Jokes [Archive] - Page 3 - mlukfc.com Forums

mszee

21 Jan 2007, 19:24

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Keep going down

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

P.S. Thanks again, Mike!!! You keep me in stitches!!!

JanT

21 Jan 2007, 20:51

:lmao: I like it.

sexyeyes_jo

23 Jan 2007, 01:36

*News flash*
Michael Jackson has attempted suicide by
jumping off his private yacht at sea, but
police have found him bobbing up & down
on a small buoy!

sexyeyes_jo

23 Jan 2007, 01:45

The prosecution in the
Michael Jackson case
just submitted its first
piece of evidence today.
.............a single white
glove with a brown finger.

Hypnobabe

23 Jan 2007, 10:38

A bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St. Peter asks the 1st Nun "have you ever had contact with a penis?" She says "I touched one with my finger". St. Peter says "dip it in Holy Water". He then asks the next Nun - "I fondled one" she says. "Put your hand in Holy Water". Suddenly they hear a commotion as a nun pushes her way to the front. St. Peter asks "what's your rush?" she replies "well if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I want to do it before Sister Ann sticks her arse in it!"

sexyeyes_jo

23 Jan 2007, 23:13

who got to heaven first ken biggley or superman??

ken biggley had a head start

mjbo

26 Jan 2007, 20:45

A man is caught one day, having sex with a labrador in a public place. He gets arrested and a few weeks later is in up in court for the incident.

The judge is reading the description of what happened in disbelief, shaking his head.

"How low can you go?" he asks the defendant with a sense of shock and disgust.

"Well, I think my record is a Jack Russell!" :shock:

mjbo

26 Jan 2007, 20:46

.....wanders off the street into a Catholic church.

He staggers around until he finds the confessional, enters, and sits down.

Several minutes go by but the drunk does not say a word.

The priest on the other side raps on the wall to get the drunk's attention.

The drunk says, "I'm afraid there is no paper in here either." :roll:

mszee

28 Jan 2007, 03:06

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on w could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected or some time now that my Wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a
little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

mszee

28 Jan 2007, 03:09

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake hi wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making he sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said,"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

mszee

28 Jan 2007, 03:11

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we 're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....He sighed......."Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

mszee

28 Jan 2007, 05:55

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.

We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax office and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."

daveake

28 Jan 2007, 11:12

Scene at Iraqi immigration control:

Immigration officer: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from the US of A"
"Age?"
"45"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"

Dave

Hypnobabe

29 Jan 2007, 17:58

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

mszee

02 Feb 2007, 10:06

A man took his wife to the Iowa State Fair and one of the first exhibits

they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and

there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50

times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This

bull mated 120 times last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice

a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in

capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited

that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day

You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with

the same cow."

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he

should eventually make a full recovery.

mszee

04 Feb 2007, 16:28

A Polish man moved to the Ireland and married a Cork girl.

Although his English was Far from perfect, they got along very well

Until one day he rushed in a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce For him.

The lawyer said getting a divorce would Depend on the circumstances,

and asked him The following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, how are your relations?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at pharmacy and put on Shelf
in bathroom.

I can read, and it say:

"Polish Remover."

Lord Kagan

04 Feb 2007, 19:01

:lmao: Good joke Zina

The Flying Mouse

06 Feb 2007, 11:12

:twisted: A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! What are you doing?" The koala says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks him what's the matter. The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says - "Hey you!" The koala looks down and says: "Faaaaarrrrk dude...how much water did you drink?!!" :yikes:

Chris

06 Feb 2007, 14:41

I've just heard some terrible news - apparently one of my friends has always dreamt of being run over by a train and this weekend he committed suicide by hurling himself under a steam engine.

Still he must have been happy at following his dream, apparently he was chuffed to bits!

mszee

08 Feb 2007, 03:40

At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

Finally, a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.

The hottest selling bumper sticker from New York state .

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Chris

16 Feb 2007, 09:41

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him
for sex,these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings
and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.:shock:

Men sometimes don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

mszee

16 Feb 2007, 19:52

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance.

He said "Welcome to the gentleman's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us three," and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore stepped up and said, I think I'm the most aware of the environmental problems of us three," and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next presidential campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

The Flying Mouse

16 Feb 2007, 20:20

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun.

:twisted: OMG, that's a funny joke :lmao:

"I think" :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

mszee

16 Feb 2007, 20:25

:twisted: OMG, that's a funny joke :lmao:

"I think" :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

And therein lies Mr. Flying Mouse last post...:lol:

mszee

16 Feb 2007, 22:08

batoutofhell3

16 Feb 2007, 22:38

batoutofhell3

16 Feb 2007, 22:58

...A Virgins Nightmare........

girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

That made me laugh so much :D

batoutofhell3

16 Feb 2007, 23:05

a blonde woman goes into the launderette to get her jumper cleaned, the blonde explains to the woman at the counter that there is a stain on it and it needs to be done in an hour. The woman behind the counter does not hear the blonde properly and replies 'come again?'. The blonde blushes slightly and says no its just mustard this time...

Hypnobabe

16 Feb 2007, 23:28

Alright then...similar joke...

Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton are on a cruise together when, out of nowhere, the ship hits an iceberg and starts to sink.

Carter cries out, "Save the women and children!".

Nixon replies, "Screw the women and children!",

to which Clinton replies, "Do you think there's time?"

a blonde woman goes into the launderette to get her jumper cleaned, the blonde explains to the woman at the counter that there is a stain on it and it needs to be done in an hour. The woman behind the counter does not hear the blonde properly and replies 'come again?'. The blonde blushes slightly and says no its just mustard this time...

Loved these two, made me laugh out loud...

Okay, rude one coming up...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun.You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too."
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um,equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

mjbo

17 Feb 2007, 20:19

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

mjbo

17 Feb 2007, 20:21

The old lion-tamer was passing on his skills to a young trainee on a work experience course.

"Now, the first technique you must learn is to stare down the lion, to show him who's boss. Before I can show you how to put your head in the lion's mouth, you must gain his respect. Standing in the centre of the ring, fix him with a level gaze. This will arouse his curiousity, and he will start to walk slowly towards you. When he does that, without losing eye contact, pick up your chair, and hold it out in front of you. This will keep him at a safe distance. You mustn't lose eye contact - keep staring at him !"

"But what if it doesn't - what if he knocks the chair away?"

"Well then, hold your whip out in front of you, and without losing eye contact, back slowly away until you get to the door of the cage. This will give you a chance to open the door and get out, without letting the lion close to you. But for God's sake, don't lose eye contact."

"But what if he knocks the whip away before I can open the door - I can't back away any more !"

"OK - keeping your back to the bars, and without losing eye contact, bending your knees very slowly, reach to the sand behind you, pick up a handful of crap, flick it quickly into the lion's eyes, and quickly get out of the door."

"But what if there isn't any crap on the ground ?"

"There will be."

mjbo

17 Feb 2007, 20:23

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

mszee

18 Feb 2007, 17:58

One night, George W. Bush is ****ing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

mszee

19 Feb 2007, 20:21

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Ageing Bat

21 Feb 2007, 14:20

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER;
she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB;
she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND;
she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY;
she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS;
she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME;
he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers
GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT;
he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not STUPID;
he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS;
he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has
INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

mszee

21 Feb 2007, 14:32

He is not short also goes politically correct as "vertically challenged"

Great joke...thoroughly American...

Blackkat13

21 Feb 2007, 18:03

For Valentines Day A guy asked his wife what she wanted.

She Replied Something that can go 0 to 200 really quick. Meaning she was wanting a new car.

When he returned he gave her a box wraped up nicely here you go.

The wife had a puzzled look on her face. She opened the box to find it was a new ditigal scale.

LOL

Blackkat13

21 Feb 2007, 21:56

Here's 1 more

Wise Old Indian Chief
Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two US.
Government officials sent by the President to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied . "When white man found the land,
Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian
man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex.

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

The Flying Mouse

22 Feb 2007, 13:27

:twisted: I'm sure there's a moral to this, but I can't seem able to pin down exactly what it is :roll:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and
Guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the
Guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
The girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
Then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen,
This guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
Probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a
Woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

"if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
Whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how
Much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
Dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing
My neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he
Was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we
Had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

:shock:

Ageing Bat

22 Feb 2007, 13:44

:twisted: I'm sure there's a moral to this, but I can't seem able to pin down exactly what it is :roll:

I think it's probably along the lines of "always make sure you have a tub of vaseline handy"

Lord Kagan

22 Feb 2007, 18:38

:lmao: good joke neil

Lord Kagan

22 Feb 2007, 18:43

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Lord Kagan

22 Feb 2007, 18:44

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Blackkat13

22 Feb 2007, 18:46

Fuuny Both Prisoners jokes I'm gonna have to send those to my dad he'll LHAO on those jokes

The Flying Mouse

22 Feb 2007, 20:51

:twisted: OK, to stay on prison humour............

Three police officers were given the following little laminated card.

http://media.mlxxfc.net/circles_4_1_15748.gif

Two of the policemen were Nigel and Cecil, high flyers in Scotland Yard.

The third was Nobby, the street copper.

The specialist area of all three officers was drugs division.

"Gentlemen", said the chief superintendant, "I want you to takr this card into the community, and see how many people you can convert to the path of righteousness in one week, and report back to me".

The three toddle off and return one week later.

"So Nigel, you first, how did you do?"

"Well sir, I converted 357 people to the path of righteousness"

"That's very impressive Nigel, how did you do it?"

"Well sir" says Nigel indicating the smaller circle, " I said this is your circle of friends if you do drugs.
You are a social outcast, the kind of person who is shunned by friend and family alike.The kind of person that nobody wishes to know.

THIS", he continued pointing to the larger circle, "is your circle of friends if you DON'T do drugs.You are an emencly popular chap, friend to all and the life and the soul of every society party.

See how much better your life will be if you don't use drugs".

"Very good Nigel" says the gaffer, clearly impressed.

"OK Cecil, how did you do?"

"892 people converted to path of righteousness sir" says Cecil in hiw most superiour tone.

"Now that is jolly good work, how did you achieve such a high number?"

"Well sir, I told the person, THIS (indicating to small circle) is your brain power if you use drugs.
Your thoughts are clouded, you can't focus clearly on anything.Even the simplest things like tieing your shoelaces becomes a battle of will against your own intelect".

"THIS, is your brain power if you DON'T use drugs.
The human mind is one of the most complex things in all of creation, capable of deep thought and wonderous revelation.

See how much better your life will be if you don't use drugs".

"Well Cecil, that is very very impressive" says the chief, who then turns to Nobby with barely concealed distain for the common police officer and asks "so come on Nobby, how did you do?"

"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, 5927"

"I beg your pardon Nobby, did you just say 5927?"

"errrrrrrr, yeh"

"Please pray tell how you did that" says the chief with a look of utter astonishment on his face.

"I told the person, look, i'm a copper, and if you take drugs, i'll nick yer, and you'll go to prison, and that's the size of your arse when you go in, and that's................."

I dare say you can work out the end :lol:

mszee

24 Feb 2007, 05:18

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.

SW31

24 Feb 2007, 11:30

The Flying Mouse

28 Feb 2007, 11:13

:twisted: A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the fast lane, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

:mrgreen:

Ageing Bat

01 Mar 2007, 13:49

Him: G'day Sheila! Fancy a shag?
Her: No!
Him: Mind laying down while I have one?

mjbo

05 Mar 2007, 18:41

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Monstro

06 Mar 2007, 14:45

A woman walks into a cocktail bar and says "I'll have a double entendre, please."

So the barman gave her one.

Blackkat13

06 Mar 2007, 22:32

On his wedding night a guy asks his wife "Is this your first time"

The wife responds "Why is it every guy I'm with asks me that"

samurai7

07 Mar 2007, 02:57

A woman walks into a cocktail bar and says "I'll have a double entendre, please."

So the barman gave her one.

now THAT's a joke! :D

Monstro

07 Mar 2007, 02:58

Killed me when I heard it, hilarious

samurai7

07 Mar 2007, 03:06

I posted this one on another thread, but I love it...

A friend of mine drinks a lot. It escalated until eventually he was drinking brake fluid.

But he says it's akay, he can stop any time.

Monstro

07 Mar 2007, 03:09

I gotta remember that one, like it!!!!

mjbo

17 Mar 2007, 10:33

A man walks into a fishmonger's carrying a salmon under his arm.
"Do you make fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course", says the fishmonger.
"Oh good", says the man, "It's his birthday." :lol:

Blackkat13

18 Mar 2007, 05:39

What's Black and White and Waddles????

A Nun

mszee

19 Mar 2007, 02:15

There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

Chris

19 Mar 2007, 21:55

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one, " the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars. Computers with light-speed processing., ..and more. " After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:

"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was surprising..

samurai7

19 Mar 2007, 22:43

Warning:

Offensive Joke Alert.

Two tampons pass each other on the street. What do they say?

Nothing - they're both stuck up c*nts

(sorry)

Chris

29 Mar 2007, 06:46

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for ?"

Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel":shock:

Chris

29 Mar 2007, 06:47

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE
Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of This house and my word is Law. You will prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will
serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kinds of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are
going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f***ing funeral director would be my first guess."

31 Mar 2007, 23:41

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St.Peter says,"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, until one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on called Todd. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

And Todd says,"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Monstro

31 Mar 2007, 23:42

Very funny!!!!

mszee

03 Apr 2007, 03:22

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being
absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

(Thanks, Mike)

mszee

08 Apr 2007, 19:45

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

mszee

08 Apr 2007, 19:45

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

mszee

08 Apr 2007, 19:46

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" T hat's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

" Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

mszee

08 Apr 2007, 19:47

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

mjbo

12 Apr 2007, 14:08

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,

"Mary. Mary."

"Is that you Fred"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.""What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Ireland." :D

mszee

13 Apr 2007, 14:17

There is this good old barber in some city in the US.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting
at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Russian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Russian software engineer is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...

Can you guess?

Do you know the answer yet?

Come on, think like a Russian ...

... a dozen Russians waiting for a free haircut!

mjbo

29 Apr 2007, 17:55

There are three blondes washed up on an island.

Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent.

Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

mjbo

29 Apr 2007, 18:06

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and looks at the table at his small bowl........... it is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks with all the fierceness he can muster.
Next, Papa Bear arrives at the scene, looks into his big bowl......... it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars and shakes the house.
Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
It was Mama Bear who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke up everyone in the house. It was Mama Bear who made the coffee. It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mama Bear who set the table. It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.
Mama Bear said, "Now that you've decided to drag your sorry selves downstairs and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time - I
HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!!!!"

Monstro

29 Apr 2007, 19:57

The three bears go for a walk before breakfast and return hungrier than ever.....

Baby Bear - Who's eaten my porridge?

Mummy Bear - Who's eaten my porridge?

Daddy Bear - F**k the porridge, where's the tv and video???????????

mszee

30 Apr 2007, 21:46

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

mszee

02 May 2007, 01:44

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

mszee

05 May 2007, 20:43

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, No, I'm your son's teacher."

06 May 2007, 22:07

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that "

The Flying Mouse

12 May 2007, 15:37

:twisted: A delivery man went into a mental institution to deliver a package. On passing one of the rooms, he heard 'thirteen, thirteen, thirteen' over and over again. He raised an eyebrow and passed on.

After delivering his package he went back through the same route, and again passed the door...'thirteen, thirteen, thirteen' he heard again...unable to contain his curiosity, he peeked through the keyhole to see what was happening.

Suddenly, a straw came through and poked him in the eye!

He stood up, clutching his face and heard..

'fourteen, fourteen fourteen' :mrgreen:

Hypnobabe

12 May 2007, 22:46

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and
dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious!

Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

mjbo

13 May 2007, 22:32

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

So he is in his room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic .........

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9." :lol:

14 May 2007, 20:02

So this irishman walks past a bar.

:bleh:

The Flying Mouse

14 May 2007, 20:27

:twisted: Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther
always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and
50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and
Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I
might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is
50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50
dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and
over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to
Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out,
but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

tinkerbell

15 May 2007, 18:34

Firemen had to rescue an irish man stuck/trapped to a condom machine. They asked what happened. He said the sign says insert £2 and push knob in...

Hypnobabe

27 May 2007, 00:02

A young blond walks into a pet shop looking for a pet but not sure what to get, as she is wandering around she notices a box labled SEX FROGS £20 each complete with instructions.
No one is watching so she whispered to the shop keeper, " I'll take one please."
The man packages the frog and says " Just follow the instructions" The blond nods and grabs the box and rushes home.
As soon as she arrives home so eagerly opens the box and reads the instructions---
1 Take a shower
2 Splash on some nice perfume
3 Slip into a sexy nightie
4 Crawl into bed and place frog on the pillow next to you, and allow the frog to do what he is trained to do
She gets into bed and follows the instructions but nothing happens, she waits and waits but nothing , after a while she phones the man at the shop and tells him , The man says " I'll be right over."
Within minutes the man is ringing the doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says" See I have done everything according to the instructions, the damn frog just sits there"
The man , looking very concerned , picks up the frog, stares into eyes and sternly says,
LISTEN TO ME! I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME......

Hypnobabe

27 May 2007, 00:45

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish restaurant: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

Hypnobabe

27 May 2007, 01:06

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots, (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

mszee

01 Jun 2007, 14:51

Very very funny...thanks!!!

In re: the signs joke above...this is the true story...

There was no movie posters in Russia when I lived there...so every movie theater would have their own artist on stuff to paint - actually paint in oils - the poster for the movie...so every poster was different and up to the artist...

There are many I've seen that were hysterical but would be lost in translation...but one I remember very well...it advertised a very tight murder mystery where you don't know who the murderer is until the last 5 minutes...

One of the artists in my area painted the poster and written brief description of the movie...at the end of the description was following:

The role of murderer is played by Oleg Yankowski...

Bwahahahahahahahaaha

P.S. I have to add here that Oleg Yankowski was one of the biggest Russian movie stars at the time...known to EVERYBODY...

sexyeyes_jo

04 Jun 2007, 19:06

Michael Jackson has been found not guilty on all accounts of child molestation! His lawyer is now trying to get Stevie Wonder a driving licence!

sexyeyes_jo

04 Jun 2007, 19:24

Michael Jackson has sacked his chinese lawyer stating he could affect the verdic.Mr Poke Um Yung feels michael is over reacting.

Hypnobabe

05 Jun 2007, 12:16

I walked into a Subway (sandwich shop) with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Hypnobabe

05 Jun 2007, 12:38

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" £124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Ner, nah......he came in heeya to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's ruined, you might as well gan fishing."

mszee

05 Jun 2007, 14:05

Claire...these are priceless...hahahahahaahahahaha

Hypnobabe

05 Jun 2007, 14:41

You're welcome hon ;)

The Flying Mouse

07 Jun 2007, 17:58

mjbo

08 Jun 2007, 22:16

Paddy asks the dentist what is involved in getting all teeth removed in preparation for dentures.

Dentist : "That's a major procedure. I'll administer a general anaesthetic so there'll be no pain, but it'll cost you €1200"

Paddy : "What! I can't afford that, is there not a cheaper option?"

Dentist : "Well you could go for local anaesthetic, but there would be quite a bit of pain for a few days after, that would be €800"

Paddy : "You must be joking, I'm not paying that, look what is your absolute rock bottom option?"

Dentist : "OK, there is the €150 option, but I would most certainly not recommend it - No anaesthetic, buckets of blood, and excruciating pain for weeks"

Paddy : "Grand cake, book the wife in for noon tomorrow." :D

mjbo

08 Jun 2007, 22:20

A woman brought a very limp duck in to see the vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." he replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "You haven't done any tests on him or anything. Maybe he's just in a coma or something, I demand a second opinion!"
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a brown Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the exam table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a tabby cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and sniffed delicately at the bird. Then it sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a 100% certifiable, dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and out popped the bill.
He handed it to the duck's owner who gasped in shock, "£150 she cried. £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan the price went up considerably"

mszee

08 Jun 2007, 22:45

Mibo, you have the best jokes!!!

JanT

08 Jun 2007, 22:46

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan the price went up considerably"

:lmao:

mjbo

08 Jun 2007, 23:00

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay cheque.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

mjbo

11 Jun 2007, 19:33

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air Is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more! :roll:

18 Jun 2007, 19:34

A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the oice again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"~~~~!" shouts the voice ...

mszee

20 Jun 2007, 22:14

President of Mexico has officially announced that Mexico will, indeed, not participate in the next Olympic Games.

Direct quote from President's speech: "Everybody who could run, jump or swim already left the country".

mszee

20 Jun 2007, 22:26

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8. Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

mjbo

21 Jun 2007, 14:48

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

:lol:

Cpl Mickey

21 Jun 2007, 17:52

Did you hear about the Irish wood worm?
It was found dead in a brick

mszee

25 Jun 2007, 19:36

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?" .

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

mjbo

26 Jun 2007, 20:27

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car.............?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years'?".

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today" :lol:

mjbo

26 Jun 2007, 20:29

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken
surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a
tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him
to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady
little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and
demands an explanation.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise"
"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you
the Peking Duck"

:doh::doh:

mszee

27 Jun 2007, 04:47

Polish women are tough!

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi withFried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

mszee

06 Jul 2007, 16:50

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for
some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I
want you to think about something... Every time I clap my hands, a child
in Africa dies."

A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin' stop
clappin', ya arsehole!"

Hypnobabe

20 Jul 2007, 09:20

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea
and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his a*** with only 2 inches showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.

allrevvedup

24 Jul 2007, 16:37

A man who just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how
she would like the body dressed. He pointed out that the man did look good

in the black suit he was already wearing.

The widow, however, said that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wanted him in a blue suit. She gave the mortician a
blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returned the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check. He
said, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she protested.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician said, "It cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after

you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"So I switched the heads."

LucyK!

24 Jul 2007, 16:40

:lmao: !!! Love that last one! :up:

tinkerbell

26 Jul 2007, 01:31

A Welsh man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Welshman shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.) The man shouts back "Im english, speak english, i don't understand you". The Welshman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in"

:lmao:

mszee

28 Jul 2007, 01:24

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

SamCat

06 Aug 2007, 11:34

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.Because of hectic schedules the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on the Thursday with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel There was a computer in his room so he decided to send his wife an email.However he accidently left out one letter in her email address and without realising his error he sent the email.
Meanwhile somewhere in Houston a widow had just returned home from her husband funeral He was a minister who had a heart attack and died The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from family and friends.
After reading the first message she screamed and fainted, her son rushed to the computer and read:
To:My loving Wife
Subject:I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me They have computers here now and you are allowed to sent emails to loved ones I've just arrived and have been checked in I see everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

mszee

08 Aug 2007, 00:22

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While
her husband is off to work she is going to paint a couple of rooms
in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of
sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket
at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting
the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said,

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

mszee

11 Aug 2007, 06:31

A young Florida football player was viciously attacked by a pit bull while practicing with a friend in his yard one warm September afternoon.
His friend witnessed the bloody attack and quickly inserted the blade of his stick between the dog and its collar. With a snap of his wrist, he broke the dog's neck and saved his friend from certain death.

A local reporter, driving by the field saw what happened and quickly parked and attended to the 2 boys. He immediately began writing a story for the newspaper. Scribbling furiously, he penned, "Local Buccaneers fan saves pal from vicious dog". The young lad who saved his friend commented that he was not a Buccaneers fan. The reporter changed the headline to "Local Dolphins fan saves friend from vicious dog".

The young lad again explained that he was not a Dolphins fan but a fan of the New York Jets. The reporter stared in disbelief at the child hero and after some time, changed the headline to read, "Dirty little Yankee ~~~~~~~ from New York murders beloved family pet."

mszee

13 Aug 2007, 23:55

She was in the kitchen preparing soft-boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,

"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

"Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."

Hypnobabe

01 Sep 2007, 23:02

A pair of newly-weds are chatting away a few weeks into their marriage, when the talk turns towards their respective pasts.

"I have something I should tell you", says the wife. "In a previous life I was a hooker".

"Oh yes", says the husband. After thinking about it for a few minutes, he continues "so tell me more; what kind of things did you get up to?"

"Well", says she, "my name was Steve and I played for Wigan".

Hypnobabe

01 Sep 2007, 23:04

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

allrevvedup

02 Sep 2007, 01:36

i'm getting you to tell that joke when i see you in november...more to see how you attempt an irish accent:D

duke knooby

02 Sep 2007, 01:37

i'm getting you to tell that joke when i see you in november...more to see how you attempt an irish accent:D

can you do an irish accent?

mszee

02 Sep 2007, 05:11

can you do an irish accent?

He really can't...he doesn't speak like a Lucky Charms guy at all!!!

allrevvedup

02 Sep 2007, 10:54

He really can't...he doesn't speak like a Lucky Charms guy at all!!!

It's cause nobody is ever after my lucky charms...well not recently:twisted:

Hypnobabe

02 Sep 2007, 12:11

i'm getting you to tell that joke when i see you in november...more to see how you attempt an irish accent:D

I'll write it down on a bit of paper and give it to you - that should tell you how good I am at Irish accents!!!

mszee

03 Sep 2007, 06:27

It's cause nobody is ever after my lucky charms...well not recently:twisted:

You think?

mszee

03 Sep 2007, 19:50

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy
two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I
consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals
one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165 pounds, so
without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about
three months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

Monstro

03 Sep 2007, 21:46

sexyeyes_jo

03 Sep 2007, 22:30

mszee

03 Sep 2007, 22:34

:lmao:

duke knooby

03 Sep 2007, 22:35

They said a flower
couldn't signify love.
The rose managed it.
They said a plant
couldn't survive without water.
The cactus proved them wrong.
They said a retard couldn't read text
messages..............Well done kiddo!

what the hells that??? can't you type??? complete drivel :? lol (no offence)

mszee

03 Sep 2007, 22:38

what the hells that??? can't you type??? complete drivel :? lol (no offence)

No, it actually depends on who joke is on or about...;)

Monstro

03 Sep 2007, 23:25

duke knooby

03 Sep 2007, 23:51

i think you'll find i didn't, a quick witted person like me saw exactly what was going on.. a sarcastic comedy genius really

09 Sep 2007, 19:52

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

Hypnobabe

13 Sep 2007, 12:11

If you have raised kids, and gone through the pet syndrome including
toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you
laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something was wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I actually think she said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm, you think?).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know (I really do think she was being snotty here, too don't you?).

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?).

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake).

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity. Like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs...

LucyK!

13 Sep 2007, 12:38

This one's from a book called "E.", it's a fictional compilation of the emails that go round an office in a few weeks, a brilliant read...this was "the first e. gag of the new millennium" - appologies for the language! :lol:

Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing. He stops for a chat and mentions he's neve fished before. "It's a doddle," says the angler. "Take a rod and give it a go."

"Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand," says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. After a while he gets a bite and reels in a fat ten-pounder. He's pleased as punch as his parishioner slaps him on the back and says, "That's a great big f**ker, Father!"

"Language!" replies Father Conor. "I am a priest."

"No, Father, this fish is called a f**ker," explains the angler, thinking on his feet.

Laughing at the misunderstanding, the proud priest takes his catch home and finds the bishop waiting in his front room.

"That's a splendid looking fish, Father" exclaims the bishop.

"Aye," replies the priest. "It's a great f**ker."

"Please, Father! Such language," sas the bishop.

"No, no, Your Grace," replies the priest, "f**ker is the name of the fish."

It being Friday, the reassured bishop suggests the repair to his residence for a fine fish supper. Once there the bishop goes to the kitchen to clean and gut the fish. They are joined by the mother superior of the local convent. Being no great cook himself, the bishop says, "Reverand Mother, would you mind poaching this f**ker for us?"

"Bishop, you cannot say that in the house of God," gasps the horrified nun.

"You misunderstand, Reverand Mother," explains the bishop, "this fish is called a f**ker."

Calm again, the mother superior sets to cooking the fish. Shortly they are joined by the Pope who is making a surprise visit (as he does). Delighted, the bishop invites him to supper.

They sit down at the table and the Pope says grace. Then the mother superior brings in the fish on the finest silver platter. Eagerly the three of them await the opinion og God's Mouthpiece on Earth,.

"That is a fine fish," remarks the impressed pontiff.

"That it is, Your Holiness. I caught the f**ker," says the beaming priest.

"I cleaned the f**ker," adds teh bishop.

"And I cooked the f**ker," chips in the mother superior.

The Pope sits back and stares at them for a moment. Then he plants his feet on the table, lets out a mighty fart and says, "Know what? You c**ts are alright."

AndyK

13 Sep 2007, 15:02

You know you've been online too long when ...

1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.

8. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vpersonalised number plate with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 people from online.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your online friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Please come and cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh cyber sex perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

35. You use online lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject red bull into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a tpyo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you with ((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".

Did you know ...

A South American scientist from Argentina after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read online forums with their hand on the mouse.
v
v
v
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late :))

mszee

13 Sep 2007, 15:10

Ummm...hahahahahahahahaha....

LucyK!

14 Sep 2007, 10:14

The "lol" thing is true...I've just finished a book with a character called Lorraine and her friends call her Lol for short...I found it so hard to read it as a name rather than Laughing Out Loud

mszee

16 Sep 2007, 08:11

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Monstro

16 Sep 2007, 11:31

Cheers Zina, it hurts when I laugh and that was hilarious!!!!!

mjbo

16 Sep 2007, 17:23

A husband was just coming out of anaesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful."

He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied. :-)

Hypnobabe

20 Sep 2007, 17:34

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime bar. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Hypnobabe

20 Sep 2007, 17:43

A biker went to the Doctors and complained that when he passes wind, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.
The Doctor told him he must have an abscess.
"How can you tell?" the biker asks.
"Well," states the Doctor, "it's a well known fact that an abcess makes a fart go Honda..."

Hypnobabe

20 Sep 2007, 17:49

Sexual Confessional

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''

''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''

''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''

''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?'' she asks.

''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''

AndyK

20 Sep 2007, 17:51

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Love this bit :lmao:

Hypnobabe

20 Sep 2007, 17:51

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?

"Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.

mjbo

20 Sep 2007, 21:24

a bit rude....but a good one.

mszee

20 Sep 2007, 22:48

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or
hovering near 50 , or even nowhere near 50) are quite confused
about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the
kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are
correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the
following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar .
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least..my personal favorite:

13. Thongs and Depends

GHOST HAWK

21 Sep 2007, 20:17

The most functional English word...........

Well, it's shit ... that's right , shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

mjbo

21 Sep 2007, 22:32

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight
attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in
disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and
said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
:-)

mszee

21 Sep 2007, 22:36

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

RadioMaster

22 Sep 2007, 01:05

lol brilliant!

Lord Kagan

22 Sep 2007, 18:01

A woman goes to her Gynecologist for a check up, He asks her "Youve been married 3 times , how come you're a virgin?"

She replies, "Well, My first husband was an Astronomer, all he did was look up at the stars, My second husband was a Psychologist, all he wanted to do was talk to it, My third husband was a stamp collector, God I miss him"

mszee

24 Sep 2007, 15:22

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. They decide to consult their Rabbi The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband," try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous
room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see that, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

Hypnobabe

29 Sep 2007, 16:38

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Hypnobabe

29 Sep 2007, 16:44

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Queenslander just shrugs "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my son is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says
"You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh? The proud father answers: "17 pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says...... "Had him circumcised!"

mjbo

29 Sep 2007, 18:22

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter could indeed be quite cold and that the members of the village should collect fire wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

mjbo

29 Sep 2007, 18:28

....... his 15-year-old son's room unannounced and realizes that the boy is doing what boys that age are wont to do in private. The man screams, "Boy, you keep that up and you'll go blind!" The boy mutters, "Dad, I'm over here."

LucyK!

08 Oct 2007, 10:51

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Hypnobabe

09 Oct 2007, 18:08

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole
in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one
girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl
who plants the trees called in sick.

Hypnobabe

09 Oct 2007, 18:11

This is a bit close to the bone...

A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies,

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!!"

LucyK!

09 Oct 2007, 18:16

lol I got distracted half way through with the emerald shoes!

allrevvedup

09 Oct 2007, 18:51

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland.

The attendant, who knows nothing about Golf or Tiger, says "Top of the morning to yer Sir"

Tiger nods and bends to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees, they're for resting my balls on when i'm driving", says Tiger

"F*** me" says the attendant, "BMW think of everything!"

allrevvedup

09 Oct 2007, 19:02

What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?

The PGA Tour!

Diane

13 Oct 2007, 19:20

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the Six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says:

"David, I bet you £ 5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't"

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.

Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses."I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

"No, babes, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

mjbo

14 Oct 2007, 15:02

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that sh1t."

duke knooby

14 Oct 2007, 17:08

firemen had to rescue an man stuck to a condom machine. they asked what had happened? he explained "the sign says insert 3 quid and push knob in"

mszee

15 Oct 2007, 17:01

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I' m jus t full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'Wh at i s the name of th e restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already d resse d and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to star t writ ing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was tell ing his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris w alking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

mjbo

15 Oct 2007, 22:32

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Brilliant.... :lol:

Hypnobabe

19 Oct 2007, 00:37

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? '
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. ' Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. '

Management lesson:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Hypnobabe

19 Oct 2007, 00:38

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish. '
Me first! Me first! ' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. ' Puff! She's gone.
Me next! Me next! ' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. ' Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up, ' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch. '

Management lesson: Always let your boss have the first say

Hypnobabe

19 Oct 2007, 00:39

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing? '
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not. '
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Hypnobabe

19 Oct 2007, 00:40

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, ' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy. '
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? ' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. '

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management lesson: Bull-shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Hypnobabe

19 Oct 2007, 00:42

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate; the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management lesson: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Hypnobabe

19 Oct 2007, 00:48

DEAR WIFE
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair
of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me
anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Spain
together! Have a great life!

__________________________________________

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man
is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing
that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I
didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my sister had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So
take care. Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

SamCat

19 Oct 2007, 00:51

PMSL!!!!

mszee

19 Oct 2007, 01:33

Laughing my butt off here as well!

mszee

21 Oct 2007, 07:00

Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, October 26th 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Hypnobabe

22 Oct 2007, 15:38

The barber: Dai the hair

The undertaker: Dai the death

The Proctologist: Dai Your Rear

Bad Welsh carpenter: Dai no-saws

Demolition expert: Dai Namite

Welsh vaccum seller: Dai's son

Indecisive Welshmen: Dai Chotomy and Dai Lemma (Llllllemma?)

Welshman who rings rude phone numbers: Dai Lonineoeight

The Welsh writer: Dai Re

Welsh bling seller: Dia Monte

Welsh road repairer: Dai Version.

Welsh coroner : Dai section

Hypnobabe

22 Oct 2007, 22:55

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on
the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog
and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look.

'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the
cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says 'You're probably
right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'

Hypnobabe

25 Oct 2007, 00:16

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million pounds." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

Hypnobabe

25 Oct 2007, 00:22

Hubby just got a new set of Wiper Blades for my car. I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but he doesn't care, he says they work great and they are the only blades I have ever had that he actually likes to watch working. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work.

http://media.mlxxfc.net/WiperBlades.jpg

Monstro

25 Oct 2007, 02:47

AndyK

25 Oct 2007, 10:12

Do they come with working screenwash?????

Well someone was gonna say it!!!!!!!

And I was right ... it was you :p

mjbo

28 Oct 2007, 18:07

Woman goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot, and the owner says "I've got three - £200, £100, and £50". "What's wrong with the cheapest one?" she says. "Oh, it came from a brothel that was raided by the cops. It's language is a bit blue", he says. "Well, we're all adults in our house, so I'll take it".
When she gets home, she takes the cover of the cage, and the parrot says "F**k me!! A new knocking shop!", and the woman laughs. A few hours later, her two daughters com home "F**k me!!, Two new whores!!", say the parrot, and they all laugh. A few hours later her husband comes home "F**k me!! What are you doing here Bob!" says the parrot!

mjbo

28 Oct 2007, 20:47

After going to the hospital for a routine checkup, a man is devastated when he finds out he has the rare deadly disease B55. The doctor tells him that he only has 1 week to live.
After going home to come to terms with the news the man decides that he is not going to waste his last week alive so he and his wife go out to bingo. While he is there he decides to enter the prize draw game. First of all he gets 1 line and wins a car. Then he gets 2 lines and wins €10,000. Then he gets a full house and wins the holiday of a lifetime for two. At the end of the round the bingo caller comes up to him and said, "You must be the luckiest man in the world! You have just won a car, €10,000, and the holiday of a lifetime in just one game."
"I'm not that lucky" replied the man. "I've got B55."
The bingo callers face turnes to shock and he says, "You lucky b**tard! You've won the raffle as well!"

:lol:

Lord Kagan

30 Oct 2007, 22:50

http://media.mlxxfc.net/alcohol-f.png

Hypnobabe

04 Nov 2007, 00:21

This was posted (very briefly) on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too).

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Title:
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......

4. Serial Number: ...............................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (Iraq)

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
(Indicate all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION,
Marketing Department Military,
Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly-sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

mszee

07 Nov 2007, 15:07

http://media.mlxxfc.net/Wedding Invite.jpg

mjbo

10 Nov 2007, 14:45

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled,
"Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!" :lol:

AndyK

23 Nov 2007, 12:22

Apparently Tom-Tom have withdrawn all their Sat Nav systems from sale due to a fault with their mapping systems, England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland cannot now be found in Europe.

sexyeyes_jo

29 Nov 2007, 17:03

How do you know Santas a man?

1. He turns up late
2. Drinks your booze
3. Emptys his sac
4. Only cums once
5. And f*cks off before you wake

LucyK!

29 Nov 2007, 18:55

Love the wedding invitation! :lol:

mjbo

08 Dec 2007, 19:51

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an Organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, 'he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting To
revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string Right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what. That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." :-)

mjbo

08 Dec 2007, 19:55

A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department.

The health department said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
:lol:

mszee

13 Dec 2007, 23:26

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. It's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

mszee

14 Dec 2007, 14:31

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road....

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Monstro

18 Dec 2007, 00:22

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

SW31

18 Dec 2007, 01:14

seem to hav herd that somewhere before lol

mjbo

29 Dec 2007, 22:35

Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the Patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from South Carolina, got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

mjbo

02 Jan 2008, 19:45

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch.

Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Well...," starts the pirate, "...we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well...," said the pirate, "...that was my first day with the hook."

mjbo

19 Jan 2008, 19:28

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where in tarnation have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck,
even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause,

then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

mjbo

19 Jan 2008, 19:33

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?" asked the other cowboy.

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!" replied the first cowboy.

"So, how'd you get away?" asked the other cowboy.

"The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over," replied the first cowboy.

"Man, that's scary! If it'd been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place," remarked the second cowboy.

The first cowboy replied, "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"

Hypnobabe

19 Jan 2008, 23:24

A sadist, a masochist, a pyromaniac, a necrophiliac, a zoophile and a murderer are sitting together in the mental institution.

"Let's have sex with the cat!" says the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it!" says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it!" says the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again!" says the necrophiliac.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with again and then set fire to it!" says the pyromaniac.

There is a short pause, and then the masochist says "meeow...."

mszee

20 Jan 2008, 23:33

mszee

20 Jan 2008, 23:58

This is very politically incorrect, so I'm apologizing up front if anyone is offended.

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, how messy the island is, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done, go shopping, and get back to her cat.

Diane

22 Jan 2008, 00:29

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb. 'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight ba *stard?!'

duke knooby

24 Jan 2008, 23:18

copied from "the sun" sent in by marc kantor..

I was driving to work yesterday, when I didn't notice the car in front, and ended up going into the back of it.
I went to speak to the driver and a dwarf got out.
I said to him "you alright mate?"
"I'm not happy," he said
"which one are you then?" I asked.

mjbo

27 Jan 2008, 11:14

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways.
He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him:

"What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy,
"I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

SteinLoaf

28 Jan 2008, 22:13

blame my son for this -

What d'ya get if you cross a darlek with a dog?

A really p*ssed off postman!!!

10-yr-old humor at it's finest hehehhee

Hypnobabe

29 Jan 2008, 22:35

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple now everyone is happy

mjbo

02 Feb 2008, 17:43

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are in a bar when the bartender tells them about a magic mirror in the ladies' room. "Apparently," he says, "the mirror gives rewards if you stare into it and say something true. But if you lie, you're sucked into the mirror and never heard from again."

So the redhead goes to the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in this bar." A million dollars suddenly appears before her.

Then the brunette heads into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the smartest woman in this bar." The key to a new Ferrari materializes in her fingers.

Then the blonde goes in, looks into the mirror, and begins, "I think…" And she's sucked in and never heard from again.

The Flying Mouse

07 Feb 2008, 19:28

:twisted: Guy - Would you sleep with me for a million pound?

Girl - Sure, a million pounds is a lot of money.

Guy - Would you sleep with me for five pounds?

Girl - What?
Sleep with you for five pounds?
That's nothing.
What do you think I am?

Guy - I believe we've established what you are, we are merely trying to fix the price :mrgreen:

sexyeyes_jo

08 Feb 2008, 17:13

If your husband is running around
the garden screaming and covered
in blood don't panic! stay calm......... simply
reload, aim and shoot the b*stard again

13 Feb 2008, 20:13

How do you get 50 fat cows in to a shed?
Write 'BINGO' on the door.

mszee

20 Feb 2008, 04:36

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'

sexyeyes_jo

28 Feb 2008, 20:49

3 men lie dead in a morgue,
A frenchman
A scotsman
and an irshman
all with smiles on their faces.
Coroner asks "why are they smiling?"
porter says
1st was a frenchman who died f*cking his mistress.
2nd was a scotsman.He won the lotto and spent it
all on whiskey. He died p*ssed and happy.
3rd was a paddy. He was struck by lighting!"
"Thats not good, whys he smiling?"
says the coroner.
"He thought he was
having his picture taken

Battybarb

28 Feb 2008, 22:26

Jo you keep nicking my jokes :bump:

MeatGrl1

03 Mar 2008, 05:07

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing !

Naff I know, so sue me :p !!! :lol:

Benny

03 Mar 2008, 14:52

Emma that was poor!;)
But I won't sue :))

mjbo

03 Mar 2008, 18:52

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. He says, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

Later he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Yes," she responds, "but it won't do you any good."

After a few drinks, he decides to ask her to his apartment. Again, she replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

In his apartment he turns to her and says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She replies, "Ohhhhh, THAT'S a different story!! Bring her on out!!!"

mjbo

03 Mar 2008, 18:56

A Frenchman( or an Irishman Living in France), an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe.
As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.

The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman?? Says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

mjbo

10 Mar 2008, 21:58

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

mszee

17 Mar 2008, 15:25

RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , DC 20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam .

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
• I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
• I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas . The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
• With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas .
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS :
• I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union . During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America .
• I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
• I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
• With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States , after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

• I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
• I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
• I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
• I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
• In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.
• I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.
• My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
• I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
• I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.
• My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
• I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
• I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
• I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
• I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.
• I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.
• I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
• I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
• I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
• I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
• I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
• I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
• I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.
• I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
• In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
• I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
• I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
• I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
• All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.