A Letter To Your Pets!!

shadow1000001 · 17 Feb 2004, 04:03

For everyone who loves their pets. I hope you get a good laugh out of this.

Maria

My Dear Dogs and Cats,

I have a few issues I'd like to bring to your attention:

When I say to move, it means go some place else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine and feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other animals' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain about Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Thank you.

Keep Rocking · 17 Feb 2004, 06:58

You know my cats, don't you?!

Ageing Bat · 17 Feb 2004, 09:05

Oh, absolutely brilliant!

So, when did you come to stay at my house? You have my dogs and cat well sussed! Especially the stairs and the toilet bit - I really don't know how we all fit in there sometimes! (gave up trying to preserve the paint on the other side).

Can I add to this?.....

When Mummy and Daddy are getting friendly in bed, it is not compulsory to jump up and bounce around too...... nor is it very friendly to curl your lip at Daddy - he's not hurting Mummy.

And, I would find it much easier to tie my laces without your nose or to tongue in my ear!

YOFFIE · 17 Feb 2004, 09:14

You seem to have been peeking in my house as well!!

Two cats and I seem to have the smallest bit of the sofa and wake up ,in a king size bed, pinned down by strategically placed feline bodies.

[RDH]draconia · 17 Feb 2004, 21:39

oh yes i like it

if you ever get a book about cats just get this one

its by terry pratchett

it does explain a lot about cats like cat chess

georgy7856 · 17 Feb 2004, 21:54

another one to add to the list : :) if it is a snowstorm outside and i ask you nicely to go out the back door to the back garden instead of going for a long walk i can assure you it is really snowing out the front as well as the back

in fact it is heavy snow or really wetter rain out the front :)

[RDH]draconia · 17 Feb 2004, 21:58

the best/worse thing about cats is

no matter what side of the door they are on

they are on the wrong side

Kitty Kat · 17 Feb 2004, 22:05

another one for the list: Henry - when I have a bath it is not necessary for you to put your paws on the bath side and stare at me. MOST UNNERVING

airhead · 19 Feb 2004, 02:13

Have you ben peeking through my curtains?

My dear old doggy and two cats like to do that. My dog sulks and has a habit of laying on top of the stairs especially when i have a henry hoover in my hand.

my dog likes to watch me eat the cat is senile (seriously) and the others a bundle of nerves.

RSG · 19 Feb 2004, 07:59

Shadow, Every line was BRILL, thanks for sharing (Brilliant)

Neko, my cat, he is always in for races down the hallway,

And he is the furriest little thing.

17 Feb 2004, 04:03	#1
shadow1000001 Mega Loafer Join Date: 10.07.2003 Location: Red Deer, Alberta, Canada Posts: 2,580	A Letter To Your Pets!! For everyone who loves their pets. I hope you get a good laugh out of this. Maria My Dear Dogs and Cats, I have a few issues I'd like to bring to your attention: When I say to move, it means go some place else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine and feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other animals' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain about Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. Thank you.

17 Feb 2004, 06:58	#2
Keep Rocking Super Loafer Join Date: 06.11.2003 Location: Sitting on the steps outside, looking so restless and reckless and lost! Posts: 820	You know my cats, don't you?!

17 Feb 2004, 09:05	#3
Ageing Bat Young at heart. Slightly older in other places. Join Date: 20.11.2003 Location: Here! Posts: 1,311	Oh, absolutely brilliant! So, when did you come to stay at my house? You have my dogs and cat well sussed! Especially the stairs and the toilet bit - I really don't know how we all fit in there sometimes! (gave up trying to preserve the paint on the other side). Can I add to this?..... When Mummy and Daddy are getting friendly in bed, it is not compulsory to jump up and bounce around too...... nor is it very friendly to curl your lip at Daddy - he's not hurting Mummy. And, I would find it much easier to tie my laces without your nose or to tongue in my ear!

17 Feb 2004, 09:14	#4
YOFFIE Rookie Join Date: 26.11.2003 Location: Maidenhead, england Posts: 24	You seem to have been peeking in my house as well!! Two cats and I seem to have the smallest bit of the sofa and wake up ,in a king size bed, pinned down by strategically placed feline bodies.

17 Feb 2004, 21:39	#5
[RDH]draconia Super Loafer Join Date: 29.10.2003 Location: wickford,essex,england Posts: 374	oh yes i like it if you ever get a book about cats just get this one its by terry pratchett it does explain a lot about cats like cat chess

17 Feb 2004, 21:54	#6
georgy7856 Super Loafer Join Date: 25.05.2003 Location: in scotland hiding in my attic Posts: 238	another one to add to the list : :) if it is a snowstorm outside and i ask you nicely to go out the back door to the back garden instead of going for a long walk i can assure you it is really snowing out the front as well as the back in fact it is heavy snow or really wetter rain out the front :)

17 Feb 2004, 21:58	#7
[RDH]draconia Super Loafer Join Date: 29.10.2003 Location: wickford,essex,england Posts: 374	the best/worse thing about cats is no matter what side of the door they are on they are on the wrong side

17 Feb 2004, 22:05	#8
Kitty Kat Senior Loafer Join Date: 03.09.2003 Location: West Yorkshire, UK Posts: 198	another one for the list: Henry - when I have a bath it is not necessary for you to put your paws on the bath side and stare at me. MOST UNNERVING

19 Feb 2004, 02:13	#9
airhead the enchanted spleen Join Date: 12.02.2004 Location: ok, you see that sweet little cottage? I live next door in the nuthouse. Posts: 1,909	Have you ben peeking through my curtains? My dear old doggy and two cats like to do that. My dog sulks and has a habit of laying on top of the stairs especially when i have a henry hoover in my hand. my dog likes to watch me eat the cat is senile (seriously) and the others a bundle of nerves.

19 Feb 2004, 07:59	#10
RSG Mega Loafer Join Date: 27.07.2003 Location: Canada Posts: 3,296	Shadow, Every line was BRILL, thanks for sharing (Brilliant) Neko, my cat, he is always in for races down the hallway, And he is the furriest little thing.