Jokes

[Testify]

Does anybody on here have any decent jokes??

[R.]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the woman and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a
better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married."

The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own fvckin blanket."

[dottie]

Fabulous R. Love that womens attitude

me picture disappeared again

[Testify]

thats cool!!

[heat]

Whats brown and sticky???













A stick.....

[dottie]

Originally Posted by heat

Whats brown and sticky???edit that quick













A stick.....

[R.]

Hehehe ... good one.

[original sin]

Heat not the elephant one please

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?

Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards

[R.]

[Chris]

What do the donkeys in Blackpool have for lunch?


Half an hour!!!

[MBrevard]

Well, I don't know if I'd call this one "decent"...

In a small town in medieval Europe a poor peasant earned his living by carting loads of goods for people. But after many years, his old horse died, and the peasant was in despair. He went to his priest, who said, "Never mind, all will be well. Just come with me."

"Oh, can it be so easy?" asked the peasant.

"Yes," said the priest, "just come up the hill with me."

So they walked up the hill to the baron's estate and right into his magnificent stables. There was a splendid array of horses. The priest said, "Take your pick."

"What?" said the peasant, "That would be stealing from the baron!"

"Never mind, everything will be all right. Take your pick."

So the peasant chose a splendid draft horse and lead it down the hill. The priest, meanwhile, went into the horse's stall and fell fast asleep.

An hour or so later, the baron came to the estate and decided to look over his horses. He was amazed to see the priest sleeping on the straw in one of the stalls.

"Father! Father!" he said, waking the priest up. "What are you doing sleeping in my horse's stall?"

The priest looked bewildered, and then sat up, exclaiming, "A miracle! I must have been forgiven!"

"What do you mean?" said the baron.

"I will explain," said the priest. "When I was a young priest, I used to hear the confessions of a very attractive young woman, and, well, one thing led to another and, we, uh, well, you know what happened."

"Yes, yes," said the baron, "but why are you sleeping in my horse's stall?"

"Because God punished me," said the priest, "and reincarnated me as a horse, a beast of burden. But now, here I am a man again! Oh, what a miracle! God is good!"

The baron was amazed and bid farewell to the priest, who walked down the hill with a glad expression on his face.

Meanwhile, the poor peasant was happy, doing well with his splendid new beast. One morning, a week later, the baron came down into town and saw the peaasant carting a load. The horse somehow looked familiar. The baron stopped the peasant, who was now trembling. He saw his own brand on the horse. He examined the horse's teeth. Yes, there was no doubt. It was his horse.

The baron backed off a bit, looked severely at the animal, and said, "Well, Father, I see you've been at it again."


Well, I told you I didn't know if it was decent!!!

Have a great day, friends!

Love,
MB
xxx

[Testify]

hehe

[MBrevard]

Sorry, Testify! Here's another bad one for you.

Mrs. Grace, Mrs. Rock, and Mrs. Powell were invited to visit the beautiful new Hollywood home of Mrs. Kelly. Mrs. Kelly took special pains to tell her friends to look around carefully when they went to the bathroom upstairs.
Mrs. Grace finally excused herself and visited the bathroom. She came down a bit tardily and in a state of excitement, saying, "My dears, when I sat down it played Beethoven!"

Mrs. Rock then felt the need and hurried to the second floor. She returned all glowing, saying, "I sat down and it played The Unfinished Symphony."

Mrs. Powell was last. She didn't come down, however. After fifteen minutes had passed, Mrs. Kelly grew worried and went upstairs. There was Mrs Powell on the floor wiping it up.

"What happened?" gasped Mrs. Kelly.

"Just my luck," said Mrs. Powell. "When I sat down, it played the Star-Spangled Banner."



Love,
MB
xxx

[Chris]

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage
Loaded in the limo (and his Holiness doesn't travel light),
the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, " says the Pope, "They
never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really
like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my
job! and what if something should happen?" protests
the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly
regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme
Pontiff
floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!!" pleads the
worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal
to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm
gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window
as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one
look at him, and goes back to his motorcycle and get
on the radio. "I need to talk with the Chief," he
says to the dispatcher.

The chief gets on the radio and the cop tells
him that he's stopped a limo going 105.

"So bust him," said the chief.

" I don't think we want to do that; he's
really important," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"BIGGER!"

"Well," said the chief, "who is it?"

"I think it's God!!"

"What makes you think it's God?"

"He's got the Pope driving for him!!"

[Chris]

This guy is driving along (in his Smart) when he sees a sign saying "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution 50yards" so he thinks Nuns, thats different, I'll have to go and see what it's like. So he pulls up outside a large building and rings the bell. The door is opened by a Mother Superior who says "Welcome to the Sisters Of Mercy House of Prostitutes" and leads him down a long corridor. At the end she hands him over to another nun who leads him to a door. She tells him that the charge is £50 which he hands over and is then told to walk through the door.

He opens the door and steps through and finds himself back in the car park in front of a small sign which reads....

"Go in peace for you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy!"

[Chris]

This guy walks into a pub with is mates and is really depressed. "My girlfriends having an affair and I don't know what to do. I just feel like killing them or something!"

"'ere" says his mate "I know a fella who does that sort of thing, calls himself Artie. I'll get him to contact you."

So Artie gets in touch with the guy and agrees to kill the girl and her boss at the supermarket who she is screwing. But he needs paying 5 grand for each one. Well, the fella goes through his pockets and has only got a quid so Artie says he will take that as a deposit.

The following day he sneaks up on them at the supermarket and strangles them to death but before he can escape he is arrested by the police.

The headlines in the following days papers read:

"Artie Chokes 2 for a pound at Sainsbury's"

[Testify]

heehee

well thats brightened my day!

[tukayaway]

This is a long 'un and only those in the UK will get it:

Every day on the confectionery counter, the little m&m's used to get bullied and beaten up by the Malteasers. A wise old Kinder Egg said to them that the Galaxy Minstrels offered a protection agency.

The poor little m&m's spoke to the Minstrels and asked for help. The Minstrels agreed and sat next to the m&m's. The Malteasers never tried to harm them again.

The m&m's started to get a little cocky about having their own protection and the other sweets began to get jealous. The others had a meeting to decide what to do and voted that the Lockets were strong enough to teach them a lesson.

Sure enough, the day came where the Lockets beat the m&m's to within an inch of their lives. The confused m&m's asked the Minstrels why they didn't step in and help. The Minstrels said "We may be crazy, but they're Methol!"



I once had a teacher wet herself after that. I don't know what was funnier!?

[Wild_Honey]

What Is Politics?


Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure, son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

Father: "Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s**t."

[Shane]

Two men, one rich and one poor, were discussing what they had bought their wives for Christmas.

The rich man says "I've bought my wife a Porsche and a ring".

"Why is that?", says the poor man.

"Well", says the rich man, "if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive into town in the Porsche and exchange it for another".

"Mmm, I see", says the poor man.

"Now", says the rich man, "what did you buy your wife for Christmas?".

"I bought her a pair of slippers, and a dildo", the poor man replies.

"And why is that?", says the rich man.

"Well", says the poor man, "if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*** herself!".

[dottie]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far

A blonde bird pushes her Punto into a gas station. She tells the mechanic "It died". After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idlingly smoothly. She says "What's the story?" He replies "Just crap in the carburettor" She says "How often do I have to do that?"

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in thier bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old "I think it's about time we started swearing". The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me ok?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiam. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh s..t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and ask with a stern voice "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your F.....g life it won't be Coco Pops".

and finally....
You gotta love a good beer slogan......
The latest Becks Beer advert in Scotland (displayed in pubs etc) is as follows:-
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE POSH TO SWALLOW BECKS

[cerysmeatloaf]

nice one dottie heres one

A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught
the natives, was how to speak English,
so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree. "
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock
and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock. "
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results
when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

[MBrevard]

Here's a golf joke in honor of Meat!!

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning, and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"



Love,
MB
xxx

[Testify]

v v good!!

[Chris]

3 women died and were taken to Heaven where St Michael was sat at the gates knitting M&S sweaters (it was St Peters day Off!) He said to the ladies, OK you can come in but you mustn't step on any ducks.

So they walked into Heaven adn the place was full of ducks. One woman was so surprised at this that she stepped backwards and stood on a duck. Without saying a word St Michael came up to her nad chained a really ugly man to her adn then walked up.

Well, the second woman was laughing so mucha t this that she too managed to step on a duck. St Michael walked up and without saying a word, chained a really ugly man to her before walking off.

All of a sudden St. Michael walked up to the 3rd woman and chained a drop-dead gorgeous chap to her. She looked at this perfect man adn said "What did I do to be rewarded with being chained to you?"

"I don't know "said the chap "But I stepped on a duck"