[shadow1000001]

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it so I said "Implants?". She hit me.

5. I live in my own little world but that's ok. They know me here.

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. There are two sides to every divorce. Yours and shitheads.

8. I am nobody, and nobody is perfect, therefore, I am perfect.

9. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

10. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

11. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"