Classified Ads

MBrevard · 26 Jun 2003, 07:57

POORLY WORDED ADS:

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an exra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale - eight puppies from a German Sheperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetary. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Love,
MB
xxx

mariella · 26 Jun 2003, 08:05

Hi MB,

Thank you once again. I don't know where you find all this, but I enjoy reading it!

Hope you are okay, thanks for making me laugh!

Love,

Mariella

dottie · 26 Jun 2003, 11:42

Love it MB u brighten my day

Testify · 26 Jun 2003, 11:58

MBrevard · 26 Jun 2003, 12:04

Ahhh, guys--you brighten mine, as well!!

Here's a few more things I've found....

The Importance Of Correct Punctuation when writing an AD:

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

And punctuation isn't the only thing that can make a difference, when writing:

Here's a Letter From Home:

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Love,
MB
xxx

MBrevard · 27 Jun 2003, 10:35

Classified Ads are not the only place one has to be careful about one's writing.

The following quotes are ACTUAL statements found on Insurance Forms, where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words:

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed for the embankment.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble, when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
The telephone poll was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Love,
MB
xxx

heat · 27 Jun 2003, 15:59

Love it!!!!

Asha · 27 Jun 2003, 21:48

Thx MB,
Asha

MBrevard · 28 Jun 2003, 11:07

Here are a few more classified ads.

Love,
MB
xxx

mariella · 28 Jun 2003, 11:15

Thank you, MB!

Love the first one specially, ... get paid when we get back

Great day to you,

Mariella

26 Jun 2003, 07:57	#1
MBrevard Super Loafer Join Date: 06.02.2003 Location: Deceased Posts: 761	Classified Ads POORLY WORDED ADS: 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an exra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale - eight puppies from a German Sheperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetary. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. Love, MB xxx

27 Jun 2003, 10:35	#6
MBrevard Super Loafer Join Date: 06.02.2003 Location: Deceased Posts: 761	Classified Ads are not the only place one has to be careful about one's writing. The following quotes are ACTUAL statements found on Insurance Forms, where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words: Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed for the embankment. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I saw a slow-moving sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble, when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. The telephone poll was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. Love, MB xxx

26 Jun 2003, 08:05	#2
mariella Mega Loafer Join Date: 04.02.2003 Location: Holland Posts: 4,063	Hi MB, Thank you once again. I don't know where you find all this, but I enjoy reading it! Hope you are okay, thanks for making me laugh! Love, Mariella

26 Jun 2003, 11:42	#3
dottie queen post- whore extraordinaire Join Date: 29.01.2003 Location: Still Rockin' at "72" Posts: 13,181	Love it MB u brighten my day

26 Jun 2003, 11:58	#4
Testify ragamuffin Join Date: 21.05.2003 Location: xxx daydreaming xxx Posts: 5,023

26 Jun 2003, 12:04	#5
MBrevard Super Loafer Join Date: 06.02.2003 Location: Deceased Posts: 761	Ahhh, guys--you brighten mine, as well!! Here's a few more things I've found.... *The Importance Of Correct Punctuation when writing an AD:* Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria *And punctuation isn't the only thing that can make a difference, when writing:* Here's a Letter From Home: $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad Love, MB xxx

27 Jun 2003, 15:59	#7
heat Rampant Loafer... Join Date: 29.07.2002 Location: welshy wales Posts: 5,706	Love it!!!!

27 Jun 2003, 21:48	#8
Asha Mega Loafer Join Date: 05.05.2003 Location: Somewhere out there Posts: 1,356	Thx MB, Asha

28 Jun 2003, 11:07	#9
MBrevard Super Loafer Join Date: 06.02.2003 Location: Deceased Posts: 761	Here are a few more classified ads. Love, MB xxx

28 Jun 2003, 11:15	#10
mariella Mega Loafer Join Date: 04.02.2003 Location: Holland Posts: 4,063	Thank you, MB! Love the first one specially, ... get paid when we get back Great day to you, Mariella