Quotes of the day ....
 

What profoundly stupid or hilarious things have you heard people say today?


"See, I was right apart from everything"

being one the best I've heard so far today :lmao:

:twisted: "I can't hit a 20 today with a wet hankie" :wtf:

Said by Dinky, one of our pub regulars, while I was having a game of darts with him.

in a pub this afternoon, the next table:

"How's your little one doing? How old is he now? 5, 6?"
"He just turned 30"

"This is one hell of a scenic view!"

:heart: Jack - Black Top :heart:

LMFAO

I think the thread was meant to mean quotes from 'real' people and not ones off the telly, otherwise we'll end up with a movie quotes thread :roll: "talk to me goose"

Some woman - "How old is your baby?"
Me - "Two and a half months"
Some woman - "Is that 10 weeks?" :shock:

Pud :twisted:

Me: So Steve isn't here today - does it mean he bought that house?

My boss: I hope so...he is moving in today...

not really a quote, but someone told me today they've been to the animal shelter, and there was a black sex-doll sitting next to one cage fully clothed. Person from the shelter shall have said they found it the other night and clothed it to make it attract less attention from the visitors....

I read this somewhere else ... :lawl:

This is unbelievable...I reckon this is the first time I was quoted...and by the big boss himself!!!!WOW!!!

From this morning's marathon service review meeting ..

We're actively doing nothing about that issue.

Wasn't today but was on a benefit form a client filled in........

"I know I'm suicidal as I've killed myself fourteen times"

At a BBQ at some friends today.

My mate "so what's that shitty smell?"
Me "it's shit mate, you've just stood in some"

Pud :twisted:

From big unnamed American Corporation:

One Group: We need this system built as soon as possible

Second Group: We need requirements to know what is it that you want us to build.

One Group: We can't give it to you - it's proprietory information...

This has been going on for over 4 years now...the system isn't built yet...

Me: Do you offer a fax service?
ShopKeeper: Yes
Me: How much is it please?
SK: 10p per page
Me: OK, can I send 5 pages please?
SK: No, the lad who works where who knows how to work the machine doesn't work Mondays.

My four year old son, Charlie: "What's the time mummy?"

Me: "it's dinner time"

Charlie: "No it isn't, dinner's not a number"

at the hospital:

doc: has there ever been cases of diabetes in your family?
my father: no, except for my mother in her last years
doc: Is your mother part of your family?

Not recently, but...

My mate Angie to her then three year old niece Emily: "Look Emily, there's a bird!"

Emily: "Actually, it's a jackdaw... but it's LIKE a bird..."

Talk about being put firmly in your place... :lmao:

Ohh I was talking about Jackdaws on Friday - are they not birds??!?! I'm concerned that a three year old knows the answer to this!

I thought they were birds! I know I have my moments but I knew I couldn't be that wrong :lol:

I've been reliably informed that they like shiney things, so why I didn't know that I don't know, they're one of my kind! :p

Are you sure you're not bonde? :wtf:

She's a malteser ...

PMSL, love that expression (and so true)!!!!

What is a malteser?

Gotcha...make me one too...

Is it something like our Milk Duds?

Ohh how did I know the Malteser thing would end up on the forum! :p

This is something that I overheard a few weeks ago which I'm going to use to generalise teenagers from Hartlepool...

A girl I know was dyeing some fabric with various ratios of water to dye, and so she had to make the dyes and log the ratios used for each. So she recorded that she'd used one teaspoon of dye...and proceeded to find a tape measure to measure how much water she'd used :shock:

This is the same girl who is about to start a degree in Costume Design and Production and asked "What are cuffs?"

Cuffs? Luce...did you just open yet another can of worms??? :lmao:

whats in this juice?
Oh, some exotic fruits, plums and stuff.

According to the weather report on my local news just now, we're going to have scatty showers tomorrow :shock:

A bit late, I know, but from the walk to Wembley on May 23rd...

Me: Who's that?

Someone else who may have been Samcat (apologies if it wasn't!!!): That's Bap, but you many not recognise him as he isn't dressed as a daffodil.

~~~~~~ off you ~~~~~~~, ~~~~~~ off :))

Hangs head in shame yes that was me!! I've never met such a lovely person but every time i looked at him i saw a dafffodil!!

ok, heres another one:

Me to Jonty about frilled shirts:

"I wear them because it looks cool, not to attract gay people.....like you"

that comment went a different direction than I expected.

^^^^^^^^^
he made that up completely... probably dreamt it

Quote of the day...

'It's not you... it's me'

:roll::evil:

Oh thats a classic line!!

me, after some card tricks by our very own Flying Mouse:

"Now if only you could sing you'd be an all-round entertainer!" :p

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

like you did in the subway station? :lmao:

Oh I remember that one...was damn funny...:lmao:

I wont post the stupidest thing I ever said the three days, no, not me, I wont. :nope::silence:

But SamCat knows what it was. At the bar, remember? :oops:

Sorry again, you know it wasnt meant as it sounded Em! :oops::oops::oops:

There was what i thought was a fabulous quote on Radio 2 this lunchtime.

The debate was about Animal Rights Terrorists and suchlike when a woman rang up:

"Some time ago i was on a duck shoot with some friends when an animal rights chap came running along shouting "Why are you killing innocent ducks?" Quick as a flash the gamekeeper shouted back "Because they are a right ~~~~~~ to get in the oven live.":lol::lol:

And just to prove it i've had to sit here for 5 mins thinking really hard before i remembered it!!!

See....that's what happens when you hit 40 lol

Like you dont know!!

:silence:

:lmao: I'd be careful if I were you Michael ... there's a certain quote from a certain someone that hasn't made the forum yet :twisted:

Oh go on... do tell...

You could fill a thread all by itself with the stupid things I've said lol

Great idea for a thread...

Stupid things that Monstro said...PMSL

You manage that on your own mate :lmao:

This one is a classic though ... and has a picture to accompany it ...

Oh come on now, Andy...post it...

I'm waiting till the time is right .. and unitil I've sorted my photo's

:(

I know there is somewhere a great photo of me and Michael...but nobody is brave enough to post it on the forum...

You who has that photo knows who you're and which photo I am talking about...could you at least e-mail it to me?

I know which photo, in fact there's a series of five photo's, the fourth being the one you're interested in......................at the moment the only way it'll get posted is through me. To quote Andy "I'll wait til the time is right" lol

*Laughs and laughs*

FIVE????????????????????????????????????

From WHERE? Thought there is only one in existence...was I THAT drunk??? :oops:

And the right time would be???

There is no time like now...

Michael...you're an absolute star!!! Just thought I'd mention it...

Today's quote of the day?

From This Morning...

Garden expert to Phillip Schofield:

You've got a flaming sword (plant), haven't you?

Phillip Schofield:

Yes, but Dr Chris has given me some ointment for it...

Love it :lol:

Two thirty this morning and my flatmate comes in front door.........

Anji - That your flatmate?
Me - Bloody hope so

heard an expression from behind me in the cinema tonite, After Harry and Dumbledore were vindicated, Harry said "now do you believe me"?

All i could hear a row behind was.......... NUMBNUT....................very funny over a quiet cinema.

Heard from the kitchen moments ago ...

"What else goes in Mango Chicken? ... Ohhhh Mango"

Best drop hints about the chicken bit as well lol

That was second out of the fridge ... even the spinach was remembered this time :lmao:

Whilst watching the news headlines about the floods we got to discussing how we would cope in terms of eating and drinking if we didn't have water...we realised that we'd probably be ok because we could still cook our main meat-based meals, but we wouldn't be able to do rice, pasta or noodles with them...

BUT! Never fear!! When the floods come and we don't have water...Andy's going to cook boil-in-the-bag rice :shock: :lmao:

I just knew from the look on your face as soon as I said it that this woul dbe coming back to haunt me ... still at least I can rest easy knowing that the whole concept of this thread wasn't based on my sayings :))

Person at work (Loudly) - "I'm doing under cover work!" (I work in a shop)
Me - "Trish-" (her name is Trish...)
Person at work (Loudly again) - "Shhh, not now, you'll give me up!"
Me - "Well you may want to hide your name badge!"
Person at work - "Oh..."

There's a T Shirt for the next meet up in the making!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's always the "Meat's length" comment m8, I've been saving that one lol

I have a question...

When the Meat sings...and I would do anything for love...but I won't do that...what does THAT mean??? :shock:

From a guy that used to work with my mother regarding Meat Loaf-

"There are four bat out of hell CD's" and continued insisting that he was right,

and then-

"Meat Loaf is English, right?"

No offence guys!

In this instance, "That" could be substituted with "Screwing Around" (but I suppose it wouldn't rhyme?!!)

Two quotes from Married with children that I watched on DVD today...

1)

Al: Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May.
Peggy: Well you'll thank me in December.
Al: Only if you leave me in November.

2)

Marcy: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.

Al: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals.

You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain.

Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth

My housemate April:

"Sex must be easier for lesbians cos they can get aids"

I swear, she meant toys.

the songs do not work unless i've built a character, meat loaf

"I am not your monkey!" April again

(april sounds amazingly funny)

Lol, she just comes out with the best random stuff. One of the reasons why I love her.

OK then, just to mix it up a little...

"To speak ironically - your mum!" my friend Catherine when she was stuck for what to say.

To my housemate Shaun during an arguement:

"Stop talking to me with that face!"

Seen on a T-shirt this afternoon:

Good girls are just bad girls who haven't been caught...

Also seen on t-shirts:

Sarcasm is one of the services I gladly provide.

If I gave a sh*t, you will be the first one I would give it to

Today is not your day...tomorrow doesn't look good either...

As we're onto T-shirts, one of my favourite T-shirt sites (T-shirthell.com - extremely offensive t-shirts also appear on this site - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!) has one for small babies that says "all mummy wanted was a backrub", and another version that says "all daddy wanted was a bl**j**" (but without the stars!!!)

:lmao: Love it! Completelty inappropriate for a baby but I love it! :lol: :up:

saw a great t-shirt today that says:

I'm very proud of myself'

and no i wasn't wearing it at the time.

Life's a bitch and then you die

Hope that when my Hockey jersey and American Footbal Jersey
come through from .net that they sneak past customs! :(

Oh and I also hope that my passport arrives tomorrow cause I'm meant to be
flying to Madrid at 5 O'Clock!

My boyfriend says "Life's a bitch and then you marry one"!! Which maybe i should worry about!!

Hmmm I hope my other half doesn't read that, he has enough preconcieved ideas about me as it is lately :lmao:

From my personalized Google homepage:

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
- Jackie Mason

"Principle Skinner and Miss Krabapple were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies ....... and the Baby looked at me"

- Ralph Wiggum

a member of the audience at my gig tonight:

"There's only TWO Meat Loafs!" :D

Life goes by fast

My friends dad said to me, "Stop looking at me with that tone of voice!"

I wasn't sleeping, I was having a nap!

That's my Grandad's signature line!

Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Franklin P. Jones

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it is a little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow".

[SamCat] 00:45: How many online lovers does RJ have?
[sexyeyes_jo] 00:45: i will make sure he does greg

im not asleep im just resting my eyes

Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours?

children should be seen and not heard