View Full Version : Jokes
Testify
22 Jun 2003, 21:34
Does anybody on here have any decent jokes??
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the woman and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a
better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own fvckin blanket."
Fabulous R. Love that womens attitude
me picture disappeared again
Testify
22 Jun 2003, 21:42
:lol:
thats cool!!
Whats brown and sticky???
A stick.....
Whats brown and sticky???edit that quick
A stick.....
Hehehe ... good one. :lmao:
original sin
22 Jun 2003, 21:53
Heat not the elephant one please :wink:
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards
http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/cx/uc/20030610/ga/ga030610.jpg
What do the donkeys in Blackpool have for lunch?
Half an hour!!!
MBrevard
24 Jun 2003, 09:20
Well, I don't know if I'd call this one "decent"...
In a small town in medieval Europe a poor peasant earned his living by carting loads of goods for people. But after many years, his old horse died, and the peasant was in despair. He went to his priest, who said, "Never mind, all will be well. Just come with me."
"Oh, can it be so easy?" asked the peasant.
"Yes," said the priest, "just come up the hill with me."
So they walked up the hill to the baron's estate and right into his magnificent stables. There was a splendid array of horses. The priest said, "Take your pick."
"What?" said the peasant, "That would be stealing from the baron!"
"Never mind, everything will be all right. Take your pick."
So the peasant chose a splendid draft horse and lead it down the hill. The priest, meanwhile, went into the horse's stall and fell fast asleep.
An hour or so later, the baron came to the estate and decided to look over his horses. He was amazed to see the priest sleeping on the straw in one of the stalls.
"Father! Father!" he said, waking the priest up. "What are you doing sleeping in my horse's stall?"
The priest looked bewildered, and then sat up, exclaiming, "A miracle! I must have been forgiven!"
"What do you mean?" said the baron.
"I will explain," said the priest. "When I was a young priest, I used to hear the confessions of a very attractive young woman, and, well, one thing led to another and, we, uh, well, you know what happened."
"Yes, yes," said the baron, "but why are you sleeping in my horse's stall?"
"Because God punished me," said the priest, "and reincarnated me as a horse, a beast of burden. But now, here I am a man again! Oh, what a miracle! God is good!"
The baron was amazed and bid farewell to the priest, who walked down the hill with a glad expression on his face.
Meanwhile, the poor peasant was happy, doing well with his splendid new beast. One morning, a week later, the baron came down into town and saw the peaasant carting a load. The horse somehow looked familiar. The baron stopped the peasant, who was now trembling. He saw his own brand on the horse. He examined the horse's teeth. Yes, there was no doubt. It was his horse.
The baron backed off a bit, looked severely at the animal, and said, "Well, Father, I see you've been at it again."
Well, I told you I didn't know if it was decent!!! :roll:
Have a great day, friends!
Love,
MB
xxx
Testify
24 Jun 2003, 09:32
:lol: hehe :lmao:
MBrevard
24 Jun 2003, 10:13
Sorry, Testify! Here's another bad one for you. :oops:
Mrs. Grace, Mrs. Rock, and Mrs. Powell were invited to visit the beautiful new Hollywood home of Mrs. Kelly. Mrs. Kelly took special pains to tell her friends to look around carefully when they went to the bathroom upstairs.
Mrs. Grace finally excused herself and visited the bathroom. She came down a bit tardily and in a state of excitement, saying, "My dears, when I sat down it played Beethoven!"
Mrs. Rock then felt the need and hurried to the second floor. She returned all glowing, saying, "I sat down and it played The Unfinished Symphony."
Mrs. Powell was last. She didn't come down, however. After fifteen minutes had passed, Mrs. Kelly grew worried and went upstairs. There was Mrs Powell on the floor wiping it up.
"What happened?" gasped Mrs. Kelly.
"Just my luck," said Mrs. Powell. "When I sat down, it played the Star-Spangled Banner."
:?
Love,
MB
xxx
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage
Loaded in the limo (and his Holiness doesn't travel light),
the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth, " says the Pope, "They
never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really
like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my
job! and what if something should happen?" protests
the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says
the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly
regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme
Pontiff
floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!!" pleads the
worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal
to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm
gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window
as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one
look at him, and goes back to his motorcycle and get
on the radio. "I need to talk with the Chief," he
says to the dispatcher.
The chief gets on the radio and the cop tells
him that he's stopped a limo going 105.
"So bust him," said the chief.
" I don't think we want to do that; he's
really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor?"
"BIGGER!"
"Well," said the chief, "who is it?"
"I think it's God!!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"He's got the Pope driving for him!!"
This guy is driving along (in his Smart) when he sees a sign saying "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution 50yards" so he thinks Nuns, thats different, I'll have to go and see what it's like. So he pulls up outside a large building and rings the bell. The door is opened by a Mother Superior who says "Welcome to the Sisters Of Mercy House of Prostitutes" and leads him down a long corridor. At the end she hands him over to another nun who leads him to a door. She tells him that the charge is £50 which he hands over and is then told to walk through the door.
He opens the door and steps through and finds himself back in the car park in front of a small sign which reads....
"Go in peace for you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy!"
This guy walks into a pub with is mates and is really depressed. "My girlfriends having an affair and I don't know what to do. I just feel like killing them or something!"
"'ere" says his mate "I know a fella who does that sort of thing, calls himself Artie. I'll get him to contact you."
So Artie gets in touch with the guy and agrees to kill the girl and her boss at the supermarket who she is screwing. But he needs paying 5 grand for each one. Well, the fella goes through his pockets and has only got a quid so Artie says he will take that as a deposit.
The following day he sneaks up on them at the supermarket and strangles them to death but before he can escape he is arrested by the police.
The headlines in the following days papers read:
"Artie Chokes 2 for a pound at Sainsbury's"
Testify
24 Jun 2003, 14:38
:lmao: heehee
well thats brightened my day!
tukayaway
24 Jun 2003, 21:12
This is a long 'un and only those in the UK will get it:
Every day on the confectionery counter, the little m&m's used to get bullied and beaten up by the Malteasers. A wise old Kinder Egg said to them that the Galaxy Minstrels offered a protection agency.
The poor little m&m's spoke to the Minstrels and asked for help. The Minstrels agreed and sat next to the m&m's. The Malteasers never tried to harm them again.
The m&m's started to get a little cocky about having their own protection and the other sweets began to get jealous. The others had a meeting to decide what to do and voted that the Lockets were strong enough to teach them a lesson.
Sure enough, the day came where the Lockets beat the m&m's to within an inch of their lives. The confused m&m's asked the Minstrels why they didn't step in and help. The Minstrels said "We may be crazy, but they're Methol!"
:lol:
I once had a teacher wet herself after that. I don't know what was funnier!?
Wild_Honey
24 Jun 2003, 21:15
What Is Politics?
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure, son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."
Father: "Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s**t."
Two men, one rich and one poor, were discussing what they had bought their wives for Christmas.
The rich man says "I've bought my wife a Porsche and a ring".
"Why is that?", says the poor man.
"Well", says the rich man, "if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive into town in the Porsche and exchange it for another".
"Mmm, I see", says the poor man.
"Now", says the rich man, "what did you buy your wife for Christmas?".
"I bought her a pair of slippers, and a dildo", the poor man replies.
"And why is that?", says the rich man.
"Well", says the poor man, "if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*** herself!".
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far :lmao:
A blonde bird pushes her Punto into a gas station. She tells the mechanic "It died". After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idlingly smoothly. She says "What's the story?" He replies "Just crap in the carburettor" She says "How often do I have to do that?" :lol:
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in thier bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old "I think it's about time we started swearing". The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me ok?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiam. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh s..t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and ask with a stern voice "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your F.....g life it won't be Coco Pops". :lol:
and finally....
You gotta love a good beer slogan......
The latest Becks Beer advert in Scotland (displayed in pubs etc) is as follows:-
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE POSH TO SWALLOW BECKS :lol:
cerysmeatloaf
25 Jun 2003, 12:02
nice one dottie heres one
A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught
the natives, was how to speak English,
so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree. "
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock
and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock. "
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results
when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
MBrevard
25 Jun 2003, 12:50
Here's a golf joke in honor of Meat!!
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning, and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
:lmao:
Love,
MB
xxx
Testify
25 Jun 2003, 15:14
:lmao: :lmao:
v v good!!
3 women died and were taken to Heaven where St Michael was sat at the gates knitting M&S sweaters (it was St Peters day Off!) He said to the ladies, OK you can come in but you mustn't step on any ducks.
So they walked into Heaven adn the place was full of ducks. One woman was so surprised at this that she stepped backwards and stood on a duck. Without saying a word St Michael came up to her nad chained a really ugly man to her adn then walked up.
Well, the second woman was laughing so mucha t this that she too managed to step on a duck. St Michael walked up and without saying a word, chained a really ugly man to her before walking off.
All of a sudden St. Michael walked up to the 3rd woman and chained a drop-dead gorgeous chap to her. She looked at this perfect man adn said "What did I do to be rewarded with being chained to you?"
"I don't know "said the chap "But I stepped on a duck"
cerysmeatloaf
25 Jun 2003, 18:10
here's a joke for ya
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a
bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins
to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's
$1,000.Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: How much?"
WOMAN: $60,000.
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking only $450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $420,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment.
go on..................scroll down
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Testify
25 Jun 2003, 21:22
lol hehe, where do u lot hear all these jokes??
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the fool you sent me instead.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store. Amen.
:)) :))
If she's deaf-mute, How does she tell me when tea is ready!!!!
JOKE:
An old couple were sat in their rocking chairs one day quietly rocking away. Suddenly the old woman got up and punched the man that hard he fell backwards off his chair.
"What the ~~~~ was that for?" He asked in astonishment
"That was for 45 years of bad sex!" came the reply
The man sat back down and thought for a few minutes before getting back up and walking over to his wife and slapping her that hard she rolled off the chair! Walkign back to his seat he said:
"That was for knowing the difference!!"
After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned Bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, I don't know his name ... but his face sure rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother Of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.". The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he moaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
The monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?", the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught Bishop, but ... he's a dead ringer for his brother."
The Flying Mouse
26 Jun 2003, 02:08
:twisted: A vicar and a rather umpleasant loudmouthed man were playing golf.
The vicar tee'd off first and got a perfect hole in one.The other guy tee'd off and his ball landed in a bunker.
"S...,F... I missed the B......" said the man.
My son"said the priest,"if you use language like that,then god will surely strike you down".
On the next hole,the vicar once again got a hole in one.
The other guy took his turn and landed in the rough.
"S...,F... I missed the B..... " he said.
"My son,I have already warned you that if use such profanaties,god will surely strike you down"the pained preacher informed him.
This happened on ever hole on the course.The vicar had a perfect score,while the man continually cursed his bad luck.
On the 18th hole the man cursed again.
Suddenly,out of the cloudless sky,a lightening bolt flew down and struck the vicar killing him stone cold dead.
A voice came from the heavens...
"S...,F....,I missed the B......"
MBrevard
26 Jun 2003, 08:16
The Greek scholar took his torn pants to the Greek tailor.
Studying the tear, the tailor asked, "Euripedes?"
The scholar nodded, "Eumenides?"
8O
Love,
MB
xxx
cerysmeatloaf
26 Jun 2003, 09:56
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came
to her father and
asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and
exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree.
Let me show you
what I mean."
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed
a number at
random.
To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is
Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named
Melvin. Why don't
you learn to look up numbers before you dial".
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was
not a bit happy
with our call. He was probably very busy with
something and we annoyed
him. Now watch...."
The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin
there?" asked
the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just
called this number
and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've
got lot of guts
calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see,
that was anger.
Now I'll show you what exasperation means."
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice
roared, "Hello!"
The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have
there been any
calls for me?"
MBrevard
26 Jun 2003, 12:06
A Fractured Fairy Tale
After she was finished with Cinderella, the fairy godmother paid a visit on another poor young girl, Minuetta. Extremely flat-chested, the woman is convinced that her life would improve if only she had large breasts.
"All right," the fairy godmother said, "How about we fix it so that every time a man says 'pardon' to you, they grow a bit."
Delighted with the arrangement, Minuetta goes to market next day. Bumping into a woodcutter, she's delighted when he tips his hat, says, "I beg your pardon," and her breasts grow nearly an inch.
Later, when a coachman accidentally splashes mud on her, he stops and says, "Pardon me." Her breasts grow again.
Smiling radiantly when she reaches the market, she goes to the vegetable stand and asks the Arab merchant for some bread. While he's handing it to her, he knocks a tub of jam on her dress.
"Oh, dear," he bows and scrapes, "a thousand pardons!"
:bunny:
Love,
MB
xxx
'er, maybe that should be
XXX
:wink:
cerysmeatloaf
26 Jun 2003, 12:12
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.
One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "Oh, it's in here with me."
MBrevard
26 Jun 2003, 13:20
It was a violent storm, but Rene Descartes and his colleague Raoul had agreed to attend a philosopher's convention in Paris. En route, their carriage became hopelessly mired in the mud. Refusing to accept defeat, Descartes leapt from the carriage, pushed the driver aside, and began pulling on the horse. The animal bolted and knocked the philosopher back into the mud.
Raoul climbed out and they helped the dazed Frenchman to his feet. "In the future, " the driver said to Raoul, "you would be wise not to put Descartes before the horse."
:roll:
Don't like that one--you won't like the next one any better!!!! :twisted:
The ten unusually small pigs walked into the bar and ordered beer after beer. As the night progressed, all but one of them made at least a dozen trips to the bathroom.
After the bartender brought him his twentieth brew, he asked the one pig, "Say, how come you've been drinking all night, yet you haven't gone to the john once?"
The pig looked up. "Because I'm the one that goes wee-wee-wee-wee-wee- all the way home."
8O
Love,
MB
xxx
Testify
26 Jun 2003, 13:24
:lmao:
cerysmeatloaf
26 Jun 2003, 20:07
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
original sin
26 Jun 2003, 23:45
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"
MBrevard
27 Jun 2003, 10:27
I apologize ahead of time for this one!!
When the waters finally subsided, and Noah led all the animals onto dry land, he was distraught by a pair of snakes who refused to leave.
Arms on hips, he glared down at them. "So, why don't you leave?"
"Because we can't go do what the Lord has asked," replied one of the snakes.
"You mean you can't go forth and multiply? Why not??"
The snake said sadly, "Because we're adders."
Okay! Okay! I TOLD you it was a bad one!! :twisted:
How about another one?
Two nuns were driving down a desolate highway when they ran out of remembered that they had passed a gas station just a few miles back so they started the tiresome walk back.
Once back at the gas station, the nuns explained their problem and asked for some gas and a can to put it in. The attendant explained that they no longer loaned out gas cans as travelers so often failed to return them. The nuns asked him if he had any suggestions and the gas jockey pointed to a trash heap out behind the garage, suggesting that the nuns might find something there in which to carry the fuel back to their car.
After rummaging through the trash for quite some time, the only thing the nuns could find in which to put some gas was an old baby's training potty. Filling the potty with gas, they made the long walk back to their car.
About this time, a drunk happened along and saw this sight on the side of the road. He slammed on the brakes, slid to a stop, jumped out and staggered over to the nuns. Not saying a word, he watched as they poured from the potty into the tank.
Just as the nuns were about to start the car, the drunk straightened up and exclaimed..."Lordie me, Sisters - you sure got more faith than I got!"
:roll:
They say 'Third time's a charm'...shall we give it a try...?
A Christian in ancient Rome was being pursued by a lion. He ran through the city streets and into the woods, dodging back and forth among the trees.
Finally it became obviously that it was hopeless--the lion was going to catch him. So he turned suddenly, faced the beast and dropped to his knees. "Lord," he prayed desperately, "make this lion a Christian."
Instantly the lion dropped to its knees and prayed, "For this meal of which I am about to partake..."
:lol:
Love,
MB
xxx
cerysmeatloaf
27 Jun 2003, 10:30
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
MBrevard
27 Jun 2003, 11:45
Three International journalists, a Briton, an American and a Frenchman, were captured by terrorists in Iraq. Each man was sentenced to stand before a firing squad.
The Briton was the first to be put against the wall. Standing back, the terrorist in charge said, "Ready, aim--"
At which point the Briton interrupted by shouting, "Earthquake!"
The Firing squad ran for cover, and the Briton escaped.
Regrouping, the Iraqis put the American against the wall. Once again the leader said, "Ready, aim--"
"Flood!" Taking a leaf from the Briton's book, the American yelled.
Once again the Iraqis panicked, and the prisoner escaped.
Finally the French journalist faced the guns, ready to repeat the ploy of his predecessors. The terrorist leader said, "Ready, aim--"
"Fire!" hollered the Frenchman.
8O
Okay! Here's another one with an International theme, which isn't much better!!
The Mafia don learns from his accountant that someone in the family in America has been stealing money. Flying from Sicily, he has all of his young lieutenants brought in one at a time. Alone in a room with his translator, Maria, he asks each of them if they have been taking money. Whenever a man says, "No," the don puts a gun to the man's head. If he still says "No," the don lets him go.
The last lieutenant brought before the don is Salvatore, and he's shaking like a leaf.
"So," says the don through his translator, "Are you the one who has been stealing from me?"
"No, Godfather," says the man.
The Godfather puts the pistol to the man's temple. "I ask you again: Are you the one who has been stealing from me?"
Quaking horribly, the man screams, "Yes! Yes! I took the money and put it in a suitcase in my attic!"
The don looks at his translator.
"Godfather," she reports, "He says, 'I'll bet this old codger doesn't have the guts to pull the trigger.'"
:mrgreen:
Love,
MB
xxx
cerysmeatloaf
27 Jun 2003, 12:19
A student essay stated: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom.
"In the margin of the paper, the professor commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely slipped.
MBrevard
27 Jun 2003, 14:17
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
:twisted:
Love,
MB
xxx
cerysmeatloaf
27 Jun 2003, 16:44
hi mb how r you
Have you recently been diagnosed with AAADD?
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it goes...
I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . .
BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . .
BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . .
BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.
What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . .
BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . .
Aaaagh!!! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . .
BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . .
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . .
I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious...
I'd get help...
BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.
Testify
27 Jun 2003, 19:53
:lmao:
:lol:
:lmao:
original sin
27 Jun 2003, 20:30
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
MBrevard
28 Jun 2003, 11:50
Here's a bad joke to start off the weekend: :roll:
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."
The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".
:oops: Yeah, I know...Shall we try another one??
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience could be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for day after day...
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
:roll:
Love,
MB
xxx
cerysmeatloaf
28 Jun 2003, 12:25
hope you can see the funny side to this
There were two nuns...
>One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other
>one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are
>still far away from the convent.
>
>
>SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
>past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
>
>SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
>
>SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
>most?What can we do?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
>
>SM: It's not working.
>
>
>SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
>thing. He started to walk faster, too.
>
>
>SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
>minute.
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
>and I'll go this way.He cannot follow us both.
>
>
>So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
>
>
>Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
>what has happened to Sister Logical.
>
>
>Then Sister Logical arrives.
>
>
>SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
>happened!
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow
>us both,so he followed me.
>
>
>SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
>could and he started to run as fast as he could.
>
>
>SM: And?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
>
>
>SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
>
>SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
>
>
>
>
>SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
>
>SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
>man with his pants down.
Wild_Honey
29 Jun 2003, 05:27
hehehehe I like that one! :lmao:
Here's one more; but maybe it would have fitted better in the "Women rule" section; dunno. :wink:
A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
Wild_Honey
29 Jun 2003, 05:42
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Wild_Honey
29 Jun 2003, 05:47
There was a young girl who loved to wear dresses everyday to school.
One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.
She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could clearly see her underpants.
When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the kids just wanted to see her underpants so she told the girl not to climb the pole again.
Of course the little girl didn't believe her mom and the next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her underpants and laughed.
When she went home she told her mother the news. Her mother was angry. She told the girl she shouldn't climb the pole. She told her, "They just want to see your underpants and if you climb the pole again your grounded!"
The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for more goodies, so up the pole she went.
When she came home she told her mother what she got for climbing the pole and her mother went ape. "I told you they only wanted to see your underpants!" she raged.
"But mommy", the little girl answered, "this time I was smart enough not to wear any."
Wild_Honey
29 Jun 2003, 05:52
Here's one for "The Lord Of The Rings" fans. :wink:
Tales From The Shire
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.
The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no.
He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in he boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Eminence, look at this bigsonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says
"You know, you fvckers are all right".
8O :))
Famous Sexual Quotes
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy - Tom Clancy
You know "that look" women get when they want sex?Me neither - Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand - Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for adate on Sauturday night.- Rodney Dangerfield
There are a number of mechanical devices which increases sexual arousal particularly in women amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 500SL - Lynn Lavner
Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist - Matt Barry
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope - Camille Paglia
Sex is one of the nine reasons for re-incarnation. the other eight are unimportant - George Burns
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships - Sharon Stone
My girlfrield always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading - Steve Jobs - (Founder Apple Computers)
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it so I said Thyroid Problem - Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men
. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps - Tiger Woods
continued...
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch - Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)
Ah, yes divorce from the latin word meaning
to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet- Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself - Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place - Billy Crystal
According to a new survey women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other woman. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful - Robert de Niro
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms they say they cause severe swelling. So whats the problem - Dustin Hoffman
There's very little advice in mens magazines because men think - I know what I'm doing - Just show me somebody naked - Jerry Seinfeld
Instead of getting married again I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house - Rod Stewart
Testify
08 Jul 2003, 18:13
:lmao:
tukayaway
09 Jul 2003, 22:37
An Irishman, a South African and a Chinese man were looking for jobs in the Job centre. A clerk comes up to them and says "I have three jobs on a building site that starts tomorrow, could you be there for 8?" Gratefully, the men take the offer.
At 8, the foreman meets the threesome and asks them if they have any experience. The Irishman replied, "Back in Limerick, I was well known amongst builders as a fine roofer." So he walked up the ladders and started work on the roof.
The foreman asked the South African what he could do, "Well, me and my brother worked together as brickies back in Cape Town" So he picked up a trowel and started building walls.
The Chineseman said, "I've never done building work, but I'm pretty good with figures." The foreman decides he would be useful down in supplies and puts him to work.
After a few weeks, the building is nearing completion and the Irishman and South African are eating lunch together. The both wonder what happened to the Chineseman as they hadn't seen him since they started. So they both went down to supplies and asked for him, when all of a sudden, the Chineseman burst out of a cupboard shouting, "SUPPLIES!!"
Hope that didn't upset anyone?
original sin
10 Jul 2003, 00:37
:lmao:
Testify
10 Jul 2003, 09:57
:lmao:
Ok - the sonofabitch joke translated by The Dialectiizer (http://rinkworks.com/dialect/)
A priest decides t' take a walk t' de pieh near his church.
He looks around 'n final stops t' watch a fishehman load his boat.
De fishehman notices, duuhhhh, 'n asks de priest if he wudd like t' dgoin him f' a couble of hours.
De priest agrees.
De fishehman asks if de priest has ebeh fishid bef'e, uh uh uh, t' which de priest says no.
He baits de hook f' him 'n says, duuhhhh, "Gibe it a shot fadeh".
Afteh a few minoots, duuhhhh, de priest hooks a big fish 'n struggles t' get it in he boat.
De fishehman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Priest: "Uh, blease sir, can you mind your language, duh...uh...?"
Fishehman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry fadeh, but dat's what dis fish is callid - a sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
Afteh the, duh uhh, trip, de priest briggs the, uh uh uh, fish t' the, errr, church 'n spots de bishop.
Priest: "Eminess, look at dis bigsonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Bishop: "Please Fadeh, mind your language, uh uh uh, dis is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't undehstand - dat's what dis fish is called, uh uh uh uh, 'n I caught it. DOIHH!I caught dis sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. Duh, you know, uh uh uh uh uh uh, I cudd clean dis sonofabitch 'n webuh cudd habe it f' dinneh."
So de Bishop takes the, uh uh uh, fish 'n cleans it, uh, 'n briggs it t' Modeh Supehior at the, errr, conbent.
Bishop: "Modeh Supehior cudd you cook dis sonofabitch f' dinneh tonite, duh...uh...?"
Modeh Supehior: "My lord, uh uh uh uh, what language! Huh huh!"
Bishop: "No, Sisteh, dat's what the, uh uh uh, fish is callid - a sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL! Fadeh caught it, uh, I cleanid it, uh, 'n webuh'd like you t' cook it."
Modeh Supehior: "Hmmm. Duh, yes, duuhhhh, I'll cook dat sonofabitch tonite."
Webuhll, de Pope stops by f' dinneh wid the, duh uhh, three of dem, 'n dey all dink the, uh uh uh, fish is great. He asks whehe dey got it.
Priest: "I caught the, ERRRR, sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Bishop: "And I cleanid the, ERRRR, sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Modeh Supehior: And I cookid the, ERRRR, sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
De Pope stares at dem f' a minoot wid a stee gaze, uh uh uh, but den takes off his hat, uh, puts his feet up on the, duh uhh, taggle, 'n says
"You know, uh uh uh uh uh uh, you fockehs are all rite".
8O :))
Testify
10 Jul 2003, 21:01
:lmao: hehehe
Shadows On The Wall
11 Jul 2003, 20:47
sorry im crap at jokes
Two nuns were walking down an alley. They suddenyl realised that they were being followed by two men. So the nuns speeded up and then the men speeded up. So the nuns began to run and then the men began to run.
Finally the men caught the nuns, threw them to the ground and ripped their habits off them. The first nun cast her eyes heavenward and cried "Forgivew him lord, he knows not what he is doing."
The second nun shouted out "It's alright lord, mine does!"
Ahem ... cough ...
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that." she said, but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 16-year-old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
:)) :))
Testify
11 Jul 2003, 21:57
:lmao:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed.
To the first mother he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter, Candy"
He turned to second mother, "Your obsession is money. Again it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny"
He turned to the third mother "Your obsession is alcohol. Again it manifests itself in your childs name, Brandy"
At this point, the fourth mother got up took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on Dick, lets go"
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies. The couple go to an undertaker who explains that
they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $7500, whereas they
can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and
we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
:p :))
tukayaway
12 Jul 2003, 22:18
How do you confuse an idiot?
32
For the Dutchies:
Wat staat er op een rolstoel van een moslim ??
Islam
Wild_Honey
13 Jul 2003, 17:38
The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
The Flying Mouse
13 Jul 2003, 18:51
If that rabbit is male,he's just wished a whole heap of trouble on himself 8O :lol:
Poem by guess who - read carefully you should be able to suss this one out - 1 clue- Help!
We lay upon the grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt,
and her leg fell in the river
Whats the difference between an old slapper and a bowlin ball? nothin... They both get picked up,f......., then banged down an alley
Poem by guess who - read carefully you should be able to suss this one out - 1 clue- Help!
We lay upon the grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt,
and her leg fell in the river
Paul Mcartney... :twisted:
Poem by guess who - read carefully you should be able to suss this one out - 1 clue- Help!
We lay upon the grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt,
and her leg fell in the river
Paul Mcartney... :twisted: - Yes! :lol:
Wild_Honey
17 Jul 2003, 13:02
Eeeeeerm, I think it was JOHN LENNON!!!!???? 8O 8O 8O
Wild_Honey
17 Jul 2003, 13:12
This one is QUITE disgusting, but tame. 8)
3 Vampires
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."
Eeeeeerm, I think it was JOHN LENNON!!!!???? 8O 8O 8O
Eeeeeerm No - P.Mc new wife - l leg get it :lol:
>A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil
>pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
>motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
>
>After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal.
>
> "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream"
Wild_Honey
17 Jul 2003, 16:48
:lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao:
Hafta tell you my elephant joke.. WARNING though..it may not be to everyone's taste....
A man goes to his doctors, and says to the doc, 'I've been raped by an elephant!!'
The doctor looks slightly aghast, and suggests the man drop his pants, and bend over so he can examine him.
The man does so, but when the doc looks, all the doc see's is a massive hole where the man's anus should be...
'In my opinion,' says the doc, 'Elephants have very long, thin penis's....there's no way that an elephant's penis could have caused this damage'
'I know what your saying doc,' says the man, ' But he fingered me first...'
Wild_Honey
18 Jul 2003, 16:22
:D :D :D
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's a*** was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
:mrgreen:
meatfan
21 Jul 2003, 01:11
A man went to Court to divorce his wife.
"Why do you want a Divorce?" asked the Judge.
"Well", he replied, "She keeps goats in the bedroom and they stink".
"Can you not open the windows?" asked the Judge.
"What?" replied the man. "And let all my pigeons out?"
Heather.
meatfan
21 Jul 2003, 01:15
Oh, Dottie,
Just read your jokes! :lol: :lol: :lol: Could not stop laughing!
You have my sense of humour!
Heather.
Wild_Honey
21 Jul 2003, 13:04
3 Men, 3 Wishes
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''
tukayaway
22 Jul 2003, 00:14
A tramp walks into a bar and asks the barman for a toothpick. Not wanting any trouble, the barman gives the man a toothpick. Another tramp walk in and asks the barman for a toothpick, and again, the barman duly obliges.
A third tramp walked in and the barman gave him a toothpick. The tramp declines and asks for a straw. The barman asks "I've just had two tramps asks me for a toothpick, why do you need a straw?"
"Someone has been sick outside and all the good bits have gone"
meatfan
22 Jul 2003, 01:22
I read the Tramp joke and was so upset I was sick through the open window.
The doorbell rang - my husband said "There are three tramps outside and the first two are asking for toothpicks".....
:twisted: HeHeHe :twisted:
Dare I put my name to this?
Wild_Honey
22 Jul 2003, 14:02
A tramp walks into a bar and asks the barman for a toothpick. Not wanting any trouble, the barman gives the man a toothpick. Another tramp walk in and asks the barman for a toothpick, and again, the barman duly obliges.
A third tramp walked in and the barman gave him a toothpick. The tramp declines and asks for a straw. The barman asks "I've just had two tramps asks me for a toothpick, why do you need a straw?"
"Someone has been sick outside and all the good bits have gone"
:mrgreen: YUCK! :mrgreen:
Wild_Honey
22 Jul 2003, 14:03
Q: What does an elephant use as tampon?
A: A sheep.
:lol:
Testify
22 Jul 2003, 14:05
i seriously wonder about u ppl sometimes :lol:
Wild_Honey
22 Jul 2003, 14:12
i seriously wonder about u ppl sometimes :lol:
:devil: How come??? :devil:
Wild_Honey
22 Jul 2003, 14:30
A guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over. He then orders a hamburger and a hotdog. So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. So the man asks, ?Where's the burger??
Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, ?I was keeping it warm.?
Disgusted he says, ?Please cancel my hotdog...?
I agree with Testify, sometimes I really worry about the things that are going on in your heads.
Some of those things are very funny tho...
meatfan
23 Jul 2003, 01:46
I dont get Wild Honey's joke - someone explain?
Heather.
The Flying Mouse
23 Jul 2003, 01:58
:twisted: I seriously doubt anyone could explain it without having their post being edited big time :lol: .
Testify
23 Jul 2003, 13:27
:lmao: hehe nope!!
Wild_Honey
23 Jul 2003, 17:16
Sorry, just realised my mistakes.... :oops: I'll edit it later!!!
Wild_Honey
23 Jul 2003, 17:35
A guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over. He then orders a hamburger and a hotdog. So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. So the man asks, "Where's the burger?"
Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, "I was keeping it warm."
Disgusted, he says "Please cancel my hotdog..."
...Or I think I should have a go at another joke next time... :roll:
tukayaway
24 Jul 2003, 21:04
I cant think of any fu..ing jokes that dont involve any bloody swearing. They will just get p.....g modified to complete and total b......y!
F..k it!
tukayaway
24 Jul 2003, 21:06
It would seem I've found a few rude words!
Wild_Honey
24 Jul 2003, 21:14
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef!
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk!!
============================
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A currant
============================
Two flies were playing football ina saucer. One said to the other, "We'll have to improve by next week. We're gonna be playing in the cup!!"
============================
Two cows were standing in field. One said "Baaa" the other said "What do you mena Baa, Cows say Moo."
The first one said "I'm learning a foreign language!!"
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked fora-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"
A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
(With apologies to Mr Peter Kay!!)
Exactly. :))
http://www.mlukfc.com/funstuff/moo.jpg
:lmao: :lmao: :mrgreen:
I love this thread!
Testify
24 Jul 2003, 23:28
tis a good thread!! :D
meatfan
25 Jul 2003, 01:36
A man walked into a pub with a crocodile on a lead.
The barman said "You can't bring that in here". "Why not"? the man asked. "Because it might bite someone" said the barman.
"Well" said the man, "I'll show you how gentle he is".
With that, he opened the crocodile's mouth, put his head in its mouth and clamped the jaws together. He unclamped the jaws and his head emerged uninjured.
Still not convinced, the barman said he needed more proof, so the man unzipped his trousers, opened the crocodile's mouth and put his penis in and clamped the jaws shut. He then pulled the jaws apart, and his penis was like his head, uninjured.
Looking round the bar, he asked "Does anyone else want a go"?
A little old lady stepped forward and said "I do - but please Mister, don't clamp my jaws together like you did to that crocodile"!
Heather.
Wild_Honey
25 Jul 2003, 10:37
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
What do you call a group of women in a field of vibrators???
Squatters........
Squatters........[/quote] Oh Heat I love it :oops: :lol:
After a woman gave birth to her baby, a doctor stood solemly beside her bed.
'There is something i must tell you about your baby' he said.
'What's wrong?' the alarmed mother asked.
The doctor replied, 'Your baby is a hermaphrodite'
'What's that?' said the worried mother
'It means your baby has both male and female parts' said the doctor
'Oh my god...thats WONDERFULL!!!!' said the mother 'You mean the baby has both a penis AND a brain???'
Testify
25 Jul 2003, 23:30
:lmao: hehe good one
Imagine, if all the major retailers started making thier own brand of condoms, Whilst still retaining thier normal taglines...
Sainsbury's condoms - Making life taste better
Tesco's condoms - Every little helps
Nike condoms - Just do it!!
Peugeot condoms - For the ride of your life
Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk
KFC condoms - Finger licking good
M & M's condoms - Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Safeway's condoms - Lightening the load
Co-op condoms - We go further, so you don't have to
Abbey National condoms - Because life is complicated enough
Grolsh Condoms - We only let you drink it when it's ready
Worthington's condoms - It's a man thing
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing
Ever Ready Battery condoms - Keeps going and going
Macintosh condoms - It does more, it cost's less, it's that simple
Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King condoms - Home of the whopper / Have you got the urge?
Goodyear Tyres condoms - For a longer ride, go wide
Muller Light condoms - So much pleasure, where's the pain?
Flash condoms - We do all the hard work, so you don't have to
Halfords condoms - We go that extra mile
Royal Mail condom - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong, and very very long
Renault condoms - Because size does matter
Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin
Domestos condoms - Get's right under the rim
Heinekin condoms - Refreshes the parts other condoms just cant reach
Carlsburg condoms - Probably the best condom in the world
Mars condoms - A mars a day helps you work, rest and play
AA condoms - The 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - It's a bit of an animal
Polo Mint condoms - The condom with the hole
meatfan
26 Jul 2003, 12:00
HaHaHa! :lmao:
Very funny,very original Heat!
Heat2 (Heather)
Oh Heat Vundabar! :lol: :lol:
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
I can just see it now...
Oh Heat u are wonderful
These are the top 15 things that irritate dogs about humans...
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny....
3. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGING DOG, YOU IDIOT!!!
4. How you nievely believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone....ever noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt???
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyways?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it!!!
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet???
8. Getting upset when i sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry i haven't mastered the art of the handshake yet.......idiot....
9. How you act disgusted when i lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Haven't you noticed the fur???
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we eat your things while you're out.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Have you any idea how off schedule that puts me???
13. Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip' then acting surprised when i freak out every time i go back.
14. The slieght of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you tard.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us???
Testify
27 Jul 2003, 13:22
hmmm maybe i should stop doin tricks with my dog :? she might turn on me :lol:
I am never going to do a fake stick throw with my dog again.
I feel very ashamed :oops: :(
meatfan
28 Jul 2003, 01:50
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and
health teachers by junior high, high school, and college
students around the world.
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you
expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube"
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a
free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and
the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and
u."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."
"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill
effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until
the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make artificial perspiration.""For fainting: Rub the person's
chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put
the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
Heather.
Testify
28 Jul 2003, 12:48
:lmao: hehe thats made my day readin that! :lmao:
this is from the back of my sweet packet.
what lies under the sea and shivers?
a nervous wreck 8O shockin!!
A man and woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. the woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. Tha man went back to reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you alright?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you" the woman replied. "I have a rare condition, when I sneeze I have an orgasm".
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said "Pepper". :lmao:
meatfan
28 Jul 2003, 23:38
HaHaHa! :lmao:
Nice one Dottie!
Heather.
Wild_Honey
29 Jul 2003, 14:25
:lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao:
cerysmeatloaf
31 Jul 2003, 08:07
Joke Of The Day
At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives
complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines
him and asks him"What the hell did you do to your
back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a
local night club?
Today morning I got home to my apartment early and
heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew
someone had been with my wife and
the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony
door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from
the balcony I saw a man running out and he
was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw
it at him,That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in
a car wreck. The doctor says "My previous looked bad,
but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"
He replies, "You know I have been unemployed
for a while now .Today was the first day at my new
job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I
was running out of the building, getting
dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it
but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than
the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well I
was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the
3rd floor.
A little boy begged his parents for months to be allowed a telly in his room. Eventually they gave in and got him his own TV.
One day he went to his dad and said "Daddy, What's love juice?"
Well, the father sat him down and explained all the ins and outs of the birds and the bees and all about sex. He finally said "Now, tell me son, what filth were you watchign to hear abotu love juice?"
The little boy replied "Wimbledon!"
tukayaway
02 Aug 2003, 23:59
Chris, have you been reading FHM? :wink:
Me?? Read FHM??? Never
Couldn't remember where I had read it until you said that!!!
Wild_Honey
03 Aug 2003, 15:52
Me?? Read FHM??? Never
Couldn't remember where I had read it until you said that!!!
Guys, what IS "FHM"?? :oops:
Me?? Read FHM??? Never
Couldn't remember where I had read it until you said that!!!
Guys, what IS "FHM"?? :oops:
It's a Men's Magazine, Honey :roll:
Wild_Honey
03 Aug 2003, 16:17
Me?? Read FHM??? Never
Couldn't remember where I had read it until you said that!!!
Guys, what IS "FHM"?? :oops:
It's a Men's Magazine, Honey :roll:
Thanks Heat, I HAD thought it was... :wink: Just wasn't sure...
Wild_Honey
03 Aug 2003, 16:38
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
shadow1000001
04 Aug 2003, 05:17
That was very cute :mrgreen: Now I have one!!
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse springs into action. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a grip on it.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves and her head strikes the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....................................
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse :twisted:
Maria
heres a silly one. What is the fastest cake in the world? Scone. :lol: :lol: :lmao:
An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There is only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out : "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks. Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure. The Scouser then calls out : "Oi wack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table. Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!" Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!" Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"
:)) :)) :))
shadow1000001
05 Aug 2003, 03:54
I have a cute poem for all those out there who are not morning people like me!!
I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away. He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun. It seemed hes very trilling, brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers, crept slowly out of bed, then gently shut the window and crushed his f*****g head.
I am not a morning person :twisted:
Maria
cerysmeatloaf
05 Aug 2003, 12:50
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.
Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, "what are you doing?"
The child answered, "smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me."
Testify
05 Aug 2003, 17:14
:lol: hehe good ones :D
i got one, dont know if its good or not but hey..
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
cerysmeatloaf
06 Aug 2003, 13:11
good one Testify i liked it
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
MoHe opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
Testify
06 Aug 2003, 16:43
hehe like that one :D
well here goes another...
...Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
not very good but hey :P
cerysmeatloaf
06 Aug 2003, 21:39
good one testify
how about this
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"
Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have
someone for you to meet."
Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black condom over his erection.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
shadow1000001
08 Aug 2003, 05:21
Cute one Chris!!
...Quote for the Day...
A good friend will come bail you out of jail.....but a true friend will be sitting beside you saying " Damn... We F****D up" :twisted:
Testify
08 Aug 2003, 09:17
:lol: very good! hehe
this one isnt very good.
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
:P
Tony Blair is at his weekly meeting with the queen, when he turns round and says..
'As i'm the PM, i'm thinking of changeing what the country is, so i'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom'
To which the Queen replied,
'I'm sorry Mr. Blair, but to be a Kingdom you have to have a King in charge, and you are NOT a King'
Blair thought for a while and then said,
'How about a Principality then?'
To which the Queen replied,
'Sorry, Mr. Blair, but to be a principality, you have to be a Prince, And you are NOT a Prince.'
Again Blair thought long and hard, and finally said,
'How about an Empire then?'
The Queen, getting a little pissed-off by now, replied,
'Sorry again, Mr. Blair, but to be an Empire you must be an Emporer, and you are NOT an Emporer'
Before Blair could utter another word, the Queen proclaimed,
'Anyway, Mr. Blair, I think we are doing quite nicely as a Country..'
One day this woman says to her husband "You don't go to church enough. This week you're going!!"
So, come sunday morning, she sneds him off to church in his nice clean suit. later that morning, he staggers home, covered in blood witha big black eye
"What the chuff's happened to you?" asked his wife
"Well" said the chap "I was in church when we all knelt down to pray. And I notiecd that the women in fornt of me had got her skirt caught between her butt cheeks. So i leaned forward and gently pulled it out. Well, she mustn't have liked it so she turned round and punched me"
The following week, the wife put the man in his suit adn sent him off to church again. Sure enough, he returned covered in blood.
"What happened this week?" she asked
"Well, we were all knelt down again and the woman's skirt was stuck up her bum again. Now, I didn't do anything, but the chap next to me leaned forward and pulled it out. Now I remembered that last week, she didn't like that. And i didn't want the chap to get slapped like I did.
So I leaned forward and and pushed it back up....."
The proud parents were looking fondly down at thier newborn son.
Suddenly the father exclaimed 'Wow - doesn't he have a big penis?? It's massive!!!'
'Never mind love,' said the mother, 'At least he has your eyes'....
shadow1000001
10 Aug 2003, 07:24
Cute one Heat :!:
Here are some of life's truths:
1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. If you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that is the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away with their shoes.
6. If at first you don't suceed, skydiving is not for you.
7. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
8. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
9. We are born naked, wet and hungry, then things get worse.
10. NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
11. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness" :twisted:
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly l00 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear" replied granny. "Many years ago when realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong" She paused to wipe away a tear and continued "and if the dammed ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today". :lol:
Two for you:
An elderly couple were walking along reminscing about their first date almost 60 years before. They spotted a fence and the woman nudged her hubby and said: "Look, do you remember what we did against that fence 60 years ago?"
"Of course I do" he replied "How could I ever forget our first time. How do fancy giving it another try now?"
Well, they went up against the fence and starting to get down to it when all of a sudden the chap starting going at it like a duracell bunny adn the woman is screaming with orgasm after orgasm. Finally they collapse on the floor in a heap.
"You didn't go like that 60 years ago" said the woman
"The bloody fence wasn't electricfied 60 years ago" replied the chap
:D :D
A sunday school teacher was talking to her class and asked
"Does anyone know where jesus is?"
A little girl put her hand up and said
"Please Miss, he's in Heaven"
"Correct" said the teacher "Anyone else?"
"Please miss, He's in our hearts" said a little boy
"Correct she replied "anyone else?"
"Please Miss, He's in my wardrobe"
"O, Johnny, i'm not sure about that. Why do you think he's in the wardrobe?" asked the teacher
"Well Miss, every day when my dad comes home for lunch, I can hear my mum shout "Jesus Christ my husband's home, quick, get in the wardrobe!!!!!!!"
:D :D :D :D :D
The Irish and their optimism - (I'm half irish-so no offence to any others out there)
After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers.
Unfortunately they've got no money and the barman won't give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his head and says, "I hate Indians. Last week the b*stards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars".
The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian. Later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine.Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine whre Paddy starts sawing the Indians head off.
Suddenly Mick says, "Paddy look at this....." Paddy says "in a minute".
"No look at this ...."says Mick.
"No, can't ya see I'm fookin busy....."
MIck grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.
"Fook me," says Paddy, "We're gonna be millionaires"
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die. I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him, with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out inhis coffin, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the coffin, the wife said ""Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she cameover with the box and placed it in the coffin next to the body. Then the undertakers locked the coffin lid down and carried it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the coffin". she said, "Yes I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can''t lie.. I promised him that I wasgooing to put that money in the coffin and I did".
"You mean to tell me you put every penny of his money in the coffin with him?"
"I sure did", said the wife. "I got it altogether, put it into my bank account and wrote him a cheque.
Right On!! :lol:
Might only be the Brits/Germans who get this!!!!
A German visiting London asked a hooker for a shag. She told him that it
was twenty quid. "Fine" he said, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agreed that
this was OK as long as he didn’t do anything violent. They got back to her
flat and he got out four big springs attached to some straps. "I want you
to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he said. The
hooker, although worried that she was getting into something a bit heavy,
went along with his request. Then she was told to get down on all fours,
naked, in front of him. She did so grudgingly. Then, asking her to start
bouncing up and down on the springs, he took a duck decoy whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he told her. So then he
ground away while she bounced up and down on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly and surprisingly, she started to enjoy it, so much so that she experienced the most fantastic orgasm she'd ever had. After they'd finished she said... "Wow that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?" "Ah," he replied, smiling......
"Four Sprung Duck Technique".
tukayaway
30 Aug 2003, 01:40
:lmao: Brilliant!
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put
a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates.
Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
Hope you like this one...
I created the mule, and told him 'You will be mule, working constantly from dusk till dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years,'
The mule answered 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.
Then i created the dog, and told him 'You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion, and you shall eat the scraps of his table, and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded 'Lord, to live like this for 25 years is too much, Please no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
I then created the monkey, and told him 'You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much, please Lord, give me no more than 10.' And it was so.
Finally, i made Man, and told him 'You are man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creaturs of the world. You will dominate and live for 20 years.'
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be man for only 20 years is too little. Please Lord, give me the 30 years that the mule didn't want, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey didn't want.' And it was so.
And so, i made man to live for 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years as a mule,working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live for 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the scraps the children leave behind. Then in his old age, he is to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
lol i like that 1 he he! :lol:
Two women walked into a bar. You would have thought one of the silly lasses would have seen it!!!
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh not nice but still funny!! :lol:
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five year old son playing with his neweletric train in thel iving room. She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of your b......s who want off get the hell off now, 'caus this is the last stop! And all of you b......s who are getting on get your a..e in the train. Cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room andstay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language".
Two hours later, the son came out of the nedroom andresumed playing with his train, soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say
"All passengers who aredisembarking the train, please remember to ake all of yourbelongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. " She hears the little boy continue, "For thos of you boarding we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under the seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
As the mother began to smile, the child added.
"FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE PISSED OFF ABOUT THE TWO HOUR DELAY, PLEASE DIRECT YOUR COMPLAINTS TO THE FAT BITCH IN THE KITCHEN" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Testify
17 Sep 2003, 14:45
:lmao: :lmao: brightened my day....heehee
lol soooooooo funny :!: :twisted:
Aoccdring to a rscheerarch at Cmarbgide Uinerivsty, it deons't mettar in waht odrer the lttres in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt thing is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are at the rghit palecs.
The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can siltl raed it wouitht porlbem.
Tihs is bcaesue the hmaun mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wolhe.
Fcuknig azmanig, eh?
Testify
19 Sep 2003, 21:46
:lol: yup
Two policemen saw an old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they see she's had too much to drink and they decide to drive her home. They put her into the police car and one of them gets in the back with her. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say is "Your Passionate" as she stroked his arm. They drove a while longer and asked over and over again, where she lived, each time with the same response "Your Passionate"she said stroking his arm. The policemen were getting more than a little fed up so they stopped the car and said to the woman, look we have driven you around this City for more than three hours and you still haven't told us where you live. To this she replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
Just read all the jokes and am still laughing...........I'll have to think of some, maybe clean them up a bit first though. :lmao: :lmao: :devil: :devil:
lol *rolls round on the floor* :lol: :D :lol:
Please, do not flame me for being racist!! I ahve just been told this by an asian shopkeeper friend of mine:
Why has Pakistan never won the world cup?
Because every time they win a corner, they stop to build a shop on it!!!
CHRIS!!!!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
This was supposedly reported in a Florida Newspaper although I am not sure which one!!! It happened in the town of Crestview.
A man and his wife reached the supermarket just as their car broke down. the husband told his wife to go into the shop and buy the groceries and he would get the car sorted.
Upon leaving the store, the lady noticed a crowd had gathered around the car so she went over to see why. Sticking out form under the jacked-up vehicle was a pair of male legs. The gentleman in question was wearing shorts but no underwear so his private parts were of full public view!!
The wife, unable to bear the humiliation, knelt down, put her hand up the shorts and adjusted everything abck to its proper position.
She stood up to find herself face to face with her husband.
The mechanic removed himself from under the vehicle wearing a large smile!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dreamer of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, and will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, Sweet as a rose,
She'll kis you one miniute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, then milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengefull, and merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
original sin
04 Oct 2003, 10:39
:twisted: uumm I like that one Heat :lol:
A man went to court to ask for a divorce.
After reviewing the papers, the judge asked "Why should I grant you this divorce?"
"Well your honour" replied the man "the problem is that I live in a two story house"
"What the heck does the height of your house have to do with anything?" Asked the Judge
The man replied "No, no, it's a two story house. teh first story is I ahve a headache, and the second sotry isd that time of the month!!!"
:D :D :D
Frank gets up one morning and tells the wife to put her good clothes on because he was taking her out for the day
But I've got loads of stuff to do today she protested
Your too miserable he sadi, I'm taking you to the zoo for a day out
So they went off to the zoo and aas they wandered around they went past the gorilla cage
"He fancies you" said frank to his wife
"Does he heck " she replid
He does frank said, go on , flash a bit of leg at him
So she did and the gorilla got more excited. Feeling braver she flashed a bit of cleavage at him adn the gorilla started jumping up and down with joy.
All of a sudden Frank grabbed his wife, shoved her in the gorilla cage adn locked the door.
"Frank" she screamed through the bars "why???"
Frank turned and replied "Now tell HIM you've got a headache!!!"
A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the
stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger." Little Tommy, who had just opened his book,
closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like
to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an
interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse,
a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
The very first ever Blond GUY Joke... and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating
lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito
and jumped too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.
are you ready for it....................
it's worth the wait
here it comes..............................
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
A woman went into a pharmacy adn asked to buy some cyanide. the pharmacist said "What do you want that for? It's very dangerous!!"
I want to kill my husband replied the woman.
Well i'm sorry said the pharmacist, i can't sell you any to commit murder with. Why do you wnat to kill him anyway?
The woman didn't speak adn instead pulled a photo out of her husband with the pharmacists wife
"Ah right" said the pharmacist "Why didn't you say you had a prescription!!!"
White of High
22 Oct 2003, 01:50
A housebraker is climbing into the dark kitchen but in the window he hears the next:
- "Jesus listen you!"
He's affraid but climbing away. When his legs in the kitchen he hears again:
- "Jesus listen you!"
He fears, the ice running on his back, trembling but he reaches out for the switch but he hears again:
- "Jesus listen you!"
He's switching on the light and see a parrott in a cage on the table. He goes there and ask:
- Did you say that "Jesus listen you!"?
- Yes. - say the parrott.
- And are you Jesus?
- No. My name is Clerence.
- Clerence? What a stupid man gives such a name for a parrott?
- Who gives the Jesus name for the pittbull...
White of High
22 Oct 2003, 01:58
A man takes off his trousers at the doctor and show his naked ass!
- Mister! Do you know what are you doing? I am an eye-specialist!
- Yes, I know, I know! But do you see a hairs on my ass?
- Yes.
- And do you see the little knots at the ending on a hairs?
- Yes!
- Well, when I'm scratcing off them my eyes always fill with tears...
A man got up one morning \and went to the kitchen. His wife was in a foul mood!
"And just who is Linda?" she snapped
"Linda??" he asked nervously
"Yes linda, you were shouting her name all night"
"Ah well dear" he said "She is a horse "lucky Linda" that someone gave me a tip on and i was just excited about it because it was such a good tip!"
His wife seemed to accept this so they both went about their days. When the chap got home from work his wife was in an even worse mood. He walked in and she punched hm one
"What the hecks wrong with you?" he asked
Se looked at him before replying "Your horse telephoned!!!"
Rumored Corporate Mergers
It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Failed merger: Yahoo and Netscape. Net 'n Yahoo didn't work out because they would have to relocate the headquarters located in Tel Aviv.
Proposed merger: Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild.
Rumored merger: Wurlitzer with Xerox. They are going to market reproductive organs.
Possible merger: Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merger: mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining: Dip Audi Do Da
Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese
Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts
Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck
White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags
A selection of metaphors!!!!
Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31 pence-a-pint night.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: .
This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.
"A naked woman."
He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.
"A naked woman on a bed."
"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: ,Chris your crazy :lol: , but funny. :wink:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
original sin
24 Oct 2003, 18:23
:lmao: OMG I really need that what a long laugh I've just had!
Thigs you shouldn't say to a cop:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
The Flying Mouse
24 Oct 2003, 18:32
:twisted: A man was walking down the street when he saw a small boy on the oposite side struggling to reach the door bell of a house.He crossed the road and rang the bell for him.Thanks mister said the boy.Now run. :lol:
original sin
24 Oct 2003, 18:34
:lmao: keeping 'em coming guys this is just what I need :lmao:
Thigs you shouldn't say to a cop:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
http://www.mikeyshouse.com/images/let_me_finish_my_beer.jpg
The Flying Mouse
24 Oct 2003, 18:47
:twisted: Now that is a guy with his priorities in order :lmao: .
Another thing you should never do to a cop is to sing maybe it's because i'm a Londoner (after drinking to many beers).I know.I was that drunk :oops: .
Funny thing is,by the time they finally released me,every cop in the station was either humming,whistling or drumming the tune with their fingers :mrgreen:
Anyway,back on topic,
A man was standing at a bus stop eating a bag of chips.The woman next to him had a dog on a lead,that was getting very excited by the smell of the food and jumping up against the man.
Do you mind if I throw him a bit?asked the man.No,not at all said the lady.So the man picked up the dog and threw it over a wall :lol:
As a tribute to the weather:
A little bear went up to his mum adn asked "Am I really a polar bear?"
His mum looked at him adn said "Well, white fur, you live at the north pole, me and ya dad are polar bears, So yes you are a polar bear"
So he went to find his dad and asked him "Am I really a polar bear?"
His dad looked at him and said "Well, white fur, you live at the north pole, me and ya mum are polar bears, So yes you are a polar bear"
So he went to find his granny and asked her the same question,
She said "Well, you've got white fur and live at the north pole so yes you are a polar bear. Why do you ask?"
And he looked up at her and said "Because I'm blooming freezing!"
tukayaway
25 Oct 2003, 23:58
The music and football world were rocked today when Sophie Ellis Bexter was found dead at a footballers house.
Apparently it was murder on Zidane's floor.
The Flying Mouse
26 Oct 2003, 02:46
:twisted: Baby camel said to mummy camel,Mum,why do I have long eyelashes?That's to keep the sand out your eyes during sand storms she answerd.
OK,said baby camel,but why do I have this huge hump on my back?Thats so you can store enough moisture in your body to travel accross the desset for weeks on end without needing to drink she said.
I see said baby camel.One more thing,he asked,what the hell are we doing in a zoo then 8O .
LOL *rolls around on the floor screamin with laughter!!*
Wild_Honey
26 Oct 2003, 18:19
:twisted: Baby camel said to mummy camel,Mum,why do I have long eyelashes?That's to keep the sand out your eyes during sand storms she answerd.
OK,said baby camel,but why do I have this huge hump on my back?Thats so you can store enough moisture in your body to travel accross the desset for weeks on end without needing to drink she said.
I see said baby camel.One more thing,he asked,what the hell are we doing in a zoo then 8O .
This is actually something that makes you think. :)
Wild_Honey
26 Oct 2003, 18:20
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/hones.jpg
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings and the auto-answer kicks in. A man engages the hands free speaker- function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
The management bible:
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%..
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing! will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While, Hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bull**** and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
Yes! An excellent one Chris! :lol:
Let me try :D
(This is a clean joke by the way)
A beautiful young woman came out of the shower one day Hair wet and brushed down, wearing a white towel. "Honey she said, its time to have your shower now."
She heard the doorbell , so she went downstairs to open the door. It was her husband's friend Bill. Well Bill looked at this beautiful young woman and his jaw just dropped!
He thought she was just gorgeus. He said to the woman, "I'll give you $200 if you drop your towel down to your waist." She thought about and realized well we do need to get caught up on our rent this month, so she did. And Bill Gave her $200 dollars, and even more amazed at the site of this woman.
Then Bill says, I will give you another $200 if you drop the towel all together. She thought about it said what the heck. She dropped her towel, and Bill was astonished, completely amazed of this young woman.
He gave her the $200 dollars and left. The woman went back upstairs, and her husband asked, "Who was at the door?" "Oh", she said, "It was just Bill." "Oh", said the husband, "Did he mention anything about the $400 dollars he owes me? :lol:
ChrissybabezNI
21 Nov 2003, 01:21
One day an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotchman were talking about their sons.
My son was born on St. George's day, said the English man. So we decided to call him George.
Thats the same with me, said the Scotchman. Our son was born on St. Andrews day, so we called him Andrew.
Would you believe that! said the Irishman.
Exactly the same thing happened to our son Pancake!
:D, lol me like it, lotz!
This is one for the British audience:
A farmer is in despair, it is the bleakest winter he has ever experienced and his cattle are suffering. Soon his desperation turns to sadness as he realises that all of his cattle have been frozen solid. He turns away to walk home and just as he turns he sees a figure walking across his frozen field.
The figure gets closer and it turns out to be a little old lady. The little old lady touches the nose of one of the cows and miraculously it comes back to life!!
The farmer is amazed!
The little old lady touches each of the beasts one by one and they all spring back into life! Then, as mysteriously as she appeared, the little old lady walked away across the field…..
Just at that moment the farmer’s wife walked up to her husband after viewing the spectacle.
“I cant believe what I just saw, who was that women?” Asks the farmer.
“Don’t you know?” Replied the wife
“That was Thora Hird”
I thank you.
The Flying Mouse
24 Nov 2003, 19:09
:twisted: A man is driving down a country road when he feels his car go over a bump.He gets out to investigate, and is horrified to find out he has run over a rabbit.The man is utterly distraught and breaks down crying by the side of the road.At this moment, a priest happened to be driving by.He sees the man and stops to see if he can help."Whatever is the matter my son?" the priest asked."Oh father,I have commited a terrible crime" he sobbed."I've killed this poor rabbit.Please father, i've never killed a living thing in my life.Is there anything you can do?Perform last rights perhaps?The priest smiled and said "don't worry, I think I have just the thing".The priest walked back to his car, picked up a bottle and went over to the slain bunny.He sprinkled the contents over the rabbit, who then suddenly sat up.The rabbit sniffed the air and hopped away.When he had gone no further than 5 yards,he turned to the two men and waved.He continued on his way, stopping every 5 yards to stop and wave at the two men."PRAISE THE LORD" the man shouted."It's a miracle.Tell me father, how did you do it?What was it in the bottle?Was it holy water?"No" the priest replied."It's hare restorer with a permanent wave".
:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:
:lmao:
ChrissybabezNI
24 Nov 2003, 19:48
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish"
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
It's opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. " I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Shit," said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
:))
British Sense Of Humour!
Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known a 'E by gum!'
A little boy comes home from school and says to his mum,'mum,whats lovejuice?',very shocked the mum asks why does he need to know, to which the little boy answered that they have to do research for their homework, so the mum reluctantly describes the ins and out of love juice and how it happens when mummy and daddy get a bit sexual etc,
To which the little boy replies 'what the f..k has that got to do with TENNIS!!!!
Greenster
05 Dec 2003, 14:27
Hi Guys, hope this works:
http://www.tym66.boltblue.com/Parrots.gif
:D
Greenster
05 Dec 2003, 14:29
Hey Hey !, there's more:
-------------------------
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
"Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruining her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry Father, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers what'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
-----------------------------
"Doctor Doctor, I think I'm a moth"
"Sir, this is a florist shop"
"Yes, I know, but the light was on"
-------------------------------------------------
President George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive.
She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."
"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr.. President?"
Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"
Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.
Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr.. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."
:D :D :D
Just wondering if any of the ladies on here have bought one of the new australian rugby bras??
It is green and gold
with plenty of support
BUT NO CUPS!!!!
A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light ? Now ? Does it look like I have an Eastern Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't> think so !"
"Well then could you fix the fridge door ? It won't close properly."
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my
forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"Does it look like I've got B & Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering.
He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.
She replied: ..............
"HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Sad Tale From Sydney
===================
Little Bruce was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, politician;
Bruce was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Bruce aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Bruce, "My father plays rugby for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say".
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass
through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass"
through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied............. ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > WAIT FOR IT
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > "They're Carols"
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said
"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife.
When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how
good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different
person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect
thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.
As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a
new shirt?"
Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
The salesman eyed Jerry again.
"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
Once again, Jerry was surprised.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.
As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about
new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?
So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a
size nine-and-a-half?"
Jerry was astonished.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these
things!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.
Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:
"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"
Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size
36."
Jerry laughed.
"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you want, He's not gonna come running over!!
=======================================
What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine!!!!
A three legged dog walks into the saloon bar at the OK Coral.....
He approaches the bar tender and orders whisky in his texan drawl.
"What brings you here pardner?" asks the bar tender as he pours the drink
Brace yourselves................... for the reply..............
"Ah'm lookin' fer the man who shot ma paw"
A horse walke dinto a bar adn asked for a drink
"Sure" said the barman "But why the long face!"
black dog
03 Feb 2004, 23:52
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said,
"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I said to her
"Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family
and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".
Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone
after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and
handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I
can't wear these, they're far too large for me".
"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always
will. I don't want you to ever forget that".
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack.
So Jill said " Exactly, and if you don't change your b****** attitude, you
never will!"
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Suppose like the guy who died when a car ran over his finger.
He waz picking his nose at the time 8O
black dog
05 Feb 2004, 19:32
Jordan & Peter Andre are having sex in the jungle & they hear a noise.
Jordan says "Is that Jonny Rotten?"
Andre answers "I hope not it's the only 1 I've got."
Skeleton
10 Feb 2004, 10:34
What reads on robots gravestone?
Rust in Peace.
DIZZY DRUMMER
10 Feb 2004, 13:48
NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There
might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the
guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away
at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation." 8O 8O
Skeleton
11 Feb 2004, 10:32
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lmao:
Ageing Bat
12 Feb 2004, 12:42
Found this is best read with the intro from Wasted Youth 'playing in your head' - you'll see what I mean!
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the
silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. .......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP..
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty
hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at
the coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
Kitty Kat
15 Feb 2004, 20:19
It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman...
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable ! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an ITALIAN man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt........... one button at a time.......
No one moves.
He removes his shirt........
Muscles ripple across his chest........
She gasps..........
He whispers:
" Iron this, and get me something to eat....."
:up: :))
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss."Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
"Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"
"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -----
followed by my wife ----------
children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday------
And I just sat there ----
on the couch ----
naked.
black dog
18 Feb 2004, 00:04
Ever wonder why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes?
A - Absent
B - Barely Visible
C - Come in Useful
D - Damn Good
E - Enormous
F - Fantastic
FF - F***in Fake!
A man walked into a bar and said
"Can I have a packet of Helicopter flavoured crisps please?"
The ladnlord replied
"Sorry mate, I've only got plain!"
A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.
The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.
The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."
The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."
The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"
The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."
The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"
The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?"
"Good, got any grapes?"
RoknRollJesus
01 Apr 2004, 16:02
Don't Poke Him In Church!
A couple was sitting in church. The man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked: "Who created the Earth and man?"
The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "GOD!"
The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"
Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam
when she didn't want any more children?"
The knitter poked her husband again,
but this time he got up and screamed:
"Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"
The priest smiled and said, "That's right." :lol:
jo
DIZZY DRUMMER
02 Apr 2004, 08:13
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it really works."
I've just taken this from a Todd list:
Try this very soon, before someone forces Google to
fix its site:
1) Go to www.Google.com
2) Type in weapons of mass destruction
(DON'T hit return)
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google
search"
4) Read the "error message" carefully. The WHOLE
page. Someone at Google really has a sense of humour
and will probably be fired soon!
SueW
http://www.KasimInfo.com
How you find that Sue 8O ....have I said before,
What do you do if an Irishman throws a Grenade at you????
Pull the pin out and throw it back :D
what do you call a donkey with 3 legs???
WONKEY!!!!
HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAA
:wtf: what.....
Emily
Modern Girl
16 Apr 2004, 12:29
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish;
The man said, Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want;
The Lord said, Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
;Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me;
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say, "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy.
The Lord replied, You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Modern Girl
16 Apr 2004, 16:25
Letter to Dog From Owner
------------
Dear Dog,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each
other so there are still three dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look
at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress
this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Thank you,
Your Owner
Some jokes I found in an old joke book
News Flash
A lorry load of wigs has been stolen on the M1. The police are combing the area,
Another News Flash
A 4-foot man and a 9-foot man have just escaped from jail. the police are looking high and low for them.
A joke from a magazine:
Ali G's sister is pregnant but there are complications and she falls into a coma for nearly six months. When she wakes up she asks the docter about her baby. The Doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
She thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
"Well what's the girls name?"
Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow thats not a bad name!"
Then she asks the doctor, "Whats the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
airhead
16 Apr 2004, 22:01
I've just taken this from a Todd list:
Try this very soon, before someone forces Google to
fix its site:
1) Go to www.Google.com
2) Type in weapons of mass destruction
(DON'T hit return)
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google
search"
4) Read the "error message" carefully. The WHOLE
page. Someone at Google really has a sense of humour
and will probably be fired soon!
SueW
http://www.KasimInfo.com
wonder what happens if you hit the bomb button? 8O
Hmmmmmmmm okay ....... NO YOUNG UNS TO READ THIS ONE
What is the difference between a Penis and a Prick???
A. A penis can give you years of pleasure ...... a prick is what it's attached to :lmao:
DIZZY DRUMMER
18 Apr 2004, 07:49
The Prince of Wales was visiting a hospital & was directed into the men's ward. Shaking hands with the patient in the first bed he asked him what he was in for.
"Piles" he was told
The Prince asked what the treatment was.
"Wire brush & liquid paraffin" was the reply.
"And what is your chief ambition?" asked the Prince
"To be a pilot" answered the patient
He moved to the next bed and was suprised to hear that he too was suffering from piles and was undergoing the same treatment.
He moved to the third bed and asked if he was suffering from piles.
"Laryngitis" croaked the patient
"What is the treatment for that?" asked the Prince
"The same" said the patient "wire brush & paraffin"
"And what is your chief ambition?" asked the Prince
"To get the wire brush before the other two" he was told 8O
Modern Girl
19 Apr 2004, 11:39
:lmao:
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