opinions needed on this storty i wrote in english.

Fallen Angel · 30 Sep 2005, 22:26

Fallen Angel
Ever known someone who’s gone from being a law-abiding girl to a complete and utter real live version of hells top angel? No?
Well I have. Let’s go back a few years and watch the story unfold.

Woodstock 1979, year of the biggest rock festival New York State had ever seen. A festival that was meant to be the biggest news of the year. However, something even bigger happened it was bigger than Kennedy getting shot and even bigger than Jack the Ripper in England. In my opinion anyway.

Angel Edmonds, my best mate all the way through junior high and high school was a lovely kid. With a nice complexion, blue eyes and flowing blonde locks she was a hit with the guys too. Anytime you needed a hand “Angel” as we called her was there for you no matter what the situation. Put it this way…you could even stop her in the middle of a shopping precinct and she’d try and help you. Now how many girls will do that?

Let’s get on with the story shall we?
1979 “Angel’s” 21st year. “Angel” had always been a charitable girl and this year was no exception. At the end of the previous year we both started working on a charity project for Professor Michael’s Social Studies class. The project was the only fun part for me! “Angel” decided we’d do a fun run through the town. So, at the end of term we got the names of all the contestants and organised the event. It went great! We raised loads and had a laugh.

Anybody in his or her right mind would know that “Angel” wouldn’t do anything to hurt anyone, she wouldn’t even kill, a fly. However, on May 3rd 1979 I got the worst phone call at 9am I had ever had. “Angel” had phoned and said “Les, look at the front page of U.S Daily”!

My mom had just bought the paper so in a spot of “panic” I grabbed the paper.
“College Student Kills Man at Woodstock Fest.”!
I read the story. It didn’t add up…Angel wouldn’t hurt anyone. Would she?
Mom’s face was like a picture which hadn’t been coloured in yet. Putting on a sombre face I quietly went upstairs. As soon as I got to the security of my room I smirked as I was the only one that knew the full story. “The papers have got it all wrong” I said to myself. “How stupid can they be”?

As time went on Angel had to drop out of college as the endless slagging off of the other students became too much for her. She even stopped organising and taking part in charity events. That shows how bad things were getting for her. I, on the other hand, was enjoying the freedom and knowing that I was free from trouble. Or was I?

At the end of July Angel suddenly disappeared. Every one thought she had just run off some of us didn’t worry about her as she was twenty-one. However, the rest of her friends and her family were getting really worried about her. I started to panic though- with Angel out of the picture I couldn’t stay safe for forever. I went home to find mom sitting at the kitchen table looking very confused.

“What’s up”? I asked. She just looked at me blankly and handed me a printout from some weird site which held the details of all executions carried out in the state since 1958. I asked mom what it was. “Just read” came the reply. I read aloud “Angela Edmonds. Born: May6th 1958” I got freaked out as I read the printout. It turned out that Angela Edmonds known as “Angel” by her friends and family was executed on July 28th charged with first degree murder. (How is that possible?)

I panicked big time, my best mate didn’t exist and I was left to pick up the pieces. There was only one person who knew who killed that man at the Woodstock fest.

As you read this that person is now sitting in a death row cell waiting for the bell to toll. In two hours she’ll be dead.
Executed by electrocution.
That person, if you figured it out is the one telling you the story…me. Leslie Fraser.
As I said sweet girl turned monster!
Before I leave, a word of advice: don’t be fooled by what meets the eye as appearances can be deceiving. Oh, and always check that your friends actually exist and aren’t just in your head.

Ageing Bat · 02 Oct 2005, 21:26

I like the essay content, although the grammar could do with a little work to make the whole thing not only read better, but also put the anticipation in the right places. You'll then find it's far more exciting to read and not so 'all in one breath'. I'm not too sure about putting inverted commas around Angel's name - the use of inverted commas in this context is to emphasise a word or phrase, which takes the emphasis away from the sentances that need it.

In a nutshell, you don't need to change a single word of what you have written, you just need to read it through as if you were speaking it, taking notice of where you would naturally pause for breath, where you would raise your voice, or quicken your pace.

Er, I presume you did mean you wanted constructive criticism? Not just heaps of praise?

Fallen Angel · 02 Oct 2005, 22:42

any type of opinion is valid: especially constructive criticism!!! thanks.

30 Sep 2005, 22:26	#1
Fallen Angel Youth Gone Wild Join Date: 19.09.2003 Location: See the mad one over there.... Posts: 693	opinions needed on this storty i wrote in english. Fallen Angel Ever known someone who’s gone from being a law-abiding girl to a complete and utter real live version of hells top angel? No? Well I have. Let’s go back a few years and watch the story unfold. Woodstock 1979, year of the biggest rock festival New York State had ever seen. A festival that was meant to be the biggest news of the year. However, something even bigger happened it was bigger than Kennedy getting shot and even bigger than Jack the Ripper in England. In my opinion anyway. Angel Edmonds, my best mate all the way through junior high and high school was a lovely kid. With a nice complexion, blue eyes and flowing blonde locks she was a hit with the guys too. Anytime you needed a hand “Angel” as we called her was there for you no matter what the situation. Put it this way…you could even stop her in the middle of a shopping precinct and she’d try and help you. Now how many girls will do that? Let’s get on with the story shall we? 1979 “Angel’s” 21st year. “Angel” had always been a charitable girl and this year was no exception. At the end of the previous year we both started working on a charity project for Professor Michael’s Social Studies class. The project was the only fun part for me! “Angel” decided we’d do a fun run through the town. So, at the end of term we got the names of all the contestants and organised the event. It went great! We raised loads and had a laugh. Anybody in his or her right mind would know that “Angel” wouldn’t do anything to hurt anyone, she wouldn’t even kill, a fly. However, on May 3rd 1979 I got the worst phone call at 9am I had ever had. “Angel” had phoned and said “Les, look at the front page of U.S Daily”! My mom had just bought the paper so in a spot of “panic” I grabbed the paper. “College Student Kills Man at Woodstock Fest.”! I read the story. It didn’t add up…Angel wouldn’t hurt anyone. Would she? Mom’s face was like a picture which hadn’t been coloured in yet. Putting on a sombre face I quietly went upstairs. As soon as I got to the security of my room I smirked as I was the only one that knew the full story. “The papers have got it all wrong” I said to myself. “How stupid can they be”? As time went on Angel had to drop out of college as the endless slagging off of the other students became too much for her. She even stopped organising and taking part in charity events. That shows how bad things were getting for her. I, on the other hand, was enjoying the freedom and knowing that I was free from trouble. Or was I? At the end of July Angel suddenly disappeared. Every one thought she had just run off some of us didn’t worry about her as she was twenty-one. However, the rest of her friends and her family were getting really worried about her. I started to panic though- with Angel out of the picture I couldn’t stay safe for forever. I went home to find mom sitting at the kitchen table looking very confused. “What’s up”? I asked. She just looked at me blankly and handed me a printout from some weird site which held the details of all executions carried out in the state since 1958. I asked mom what it was. “Just read” came the reply. I read aloud “Angela Edmonds. Born: May6th 1958” I got freaked out as I read the printout. It turned out that Angela Edmonds known as “Angel” by her friends and family was executed on July 28th charged with first degree murder. (How is that possible?) I panicked big time, my best mate didn’t exist and I was left to pick up the pieces. There was only one person who knew who killed that man at the Woodstock fest. As you read this that person is now sitting in a death row cell waiting for the bell to toll. In two hours she’ll be dead. Executed by electrocution. That person, if you figured it out is the one telling you the story…me. Leslie Fraser. As I said sweet girl turned monster! Before I leave, a word of advice: don’t be fooled by what meets the eye as appearances can be deceiving. Oh, and always check that your friends actually exist and aren’t just in your head.

02 Oct 2005, 21:26	#2
Ageing Bat Young at heart. Slightly older in other places. Join Date: 20.11.2003 Location: Here! Posts: 1,311	I like the essay content, although the grammar could do with a little work to make the whole thing not only read better, but also put the anticipation in the right places. You'll then find it's far more exciting to read and not so 'all in one breath'. I'm not too sure about putting inverted commas around Angel's name - the use of inverted commas in this context is to emphasise a word or phrase, which takes the emphasis away from the sentances that need it. In a nutshell, you don't need to change a single word of what you have written, you just need to read it through as if you were speaking it, taking notice of where you would naturally pause for breath, where you would raise your voice, or quicken your pace. Er, I presume you did mean you wanted constructive criticism? Not just heaps of praise?

02 Oct 2005, 22:42	#3
Fallen Angel Youth Gone Wild Join Date: 19.09.2003 Location: See the mad one over there.... Posts: 693	any type of opinion is valid: especially constructive criticism!!! thanks.