2004, 12:21
Mods - please feel free to merge these with other jokes - I can't find the thing :roll:
Aplogies in advance for the language - just copied off email :oops: :oops:
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to pi** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
Good" said the first bat, "because I fu***ng didn't"
airhead
10 May 2004, 16:43
wonder if jim steinman would say that in a speech before bat III??? :lol:
The wedding reception was over, and my daughter and her new husband had left to spend the night at her apartment. I wanted to ask her about some gifts and, without thinking, called her. We chatted briefly.
A little later I discovered that the groom had forgotten his wallet. Since they were leaving on their honeymoon in the morning, I phoned again.
My son-in-law answered. Sighing deeply when he heard my voice, he said, "Now I know what people mean when they say that you won't get much sleep on your wedding night."
My contribution for today
airhead
12 May 2004, 21:11
(i'm an essex girl so i'm allowed to say this :p
Only english people and know old fashioned sayings will understand this )
Why does an essex girl always hang her leg over the side of the bath?
So that her ankle chains don't rust!
What does a girl put behind her ears to attract a man?
Her feet!
DIZZY DRUMMER
13 May 2004, 13:58
WOMEN'S REVENGE
Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to The store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
WIFE V/S HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded," Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
THE BEAST
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
COFFEE
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
Keep Rocking
13 May 2004, 22:10
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to The store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
:lmao: :mrgreen: :up:
A little boy went up to a policeman and said "can you help me, I've lost my daddy"
The policeman said "Don't worry we'll find him, what's he like?"
The little boy thought for a moment before replying "Cheap drink and fast woman"
:lol: :lol:
DIZZY DRUMMER
18 May 2004, 13:33
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby
shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb
into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's
crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big
grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a
little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how
can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've
got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
:lurk:
:lurk:
:lurk:
:lurk:
:lurk:
:lurk:
:lurk:
:lurk:
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." :keke:
President Bush gets out of his helicopter
in front of the White House carrying a baby
pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention,
salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
Bush replies: "These are not pigs, these
are Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Vice-President Cheney, and I got one
for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention,
salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
Ageing Bat
04 Jun 2004, 12:12
While visiting England recently, George W. Bush was invited to have tea with the Queen. Given his recent political problems, he decides to take advantage of her years of leadership experience and asks her for her advice.
She responds that she surrounds herself with the most intelligent people in the country and let them do their job! Intrigued with this novel theory, Bush asks her how she is able to tell if the people are intelligent.
"I do so by asking them a test question" responds the Queen, "Allow me to demonstrate."
The Queen then dials 10 Downing Street and asks to speak to Tony Blair. "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer a hypothetical question for me."
"I'll do my best, Your Majesty" responds Blair.
"Your mother has a child and your father has a child" says the Queen. "The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"
Tony Blair hesitates momentarily and then confidently replies,
"Well, Your Majesty, I guess it would have to be me."
"Correct" says the Queen. "Thank you and good day to you Sir."
The Queen hangs up and says "Did you hear that Mr. Bush? See how clever he is."
Impressed, Bush replies "I certainly did. I'll definitely be using that one when I conduct my next Cabinet shuffle back in the US."
Upon returning to Washington, Bush decides he'd better put some of his senior Cabinet Members to the test. He summons Dick Cheney to his office and says, "Dick, I wonder if you could answer a question for me?"
"Why of course Sir" Cheney responds unenthusiastically, annoyed that the President was again seeking his input on something.
"Well, uh, let's say your mother has a child and your father too has a child. This child is not your brother and also is not your sister. Who is it?
Somewhat surprised at this odd question, Cheney hems and haws and finally asks if he can have some time to think about it.
"Certainly" responds Bush.
Cheney immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republicans and they puzzle over the question for several hours. Totally baffled, they decide to conduct some research and contact a loyal Washington consulting firm. A budget of $10 million is provided and intensive research is carried out over the next two weeks. Unfortunately, the consultants are unable to come up with an answer.
Desperate to prove that he is smarter than George, Cheney decides to take a chance and calls Al Gore.
"I realize you are just an Tennessee redneck and are not all that wise in the ways of the world, but maybe you can help me out with a problem I have.
Gore is naturally skeptical about Republican promises, but in the spirit of political co-operation he agrees to do what he can to help out.
"O.K., here goes" says Cheney. "Your mother has a child and your father has a child. The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"
Without hesitating, Gore responds "It would be me, of course."
Impressed at the his quick response, Cheney quickly brushes off Gore and rushes to the President's office (where he is watching football and eating snack foods under the careful observation of the Secret Service on the lookout for choking).
"I know the answer to your question, you Idiot!! I know who the child is!!"
Bush, who was privately becoming a bit concerned at the delay in hearing back from Cheney, is delighted (when he finally remembers what it was that he asked). "Who is it Dick?" he asks.
With obvious pride, Cheney replies "It's Al Gore, George - its Al Gore!!"
Stunned, Bush shouts in disgust, "Wrong you idiot - it's Tony Blair!!"
The Flying Mouse
02 Jul 2004, 12:53
:twisted: The Good news........
Saddam Hussein to get death penalty.
The Bad news.......
He'll probably live because David Beckham's taking it :roll:
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who lived in the deep South. It was getting near junior prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approached her brother and said, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" Little Johnny said, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" Johnny exclaimed. "Well, are you taking somebody else out?" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Little Johnny nodded. She continued, "So we should go with each other."
Little Johnny can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he told his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he would take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolled around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so Little Johnny told his sister that he'd take her to the prom on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. Little Johnny is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he was standing at the punch bowl, his sister came up to him, "Hey, bro, let's dance." He looked around to make sure that nobody heard her, "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Ray is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they danced a slow number.
The rest of the prom passed and it was time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with Little Johnny at the wheel, his sister looked over at him and said, "I don't want to go straight home." He gave her a curious look and said, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agreed, and after they had driven around a while, out in the country, she looked over at him again and said, "Want to find some place to park?"
"Hell," he said, "Are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"
" Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us; how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"
So she finally talked Little Johnny into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looked over at him again. "Hey . . . " she said. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!"
And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what?" said Little Johnny, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I can't do that with you, you're my... " His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said Little Johnny. "Mom told me."
This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing. Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?" The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full" The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke, and some folks can't"
One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.
One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."
So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.
The guy with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"
The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."
The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?"
Skeleton
03 Jul 2004, 23:49
What´s common between bass player´s finger and thuder bolt?
Either finger neither thuder bolt never hit the same place twice. :lol:
Resurrection time! (I can't believe this thread had slipped so far down the list!)
Apologies if I offend anybody but I've had this sent to me by Americans twice now ....
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your
President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of
Monday 22nd November 2004.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
doesn't much fancy.
Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P., for the 97.85% of you
unaware of the outside world, will appoint a Minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any
of you noticed.
To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. All citizens are to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
While there,
check the pronunciation guide for "aluminium" -
this may be surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words
interspersed with "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. Learn to distinguish British and Australian accents. It's not difficult.
4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as
good guys.
5. Re-learn your original anthem, "God Save the Queen". Please ensure that
you have complied with the first law before attempting this.
6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of "football".
What you refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of
you aware of a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays it. Play proper football instead; to start with, get the girls to help
you - it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will eventually be
allowed to
play Rugby, which is similar to American "football", but doesnot involve
stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies.
7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde.
The 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves lucky
- the Russians have never really been bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new
national holiday.
9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; its for your own good.
When we show you German cars you'll understand.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
Far be it from me to protect the Yanks but I have been emailed the reply to the above Revocation.
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the _original_ spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic.
(Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
:lol: :lol: [/b]
DIZZY DRUMMER
24 Nov 2004, 14:47
Here's an update for you.....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....
Just to get a little sausage. :lmao:
Someone on Messenger has been wittering for a joke so here you are:
A duck goes into a pub and says to the barman, "Got any fish?"
The barman looks at the duck and says, "This is a pub that doesn't server food, no we don't have any fish" So the duck walks out.
The same duck comes in the next day and says, "Got any fish?"
The barman looks at the duck and replies, "I told you yesterday we didn't have any fish, we don't have any fish today" So the duck walks out.
The same duck comes in the next day and says, "Got any fish?"
The barman says to the duck, "We don't serve food, we didn't have any fish yesterday, or the day before that. We don't have any fish today and we won't have any fish tomorrow!"
This goes on for a few weeks, eventually the barman gets exhasperated and says, "Look we don't server food, we never have had fish, we won't ever have fish, if you come in here again and ask for fish I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the bar!!!"
The same duck comes in the next day and says, "Got any nails?"
The barman looks perplexed and replies, "No I don't have any nails"
The duck replies, "Got any fish?":lol:
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too little.
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway!!!!
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.
Amen.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said; "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife?s"
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A young girl on a years training course in South Africa, recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship . The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, John
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear John,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Mary
Testify
02 May 2005, 13:30
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. They have a shot of whiskey and
chat about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she
is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The
woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The other one asks. The woman begins to turn blue
and shakes her head.
One of the hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her pants and quickly gives her right butt cheek
a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to
the bar.
His friend says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special - Chicken Surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot
rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?' 'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise' 'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....
'I've brought you the Peking duck'
Jockey is racing in the 3-40pm from Cheltenham. He's doing great, on the home stretch, first place, when all of a sudden a tin of chopped ham and pork comes flying out of the crowd, hits him right on the head. In the confusion he slips back to third place.
He spurs on his mount, and rider and horse struggle back into second place when a bottle of port and a string of sausages fly out of the crowd. The port strikes the horse's flank and the sausages wrap around the jockey's neck. Again he loses ground as he struggles to retain his composure.
He's just about to regain first place when, in the final furlong, a tin of peaches and a turkey crown fly from the crowd, strike him right between the eyes. He can no longer concentrate, loses all concentration and fails to get a placing.
He goes straight to the Steward's enclosure and lodges a complaint that he was seriously hampered.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Blonde joke...sorry!
A blonde walks into a hairdressers wearing a set of headphones. She is greeted by a cheerful young hairdresser who sits her down in the chair and ties the cape around her.
"What kinda style were you thinking?" asks the hairdresser.
"I want it cut a bit shorter please," says the blonde.
"Ok then, well if you'll just take your earphones out..."
"No!" shouts the blonde, "Whatever you do, don't take them off!"
"Okaaaaay," mutters the hairdresser and starts to cut away.
After a few minutes the hairdresser tries to cut the hair around the blonde's ears but she can't cos the headphones are in the way. The hairdresser remembers what the blonde said but she thinks she is just being silly so before the blonde can protest she rips off the headphones and throws them to the floor.
The second she does so the blonde falls down dead.
The hairdresser stares at her in total shock for a few minutes, then puts the earphones to her own ears to hear what the blonde had being listening to:
"And breathe in...and out...and in...and out..."
An englishman, an irishman and a scostman walked intoa pub.
The landlord said "this is some sort of joke right??"
A busty blonde walked into a bar adn asked for a double entendre
So the landlord gave her one.
OK, I can't resist!!!
I'm off for tea at old Trafford tomorrow.
they are providing beverages but you ahve to take your own cup!!!! :shock::shock::shock:
Pathetic joke i know!!
I'll get my coat!:roll:
A woman is pregnant with triplets when she is shot in the stomach three times. She's rushed to hospital but she's fine and the babies are all fine.
A few years later the first triplet goes up to his mum and says "Mum, I've just done a poo and there was a bullet in it"
Mum thinks about it and says, "Don't worry about it, it's perfectly normal"
The next child comes up to her, "Mum, I've just done a poo and there was a bullet in it"
"Don't worry, it's ok,"
Then the third child comes up to his mum, he takes a deep breath and says:
"Mum, mum, I've just done a fart and shot the cat!"
DIZZY DRUMMER
14 Jun 2005, 14:56
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly
at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there
is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years
or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register and placed his
order with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal. The couple
took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The
little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took
a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what
people around the old couple were thinking.
"That poor old couple."
As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and
walked to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another
meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to
sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady
still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat
and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came
over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time,
the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little
old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin,
the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being
politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am,
why aren't you eating.
You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting
for?"
She answered,
[This is great - scroll down!]
"The teeth!"
Skeleton
21 Jun 2005, 21:12
Ad on newspaper:
We going to sell Pittpull. Eats lot, eats everything, likes especially kids.
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif One day a blonde went into a department store. She said to the owner, "Can I buy that T.V.?"
The owner replies, "No, you're a blonde".
Next day the blonde comes into the same shop with black hair and says, "Can I buy that T.V.?"
The shop keeper says "No, you're a blonde."
Next day the blonde comes in with pink hair and says, "Can I buy that T.V.?"
The owner says, "No, you're a blonde."
Then the blonde goes, "How do you know I'm blonde?"
He replies, "Because it's a microwave."
(Real) translation of a sign over a doctor's surgery in Russia:
"Expert in men and other diseases"
Not sure if I've posted this one before or not but:
An old couple were walking down the street reminiscing about how they first started courting 60 years earlier.
The old lady spotted a fence adn said to her husband "remember what we used to do against that fence all those years ago"
Chuckling away her husband led her over to the fence adn said "how about a cuddle against it for old times sake."
They leaned against the fence and the husband started going at it like a horny bunny, when they finally collapsed on the floor the woman said "you didn't do it like that 60 years ago"
The husband replied "the fence wasn't electrified 60 years ago!!":shock::shock:
A sandwhich walks into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here".
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Donald Rumsfeld is breifing Presidnet Bush:
"Well sir, we ahve some bad news, this morning three brazilian soldiers were killed in iraq"
"Good god" shouted Bush "thats terrible. wait a minute....how many is in a brazillion?":D
needmoremeat
30 Sep 2005, 22:10
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
amethyst
08 Oct 2005, 10:44
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barmaid says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
:lol: :lol:
Who's stealing my jokes then???
Within three hours of posting the Brazillion Joke here, it was emailed to FHM/Nuts magazine for the joke of the week competition!!! (it did not win) But the email was a straight copy and paste as it included my spelling mistakes!!
Todays Joke
==========
In a house there lived three balloons: a mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and little toddler balloon.
Now every night, toddler balloon was getting up in the middle of the night and going into mommy adn daddy balloons' bed to sleep and his parents were obviously getting fed up of this.
One night Daddy Balloon has an idea and says to mommy balloon "if we both blow ourselves up a little bit more then we will fill the bed so he can;t climb in with us." So they blow themselves up a bit and go to sleep.
That night Toddler Balloon tries to climb into the bed adn cant fit so he has an idea. he lets a little bit of air out of Daddy balloon, a little bit of air out of Mommy Balloon and a little bit of air out of himself. He climbs in to the bed and goes to sleep.
The following day, Daddy balloon confronts toddler balloon about what he ahs done and is furious so he starts shouting at him
"you've let me down, you've let your mother down, and worst of all, you've let yourself down!":D:lol::lol::lol::lol:
So, i asked the girlfriend what she wanted for christmas.
She said she wanted something in any style or colour as long as it went form 0-200 incredibly fast.
So i've bought her some bathroom scales!:shock:
The Flying Mouse
28 Oct 2005, 00:17
:twisted: An very elderly couple turn up at the doctors.
So how can I help? the docor asks.
Well it's about our sex lives the old geezer coughs up.
"I see", the doctor says, "and what seems to be the problem?"
"Well what we'd really like" the old dear says taking over, "is for you to watch us make love, and tell us if there's anything wrong".
"You want me to watch you making love?Right here?In my surgery?"asks the disguisted doc.
"That's right" says the old boy with a grin.
"Well there are people who are in a far better position to assist" starts the doctor, "perhaps if I can refare you.........:
"Oh please" cries the old lady, "we're really desperate".
"Come on mate" the old bloke says."Look, just give us one week to see if you can work the problem out.I'll even throw a fiver a day in for the inconvieniance".
"Well, I don't know...."says the doc.
"All right, ten pounds every day, that's fifty quid from Monday to Friday".
"Well alright then, says the doctor".
"GREAT" yells the old chap."Come on Gladys, get your girdle off girl".
"Whatever you say Ernie" the old girl says with a grin.
"You mean your going to start now?" the doctor asks.
"No time like the present" Ernie says rubbing his hands together.
For the next half an hour, the doctor is forced to watch this very old couple in a variety of positions while making notes.
"So how'd you think I did?" asks Ernie with a grin at the close of the days proceedings.
"Well I couldn't see any problem" the doctor says, trying to hold his dinner in.
"Just wait and see what happens tomorrow" says Gladys.
For the next week, the doctor is subjected to this (for him) very unpleasant routine.THe couple come in, immediatly undress, and go for it :bunny: .Every day, the doctor fails to see anything particulary wrong.
On the final day, the doctor, as usual, gives them a perfect bill of health.
He then notices that Ernie is having a very hard time trying to keep a straight face.
"Well we're off, thanks for everything" calls Gladys.
His suspicions aroused, he pulls Ernie to one side as Gladys leavs the room.
OK, what's the gag?, the doc asks.
"Well, it's like this" Ernie starts."See it's cold as a fridge at my place, her husband is always at home, and at 10 pound a day, your still cheaper than a hotel :mrgreen:
The Flying Mouse
28 Oct 2005, 00:45
:twisted: Sticking to a theme :mrgreen:
"So, Mr Brown, what can I do for you?" the doctor said to the old gent sitting in his office.
"Well believe it or not" the old boy (who is 90 if he's a day) starts, "i'd like to have more children, and I was wondering if you could tell me how likley that would be".
"The first thing we'd have to determine would be your fertility" says the doctor, desperatly trying not to laugh.
"Here", if you would just take this jam jar home, and fill it up, i'll be able to send it away for a sperm count, and that will tell us the probability of you fathering any more children".
"Oh thank you doctor" Mr Brown exclaimed.
"No problem" the doc said, "just remember to book an apointment for next Tuesday at reception".
The next Tuesday the doctor buzzes his intercom, and asks his receptionist to send in Mr Brown.
"So how are you?" the doctor asks to a very crestfallen Brown.
"Not too good i'm afraid" says brown placing the jam jar, still completly empty, on the doctors desk.
"Mr Brown, I asked you to fill this jar" says the doctor.
"I know" moaned Brown, "but first I tried it, and it wouldn't work, so I called the wife in to give it a go, she tried it one handed, then with both hands, but she just couldn't make it work".
So what happened next?" the doctor asked.
"Well I told the Mrs to go and get Mrs Finchley from next door to see if she could get things going....."
"You asked your neighbour?" said the doctor in a shocked voice.
"yes" said Brown."She tried with the left hand, then the right hand, then she even tried it in her mouth, but she couldn't make it work".
"Mr Brown, I...."
"She even took her false teeth out to get more suction" said the miserable Brown.That's when I thought of the monkey wrench".
M M Mon key wr wr wrench? stammered the doctor going very pale.
"I thought it was worth a go" said Brown, "I mean, let's face it, it wasn't working the way it was, it ws useless, so if it broke, it wasn't like I was losing much.
"So let me get this righ" the doctor said firmly, "you tried yourself first?".
"Yes".
"But it wouldn't work?"
"No".
"So then you got your wife to try, then your neighbour with her mouth, and then you even tried a monkey wrench?"
"That's right" wailed Brown...................................
Wait for it :mrgreen:
"BUT WE STILL COULDN'T GET THAT FECKING JAM JAR LID OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well what do you think he was going to say:roll:
needmoremeat
10 Nov 2005, 20:24
A successful businessman was to give a speech at his old school. He had all the ingredients of a rousing speech about succeeding in life, but lacked a punchline. As he approached the hall, he saw written on the doors "Push" and thought "That's it! Push!" He duly delivered a wonderful lecture and concluded "What you need to succeed in life is written on the doors of this hall." Everyone turned to look and read the word "Pull".
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2! , you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My! dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
As a trucker stops for a red light a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The
trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and, as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Bill, it's winter in MICHIGAN and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark." :D :D :D :D
Love, Lust and Marriage
Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.
Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.
Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.
Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.
Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.
Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.
Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.
Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
> >A husband and wife are travelling by car from London to Southampton. After
> >hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop
> >for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel in Southampton and take a room, but
> >they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
> >
> >When they check out four hours later to get on the Isle of White ferry, the
> >receptionist hands them a bill for £350. The man explodes and demands to
> >know why the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist although it's a
> >nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth £350. When the receptionist
> >tells him £350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the
> >Manager.
> >
> >The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
> >has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference centre that were available
> >for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man
> >complains.
> >"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on
> >to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
> >famous. "The best entertainers from England, Ireland and the U.S.A.
> >perform here," the Manager says.
> >
> >"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
> >
> >"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies
> >
> >No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
> >didn't use it!"
> >
> >The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
> >pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
> >
> >The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says,
> >"This cheque is only made out for £100."
> >"That's right," says the man. "I charged you £250 for sleeping with my
> >wife."
> >"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
> >"Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."
> Secret Code
>
> After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama
> himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
> him know he was still in the game.
>
> Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
> message:
>
> 370HSSV-0773H
>
> Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
> no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the
> FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the
> NASA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6
> for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
>
> "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
:lol:
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class
gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The
flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She
then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that
she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm
blonde,
I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde sitting in First Class
that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The
co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she
only
paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she
will
have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies,
"I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying
right
here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and
that
he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest
this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot
says,
"You
say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I
speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,
I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat
in
the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are
amazed
and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The
Pilot
replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne
An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one last great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled heap. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife........
"F*** off" She said, "They're for the funeral"
Hypnobabe
23 Jan 2006, 12:33
A man was out travelling one day when he was caught in a storm. Knocking on the door of the nearest house, he asked for shelter from the old Italian man and his beautiful young daughter who lived there. The man agreed and showed him to a bedroom, but made the provision that the traveller was not to have any contact with the Italian's daughter, or steps would be taken...
Well, being a man, around midnight the traveller made his way into the daughter's bedroom, and proceeded to make love to her. In the morning he awoke, back in his own room, to see a large rock on the end of the bed. He picked it up, and threw it out of the window, when he suddenly noticed a note on the windowsill, which read "I know what you did - Mafia torture I - Left testicle tied to rock." He thought quickly and jumped out of the window, after the rock.
As he sailed through the window, he noticed another note, and grabbed it, only to read, "Mafia torture II - Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Ageing Bat
28 Feb 2006, 12:07
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked
at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
the Drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be announced today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd got a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
A lion, a bear, and a chicken meet up, and try to outdo each other in a bragging contest.
The bear says "When I roar in the forest, the whole forest freezes in fear."
The lion says "When I roar in the desert, the entire desert trembles with terror."
The chicken says "That's nothing. All I have to do is cough and everyone shits themselves".
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and quivers?
A jelly fish - don't all groan at once:lol:
I went to the library today and found a trouser leg on the shelves.
I said "thats a turn up for the books".
========================
My mother rang earlier and said she was in a hole full of water.
I know she means well!
Ageing Bat
09 Mar 2006, 21:21
This is even funnier if you are old enough to remember seeing "Who's on first" by Abbott and Costello. Enjoy!!!
Costello Wants to buy a Computer from Abbott
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(LATER)................
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
This afternoon I got banned from B & Q.
I walked in and some idiot in an orange apron asked if i wanted decking.
So i got the first punch in! :shock:
http://img211.imageshack.us/img211/1781/photo00049jd.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
A teddy bear went for a job at the local council.
As the foreman did not want to upset him,
he gave him a pick & shovel and told him to
go around town and fill all the pot holes on the roads.
After about three hours the teddy decided to have
a break, and went to have a cup of tea.
When he got back he found that someone had
stolen his pick!
Very upset and dissapointed, he went back to the
foreman to tell him what had happened.
When he told the foreman what had happened,
the foreman said " oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you,
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked!"
Hypnobabe
21 Mar 2006, 00:00
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Hypnobabe
21 Mar 2006, 00:01
Hope Fire Ball appreciates this one...
A Texan is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
Hypnobabe
21 Mar 2006, 00:13
One for the girls...
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office... but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you.... but the girl said "NO".
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 min. the boyfriend calls and asks what happened ...
She said, "The ******* used coins"
Moral of the Story - Management Lesson:
"Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed."
RadioMaster
09 Apr 2006, 11:22
Some weeks ago, a friend told me a very very vicious joke.
What is worse than five babies in a dustbin?
One Baby in five dustbins!:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
You sound like someone I know Radiomaster
http://media.mlxxfc.net/ShowLetter7.jpg
http://img116.imageshack.us/img116/5667/bibledisclaimer6bt7tx.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
DId you hear about the Irish goldfish?
It drowned.
Did you hear about the guy who died when a car ran over his Finger.........he was picking his nose at the time :faint:
Pat and Mick were throwing stones at the ground.
Pat missed.
What's green and hangs in trees?
Monkey snot.
Mickey Mouse was in court to divorce Minnie.
Lawyer - Mr. Mouse, as I understand, you are here to divorce Mrs. Mouse on the grounds of insanity?
Mickey - No, I never said she was insane, I said she was f***ing Goofy.
Hypnobabe
25 Apr 2006, 19:56
Joe took his blind date to the funfair. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim. They ambled over to the 'weight guessed'. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'weight guessed' they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the fair and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
David Bowie told me this one -
Two psychics met each other down the street. The first says to the second -
"Well you're doing ok, how am I?"
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman says "What can I get you, Mr Hasselhoff?"
David replies "I'll just have a pint, and please call me Hoff".
The barman says...
"No hassle"
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of OAPs on a tour, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, ”We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.
Ageing Bat
10 May 2006, 10:26
What has John Prescott and an MFI flatpack got in common ?
ANSWER BELOW
A couple of screws in the wrong place, and the whole f#cking cabinet falls apart !!
A Happy Woman:
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her
bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, what
you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says
that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
Latest Darwin Awards!!
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the Barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space fo his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 ill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled , leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash from the register with a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
(which proves there is justice in this world.)
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewge. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to siphon the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4.. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out].
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer foR missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Scary isn't it.
I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and S&M, but I gave it up.
I was flogging a dead horse!
Real newspaper ads
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better
be a reward for this nasty little thing.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
got married last month. Wife knows everything.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am I am just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, I have seen a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the las t time you had sex?"
"I haven't had any sex since 1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! You are not kidding, no sex since 1955?
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
When my husband unloaded the washing from the machine he found some shiny loose change 75p, now he is worried he might be called a money launderer:oops: :lol:
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Hypnobabe
28 May 2006, 21:04
Andy & Angus were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 pence, Andy came up with brilliant strategy "I'll take the 50 pence and show you how we can drink all day for free!"
Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Angus' fly.
They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers", said Andy to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Andy got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Angus' fly.
"Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs, or more.
"I just can't do this any more", Andy whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much."
"It's all right for you", Angus replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Feck dis. Budgie jumping is too feckin' dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Feck dis, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his feckin' hengliding!" :wtf: :lawl:
45 Fun things to do in Final Exams (when you know you're going to fail anyway)
1. Roll up your coat to form a pillow and pretend to fall asleep until the last 20minutes of the exam. Then wake up, do some gibberish work and hand it in a few minutes early.
2. Make paper airplanes out of the exam paper.
3. When you have finished your paper, start marking it in red ink.
4. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
5. Bring cheerleaders and supporters.
6. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?
7. Bring a CD Player or Game Boy. Play the device with the volume at max level.
8. on the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
9. Bring a pet.
10. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
11. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
12. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
13. Come down with a severe case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
14. Do the entire exam in another language, e.g. Klingon. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
15. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
16. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
17. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
18. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
19. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.
20. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
21. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
22. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Feck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
23. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
24. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
25. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
26. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
27. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
28. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
29. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!"
30. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
31. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
32. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
33. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
34. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
35. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
36. Bring cheat sheets to another class (make sure this is obvious... like business notes for a math exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
37. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
38. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
39. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
40. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
41. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
42. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
43. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
44. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
45. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
And before any wise-arse asks, yes :oops: numbers 2, 3, 4, 10, 15, 16, 18, 22, 24, 27, 30, 31, 32, 41, 44 :twisted:
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the sh*t is running down my back!" :-)
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
The Flying Mouse
13 Jun 2006, 15:36
:twisted: One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being , anything you want after all you're the guv'... "
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific
Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to
the end of his tether..........
.
.
.
......(.keep going - it's worth waiting for........)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
The Flying Mouse
14 Jun 2006, 01:26
:twisted: A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flat mate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she Started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates".
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just be sure" said Paul.
So he sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN,BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:
DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
Lesson of the day:-
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER(SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)
:lmao:
Lord Kagan
14 Jun 2006, 22:35
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Lord Kagan
14 Jun 2006, 22:45
cant beat the sexist jokes
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to die," she replied.
:lol:
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.
When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"
:D
Lord Kagan
15 Jun 2006, 20:39
A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.
He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly an old overweight man walks up to him. "Are you God?" the man asks. "No, I'm Sess."
Ageing Bat
16 Jun 2006, 10:46
A fly was flying past a farm when he sees a bull in the field. Spotting a fresh steaming pile of poo, the fly realises he is hungry and decides to feed.
He eats and eats and eats till he can eat no more.
He flaps his little wings and tries to take off, buzzz, but he's so full he only lifts an inch off the ground, he tries again BUZZZ, but still can't take off.
He thinks for a minute and then sees a rake leaning against the wall and makes his way over to it. He climbs and climbs, looking up he sees he has a long way still to climb.
After an hour of climbing he reaches the very top of the rake handle.
He launches himself in to space WHEEEEeeee, SPLAT!
The fly hits the ground and dies.
The morale of this tale: Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of bullshit
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her
into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls
her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where
he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the
sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the
$99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent
floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current,
she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
Grooooan
> > FEMALE POEM
> >
> > I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong,
> > One who loves to listen all day long,
> > One who thinks before he speaks,
> > One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
> > I want him to be gainfully employed,
> > And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
> > Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
> > Massages my back and begs to do more.
> > Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
> > And knows what to answer to how big is my behind"
> > I want this man to love me with no end,
> > And forever be my very best friend.
> >
> > MALE POEM
> >
> > I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs,
> > Who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
> > I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s..t
> >
Hypnobabe
04 Jul 2006, 17:32
A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good-looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
He says 'Magic Bitter'.
She thinks that he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the bar for a bit.
After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, 'That isn't really 'Magic Bitter', is it?'
He says, 'Yes I'll show you.'
So he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out of the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him. 'I bet you can't do that again.'
So he takes another gulp of the bitter, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She is amazed. She says that she wants a 'Magic Bitter'.
So the bloke says to the bartender, 'Give her a pint of what I am drinking'.
She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out of the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, 'Superman, you're a real w@nker when you're p*$$ed’.
RadioMaster
04 Jul 2006, 17:37
A friend told it to me in school today, it is sooooooo stupid but somehow we all laughed, maybe it was a matter of the situation, but, what the hell:
A bitten apple with a half worm inside!!! :nuts:
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.
Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet,started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell!
:D :D :D
Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for a £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.”Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set? Is it: a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"
Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.
“Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers." Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a
friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win a £1million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's." "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
"Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris."
"That's the correct answer. You've won a £1million!"
Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"
"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham
"... but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
Hypnobabe
15 Jul 2006, 20:34
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
£15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The
woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling
really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down
the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm
50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an
old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs
them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her
breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and
amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The
old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in McDonald's."
woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,the more excited she gets,and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --
A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says....
"Blow Job Revenge"
Mick Loaf
18 Jul 2006, 00:27
http://media.mlxxfc.net/x.jpg
Not sure if this counts but it made me laugh.:lol:
Rockette
18 Jul 2006, 11:06
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
A dyslexic walks into a bank and pulls a gun on the customers.
"Air in the hands, motherstickers, this is a fcuk up"
Rockette
18 Jul 2006, 12:19
:lol: :lol: :lol:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
A dyslexic walks into a bank and pulls a gun on the customers.
"Air in the hands, motherstickers, this is a fcuk up"
ROFL am in tucks
soonerdawg
24 Jul 2006, 00:16
a young lady walks up to an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch. she is impressed by how healthy he looks given his old age, so she asks," sir, if you don't mind my asking, what has been your secret to such a long life?"
"well," the man answers, "i drink a case of beer a day, smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, i eat oily, fatty foods, and i never exercise."
"wow," the young woman says, clearly impressed. "and if you don't mind my asking, just how old are you?"
"twenty-six."
I think the life cycle is all backwards
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger
quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to
your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way
ugly : She makes more money than you do.
Games for when we're old:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
5. Musical recliners.
6. Simon says something incoherent.
7. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now we just go
"chunky dunking."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't fallen a sleep yet.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
But Most Of All, Remember!
And don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's
already tomorrow in Australia.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
===========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
===========================
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
===========================
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
===========================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
===========================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
===========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
===========================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???...)
===========================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
===========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
===========================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
===========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================
Now that you've smiled at least once (maybe even chuckle)...
===========================
****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they
who let in the light*****
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4 Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
8. Speak and Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
I went to the ATM the other day, and an old lady was in front of me in queue. She seemed to be having some trouble using hte machine, so I asked if I could help. She asked if I could check her balance for her.
So I pushed her over and said "yep, it's pretty bad".
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
No offence to anyone from essex im an essex girl my self!!!!
Q: What is the difference between a walrus and an Essex girl ?
A: One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus !
Q: What do Essex girls use for protection during sex ?
A: Bus shelters.
Q: Why does an Essex girl wear knickers ?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
Q: How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours ?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board ?
A: Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
:lmao: :lmao:
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Oh and... only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.
Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Australia... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
Finally.....in 2000, eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing
up in the toilet.
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
Hypnobabe
31 Jul 2006, 17:57
MOM - Job Description
POSITION:Mother, Mom, Mama
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Hypnobabe
31 Jul 2006, 18:02
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"
How do you cross a road in wales?
Caerphilly!
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
:yay: :yay: :yay:
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?'... and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
:-)
A man takes his dog to the doctors. The doctor asks "What wrong with your dog?" The man replies, "I think he's dead." The doctor leave the room and returns with a cat. The doctor places the cat on the table with the dog. The cat walks pass the dog, sniffs the dog and then hits the dog. The dog does nothing. The doctor picks up the cat and tells the man that his dog is gone and hands him a bill for $600. The man asks why so much money and the doctor says " $100 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."
RadioMaster
26 Aug 2006, 20:55
Paris, 1889: The riots just began, everybody´s running through the streets and beats everybody else up.
One man, runs around and screams: "Menstruation! Menstruation!".
Nobody notices him, so he continues running through the crowd and screams "Mentstruation! Menstruation!"
A woman notices, turns to him and asks: "Excuse me? Did you scream ´Menstruation´?" "Yes. Menstruation! Menstruation!"
"Didnt you mean...Revolution?"
"Oh, yes, sorry, but what the hell! Main thing´s that the blood floats!" :shock: :lmao:
Lord Kagan
26 Aug 2006, 21:10
What do you call a blonde with brain cells?
Pregnant
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye." :lol:
A software engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose the Internet, which gave humanity the ability to share information and communicate across the globe at such high speeds.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the ability to move from one place to another.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos flask.
" Why a thermos flask?" the others asked." Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
" Yes -- so what?"
" Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"
A ventriloquist visiting Aberdeenshire walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f***ing liar!"
Lord Kagan
27 Aug 2006, 19:20
How do you tell if a blonde is wearing knickers?
Her ankles are warm!
Hypnobabe
28 Aug 2006, 18:15
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he leaves.
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.
Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet,started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell! :D
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface, was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on
gotham_child
06 Sep 2006, 21:19
i wonder- sex????
1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc. 3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4. There is also Social Security Sex ... that's when you get some once a month but it's not enough to live on ... 5. The fifth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some. 6. There is also a sixth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom:twisted:
The Flying Mouse
07 Sep 2006, 13:47
:twisted: A woman, getting out of the shower, catches sight of herself in the mirror.
For a few minutes, she stands there looking at her own body in the reflection.
After a few minutes thought, she calls through to her hubby, "darling, do you think my breasts would be better if they were a little bigger?"
"Why?What's wrong?" he calls back.
"Nothing, nothing, I was just thinking that's all.I wonder if there's a way to make them bigger without the cost and pain of plastic surgery".
"Look", says her better half, "if you want bigger breasts, but don't want surgery, take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts twice a day"
"will that work?"
"Don't see why not" he replies.
So, although a little confused, she starts doing it.
Twice a day, she rubs between her breasts with toilet paper.
six months go by, and she is no better endowed.
"I thought you said this would work" she fumed at her hubby :angry:
"Well, I thought it WOULD" he responded.
"Why on earth, would you think rubbing toilet paper between my breasts would make them bigger?"
"Well", he says...........
It worked on your ass :mrgreen:
Peter Brock and Stevie Irwin meet at the Pearly Gates and Steve says "Crikey mate you here too?".
Peter replies "Yeah we both died in a similar situation."
"What, sting ray?" asked Steve.
"No, fish tail" replies Peter.
What did Steve Irwin say to God when Brocky arrived in heaven?
I asked for a croc not a Brock!!!!
Steve Irwin is up in heaven enjoying his life after death, up walks Peter Brock a bit unhappy that he has come before his time. Steve looks up and says cheerfully, "Crickey Pete, where did you get that awesome Halo?" To which Pete replies, "It isn't a halo, Steve, It's my bloody steering wheel."
What band will play at Steve Irwins funeral?
Sting.
Steve Irwin forgot to put sunscreen on that day he went to work cause he wasn't protected from the rays....
Also heard he put his sunnies on that day but not his Raybans....
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow.
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
A woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Hypnobabe
12 Sep 2006, 13:14
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration.
If you don't get them at first - re-read the address content. Each one can be clicked on and are proper addresses:
1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it... is
www.whorepresents.com (http://www.whorepresents.com)
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice
and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company...
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky
website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"
Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.
They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.
The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.
The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.
suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.
"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.
RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again!
"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.
RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.
Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.
"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.
The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter..... just get out!"
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
:lol:
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said: "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said: "I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president." So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a super-power nation and I am the cleverest president in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl: "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic! I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The girl said: "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest president has taken my school bag.":D
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the man. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
The Flying Mouse
05 Oct 2006, 22:53
:twisted: I've just burst out laughing at that last one :lmao: .
Thanks mjbo :mrgreen:
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea," and went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't any money!!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't be worryin' now, I have a plan.
Cheers!"
They downed their drinks and Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through me zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
When the barman saw this, he went berserk and threw them out. They
continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub!"
(Thanks, Mike, this made me laugh and laugh...)
batcity
07 Oct 2006, 21:28
A dad has concerns about his daughter whose 16 years old and he angrily says to her "your boyfriend a lazy guy, he does nothing but play video games all day, he don't do a thing, hasn't even got a job!!"
The daughter replies "he's not like that"
The father replies "tell em one thing he's done in the last three months to make you so happy"
the daughter says " well already he's cured me of my monthly illness"
needmoremeat
07 Oct 2006, 21:44
A dad has concerns about his daughter whose 16 years old and he angrily says to her "your boyfriend a lazy guy, he does nothing but play video games all day, he don't do a thing, hasn't even got a job!!"
The daughter replies "he's not like that"
The father replies "tell em one thing he's done in the last three months to make you so happy"
the daughter says " well already he's cured me of my monthly illness"
wish I could be cured of that......
permanently:roll:
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories !
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose throws away her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing
Hypnobabe
09 Oct 2006, 14:44
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
“Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.”
“Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong,
and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five
quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card
points."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for
good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
wenners
09 Oct 2006, 20:51
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite
being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with
yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off
to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have
to.......
I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind
blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser , she stole ma wallet !".
1) What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."
********************************
2) Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
********************************
3) A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
she answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid
£400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want
to see how you live on £800 a year".
*********************************
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2
litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g
pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
(Thanks, Mike)
Hypnobabe
14 Oct 2006, 17:55
ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Hypnobabe
14 Oct 2006, 17:57
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?
"Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there", says St.Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that"
An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard.
The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
:D :D :D
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye." ;) ;)
Another one thanks to Mike...
Octopus walks into a bar, says… I bet I can play any musical instrument. Bloke gives him a guitar which he plays better than Jimmy Hendrix.
2nd bloke says…. Bet you can’t play the piano. The octopus plays better than Elton John.
Jock gives him bagpipes, the octopus fumbles for a minute and looks confused. Jock says… Ha, can ye nae play it?
Octopus…. Play it? I’m going to shag it as soon as I get its f*cking pyjamas off!
Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again" :roll:
The Flying Mouse
22 Oct 2006, 23:46
:twisted: A young couple finally reach the honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
"I'm looking forward to this" says the groom, a masive beam on his face :mrgreen:
"Well, before we do", says his bride, "there is something we need to discuss".
"Everytime you make love to me, I expect you to give me £50"
"FIFTY QUID" :yikes: he yells in horror.
"Yes, i'm afraid my mind is made up, and that's the way it's going to be"
Unable to control himself any longer, he gives in and promises to pay her the requested £50 fee every time they make love.
50 years later, they are celebrating their anniversary with a big party.
Without a shread of bashfulness, the woman makes her speech to all present, including telling them all of their little "agreement" (much to the old boys embarasment :oops: )
At the end of the speech, she turns to him, and says "but I haven't wasted that money.In fact until last week I never spent one single penny of it.Which is why I was able to go to the travel agents last week, and book a two week holiday in America, front row tickets to the Meat Loaf concert (plug for the boss there :up: :lmao: ) and £5000 spending money".
The old boy looks amazed :shock:
"well you got nothing to say?" she asks.
To which he replied "If I knew you were gonna do that...................
I would have given you ALL my buisness" :doh:
:lol:
Monstro
23 Oct 2006, 03:33
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
Feckin funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monstro
23 Oct 2006, 03:42
The management bible:
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%..
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing! will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While, Hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bull**** and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
I'm a manager, this one's going on my office wall tomorrow!!!!!!
Hypnobabe
27 Oct 2006, 13:27
...and kept the same tag lines.....
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole
The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart
...and kept the same tag lines.....
:lmao:
Monstro
30 Oct 2006, 00:42
Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you c*nts who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in A hurry! And all of you c*nts who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks with no delays".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to takeall of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing Journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.
The Flying Mouse
06 Nov 2006, 13:52
:twisted: A fleeing Al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only £5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an
overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. "Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
:lmao:
The Flying Mouse
06 Nov 2006, 13:54
:twisted: A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works.
" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."
Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.
" Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500. "
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question . .
" What's the distance from the earth to the moon ? "
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, " What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four? "
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail.
After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out.
He's more than a little frustrated!
He wakes the blonde again and asks, " Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? "
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
The Flying Mouse
06 Nov 2006, 17:48
:twisted: George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?" :shock:
The Flying Mouse
07 Nov 2006, 16:04
:twisted: Guy called Dave says to his boss..
"I know everybody in the world.."
His boss says..
"Yeah right..no way"
Dave says..
"I do, just choose someone, anyone at all and I bet I know them"
"OK then, Tom Cruise, bet ya dont know him"
Dave says. "Oh yes I do"
So they get on a plane, fly to Hollywood and make their way to Tom Cruise' house and Dave bangs on the door.
Tom Cruise opens the door and says..
"Oh wow, Dave, how you doing man, come on in for a beer, lets chat and catch up on old news"
After they come out the boss says..
"Well that was pretty cool, but maybe a bit lucky"
So Dave says..
"OK then, pick another, anyone ya want in the whole wide world, go on"
So his boss says..
"Right, I'll get ya this time..George Bush"
Off they go, board a plane for Washington DC and as they get there everyone is waiting for George Bush to come out and address the nation. Dave positions himself by the edge of the stage with his boss.
As George Bush emerges to address the nation, Dave is furiously waving.
George Bush sees him and smiles, he walks over and says ..
"Hi Dave, I just gotta do this speech and we can go get a coffee afterwards and have a little chat OK"
So they do that and when they come out the Whitehouse, the boss says..
"Wow that is really quite impressive, I am impressed, but if I can choose just one more, then it will be proved beyond doubt Dave and you will be my hero"
So Dave says..
"Yeah no worries, make another choice, I'll prove it beyond all doubt for you"
"OK then, errmmmm.. how about the Pope"
Dave says..
"The Pope, half my family are German, thats an old friend of the family ya picked there, lets go.."
Off they go to Vatican City where there are 250,000 people waiting for the Pope to come out and say prayers.
Dave tells his boss..
"Its too crowded here, I need to get close to The Pope to prove my self. I'll go over there and have a word with the guards.......because I know all of them too....and they will let me inside, and then in about 15 mins I will come out on the balcony right next to The Pope and wave to you OK boss"
Off Dave goes and sure enough 15 mins later he's on the balcony, arm round The Pope waving to his boss.
Dave decides to make his way back to his boss, and when he gets there his boss is surrounded by paramedics.
Dave scrambles through and says to him..
"Jesus boss, whats wrong are you OK"
And his boss looks up at him and says..
"I had a heart attack....I was fine, until you and The Pope walked out and the guy next to me said 'Who the feck is that on the balcony with Dave'" :shock:
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
"I would have gotten out today."
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?The outside :doh:
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
-HR
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along, for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long, the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard.
"That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off, half an hour ago, to bring me another leopard."
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs.
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically,a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men arerendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of theirlife's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Send this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
__________________
This is a blatant copy and paste...
The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
Last one for now:
MARRIAGE
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or you can get married and wish you were dead.
-----------------------------------------------
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?"
The other woman replied, "Yes I am; I married the
wrong man."
-------------------------------------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
The next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.
--------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in the USA.
The rest cheat in Canada.
----------------------------------------------------
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
-----------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
-----------------------------------------------------
Young son: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, Son."
----------------------------------------------------
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what
real happiness was 'til I got married; and by then it
was too late."
------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
------------------------------------------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights,
and so does she.
------------------------------------------------------
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
------------------------------------------------------
First Guy: "My wife's an angel."
Second Guy: "You're lucky; mine's still alive."
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are attractive to the opposite sex
The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open
his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
LAWYERS
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
gotham_child
12 Nov 2006, 22:50
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying:
"All of you b%&*"$@s who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! And all of you b@~$£%&s,who are getting on, get your ass in the train, because were going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son:
"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B!TCH in the kitchen."
I. SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
" Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know -
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
II. LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I
don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
III. QUIET SEX:
Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and
asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come
you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
IV. CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was
mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that
modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that
his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The
man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor
urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision .
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen" .
V. WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
VI. NO SEX:
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
VII. OLD SEX:
One night an 87 yr . old woman came home from Bingo to
find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder , the judge
asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if
he could have sex..... he could fly.
Thanks, Mike...you always keep me laughing...
The Flying Mouse
18 Nov 2006, 14:57
:twisted: The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the
trainer.
Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"
Hypnobabe
20 Nov 2006, 12:27
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascal behaviour that was going on.
So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion. So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time,too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said???
Okay, just wondering ... I didn't get one either ...
Hypnobabe
20 Nov 2006, 12:28
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted
ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine
with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman
asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman
asked.
"Are you NUTS!?"replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded.
"Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and
wine."
It was the ahppiest day of Paul's life.
He walked through the church and approached the alter.
Heather was waiting for him with a smile on her face.
He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.
And then shut the coffin lid :shock::shock:
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, "replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."
How To Wash The Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
:-)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous at the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humour)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.
The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"
The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”
He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with.”
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
Rockette
07 Dec 2006, 23:52
Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.
The Flying Mouse
08 Dec 2006, 19:03
:twisted: School daze :mrgreen:
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his private part and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the ground and coming to rest in some nearby plant.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest
and**bent over to pick it up.
All at once, eleven bells began to ring.
needmoremeat
11 Dec 2006, 11:10
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his private part and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the ground and coming to rest in some nearby plant.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest
and**bent over to pick it up.
All at once, eleven bells began to ring.
I'm pretty sure my brother didn't have to do that!:lmao:
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Hypnobabe
20 Dec 2006, 21:46
Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain." And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Mick remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
"All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"
needmoremeat
21 Dec 2006, 19:57
Just thought of this one:
Q. What computer does Derek Trotter (Only Fools and Horses) use?
A. a Dell
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!" :-)
Blackkat13
02 Jan 2007, 03:28
What green and flys?
Super Pickle
A Toronto lawyer went duck hunting in rural PEI. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in this country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes Down East. We settle small disagreements like this with the Down East Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Down East Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
geordieloaf
16 Jan 2007, 22:27
Sorry it's a real old one.
What does a man with a 12 inch penis have for breakfast?
Today i had a slice of toast.
A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep ... every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim'round for a while. Then I whistle, and they jump right back into this ice chest, and I take'um home."
"That's a bunch of hogwash ... fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth .. I'll show you! It really works!"
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited and after several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Thin Man: "I see you lost some weight"
Fat Man: "Thanks"
Thin Man (looking at Fat Man): "Well I think I found it"
(Fat man Proceeds to beat the Thin Man up)
snow white got sacked from disneyland paris yesterday for sitting on pinochio's face and singing "tell me lies tell me sweet little lies"
Monstro
17 Jan 2007, 02:14
snow white got sacked from disneyland paris yesterday for sitting on pinochio's face and singing "tell me lies tell me sweet little lies"
Thought Warioloaf's was bad enough but I really don't get this one........have I had too much to drink??????
Monstro
17 Jan 2007, 02:14
Shit, just got it..............................
And it's quite funny really
Monstro
17 Jan 2007, 02:15
Thought Warioloaf's was bad enough but I really don't get this one........have I had too much to drink??????
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what happen's when piochio tell's lies ? please the rest is biology
dohh !!!
Monstro
17 Jan 2007, 02:16
Though Warioloaf's is really still rubbish lolo
Monstro
17 Jan 2007, 02:17
what happen's when piochio tell's lies ? please the rest is biology
dohh !!!
Too slow!!!!! LOL
way too much to drink ,can you send some over please !!!
Monstro
17 Jan 2007, 02:19
Sends a large JD Rick's way, pleasure to drink with you m8!!!!
extra large baileys back atcha (with ice of course)
Monstro
17 Jan 2007, 02:31
Is there any other way to serve it?????
Monstro
17 Jan 2007, 02:33
Yes but I like whisky and the ice doesn't fit down the tube!!!!!!
The Flying Mouse
17 Jan 2007, 18:24
:twisted: OK boys, take it over Here (http://www.mlukfc.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3416) please :wtf:
The Flying Mouse
17 Jan 2007, 19:33
:twisted:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm :eyebrows: .
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." :wink:
The husband, rejected, turns over :sad: .
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" :roll:
vBulletin® v3.8.10, Copyright ©2000-2025, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.