Hi, friends. Well, we're getting down to the wire now, aren't we!
Thanks, everyone, for the great responses today. Eyeore, since you feel that way, you're certainly in the right place!
Vicki, WONDERFUL news about the store. I hope and pray it all works out for you and your parents!! Testify--so nice to see you here and I, too, LOVE the new avatar!! Mariella, Cathie, Jen, Maria--thank you for helping to make this thread a special one for Meat and for us all. (I have no idea when to begin looking for CHSIB in the charts, but it's only been since Tuesday, so I would imagine it probably wouldn't be any earlier than this weekend or early next week, perhaps???)
Hope everyone will all be able to stop by on Meat's birthday to join in the fun and festivities!!
Well, today it's my turn to share some of my Meaty experiences and why I feel the way I do. And, of course, my birthday wishes. Sorry that it's taken me so long to put it all together. It was hard to put my feelings into words.
I apologize in advance because I know this post will be long. It is not a story I can tell in just a paragraph or two. So, for those of you who do not like long messages, please skip on down to the "surprise of the day," if you wish. I will not be insulted in the least! These are things I HAVE to say and I HAVE to say them THIS YEAR! (That will become clearer in a few minutes, I hope.)
I have to go back a bit, before I can move forward. So a little history: A few of you already know most of this. But many of you do not.
Those of you who have read some of my earlier posts, have heard me say that I have lived an insular life, fairly isolated, especially in the last several years.
The reason for this is that I am an Agoraphobic and have been for most, if not all, of my life, as my mother was before me. For those of you who have not heard that term, I suffer from an extreme form of Panic Disorder (they also refer to it as "Social Anxiety" these days).
Growing up was rough--on many counts--but on this subject, no one ever told me what I had. I just grew up being incredibly shy and aloof, feeling alone and a bit freakish, I suppose. A lot of kids grow up that way for various reasons. So, I know that some of you will understand what I'm trying to say here. We can even look at Meat and what he went through in his childhood! Life is not easy for a child who is 'different' in some way...
I don't know if you've ever seen any movies, read any books or known anyone in your lives who have had this problem where it reached a point where they could not leave their home, because of overwhelming fear. They become what is referred to as "housebound."
Well, friends, I have been housebound many times over the years. This last time, it went on so long that I actually believed I was never going to leave my home again. I was just going to live and die there. And that was it. I was in my house without leaving for EIGHT LONG YEARS!! This is not something I normally discuss in a public forum. I do talk about it privately, sometimes. But, it's never easy to admit all this.
And I realize that it's probably hard for most of you to imagine this kind of life. And that's okay. Maybe it's better that way. This is the way my life is and I have always tried to make the best of it.
But, even after giving up hope of ever leaving, after all those years, I did manage, somehow, to fight my way out of my house. I reached a point where I could, with the help of some medication, both natural and prescriptive, once again, go into some stores--do some shopping for my family, so that I didn't feel totally useless in this world. : roll : It was still an incredibly limited life--I couldn't go too far from my home and I couldn't do very much, but at least there were times when I was out...
I have come to the conclusion over the years, that being an Agoraphobic is a little like being an Alcoholic, in that it is something you have to fight every single day of your life. Some days are just a little easier than others. But it is a constant struggle. If you have fears of your own that you have fought in the past, then perhaps, you can imagine what it is like having to do that every single time you are about to walk out your front door. It's not an easy life. Certainly not one I would wish on anyone else. But I fully realize there are a lot of people who have it much worse than I because of things they are going through!!
Okay. So, that gives you a little background about myself. Now, Meat has come and gone from my life over the years, from the time he first got started. I would find him, then lose him for a while, then find him again.
Well, about 3 years ago or so, he magically came back into my life, along with all this glorious music--just at a time, as with many of you--when I needed them both desperately. I was going through a really bad patch, trying to fix up our home to sell it, so that we could get another home big enough to move my parents in with us to take care of them for the rest of their lives. And if something could go wrong, it did!! Between all of the problems with the fix-up and contemplating leaving the house I had been in for 25 years permanently, I'm sure that if I hadn't had Meat and the music in my life then, I would have either totally lost my mind or slit my wrists or something desperate. That, also, isn't easy to admit. But it's true. From the stories that have already been shared here, and all the others we have read throughout the net, I know that enough of you have had the same experience--that Meat and the songs have helped you through terrible times--and you will understand this.
And so, since that time, Meat has continued to be an important part of my life. The music played in my home every day. Every single day. It made life seem better--or at least, bearable.
I never believed I would ever get to see him perform live. He hadn't been to my area of the country since 1996. And I knew that even if he were to come here, because of the severity of my Panic Disorder, I probably couldn't go. So, I started collecting everything 'live' that I could get my hands on. That's where some of the items I have been sharing with you this week have come from. I had a 'need' to see him or hear him perform and this was the only way that I could find to fulfill that need.
Then, last year, I found out that he was going to be doing two concerts in Northern California. Neither of them was particularly close to where I live. The first one was 2 1/2 hours from my home and the second was about 4 1/2 hours away--farther than I had been in more years than I cared to think about.
But I wanted--no, NEEDED--desperately to see him, if there was any way that I could. And so, I took a deep, deep breath and we bought tickets to both events.
I didn't know if I could do this. I didn't know, if, on the day, I would even be able to walk out my front door. And even if I did manage to make it to the venue, I didn't know if I'd be able to stay. I didn't know if I would be able to tolerate the excitement, the noises, the crush of people. And I could just picture myself, in the middle of the concert, getting a Panic Attack and running, screaming down the aisle--"Let me outta here!!!" (People with this problem think strangely. Sorry. It goes along with the personality, I'm sorry to say.
) But I was SO scared, friends!! And yet, I wanted it so badly....
Anyway, I'd better move this story along or I'll never get to where I want to go. It had been 20 years or more since I had been to ANY concert of any kind. But with the help of medication to keep me calm, and Meat's music, playing on the car's stereo system, I DID make it to both concerts!! And what glorious experiences they were! I couldn't believe I was there and Meat was up on stage singing his heart out and the band was so wonderful... These are moments that I will hold close to my heart forever!!!! I know you all will understand that and feel the same way about the ML concerts YOU have experienced in the past!!
And so, afterwards, we came back home. I was SO proud for having accomplished this much. It was truly a HUGE step for me. And for a while, I felt a bit better about my life, and then, gradually, life went back to the way it had been.Thank heavens for this forum and you wonderful people here whom I've been fortunate enough to have met and gotten to know in the past year. You've helped to make a 'limited' life much more bearable, in having people one has something in common with to talk to!
But I was Meat-hungry after that. I wanted to see him again and prayed that he'd be coming back my way. I know I'm not saying anything here that each of you doesn't already understand. You can't just see Meat once or twice and have that be enough! You want to see him again!!!!!!!!!!! It's like my collecting the audios and videos--you can't just listen or watch ONE of them. You need to hear or see them ALL!!!!! Right??
And so, you can imagine my delight, when I saw that he was coming back to both the venues I had been to the year before. I had the confidence, since I had already been there, that I could get there again. But in addition, there were 6 other California/Nevada concerts that were possibilities, if I could gather up enough courage to try to get to them!
Of course, by this time, life had gotten more complicated with my parents now with us, plus our 5 dogs to look after. I'll tell ya, good parent-sitters are a LOT harder to find than good babysitters and many of you know how difficult THAT is!! So, it wasn't a matter of just picking up and going, even if I did decide to try.
Again, to move this belabored story along, we did get tickets for all 8 concerts. We made all the arrangements for the problems at home. And then, as you all know, a few days before the first concert was to happen, Meat went through his surgery. So, it and the next one in San Diego, were both cancelled, much to our sorrow--not only about missing the show, but also to hear what he had just gone through!!!
So, plans were put off again for a little while. We were left with 6 concerts, which were to fall in a 2 1/2 week period. And we made plans to be away for that entire time!! I can't even remember the last time I had been away from my house for so long! You see, this was quite an adventure--one that filled me with both excitement and terror.
The next concert was scheduled for Los Angeles. It had been 20 years or more since I had been that far into Southern California. It's about an 8-hour drive from my home. I had no idea if I could do this. The 4 1/2 hours to Kelseyville the year before had been enough of a challenge--to sit there and not scream...
But we did it! We made it there and went to the Universal Amphitheatre, where we thoroughly enjoyed both Cyndi and Meat and the band!
The next stop was Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. It had been 28 years since we had last been there and to be honest, I thought I'd never see that town again. That was a 5 or 6 hour drive from LA. And we made it.
It was a VERY long drive next from Vegas all the way up to Reno--about 9 or 10 hours up some backroads on the eastern slopes of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. I guess it had been many years since the last time we had gone to Reno for a few days.
A day or two later, we were off to Kelseyville, a 3 or 4 hour drive. And I was looking forward to coming back to one of the venues where I had had such a good time the year before. We made it there, but sadly, as you read in a thread I posted at the time, the audience immediately around us was so horrible, that it interferred with our ability to enjoy the show. But still, we were there! In the second row center, so close to Meat we could see the sweat on his upper lip. 'Miracles' were happening to me every day!
And then, once again, we had the long trek down south, as the next show was to be in Lancaster, CA. That was a part of California neither of us had been through before, and it was a good 10-hour drive from Kelseyville, through the Tehachapie Mountains, past "The World's Largest Wind Farm". What a ride! Then, as you know, Meat had to cancel that show because he had throat problems. We quickly left Lancaster and headed for our final destination--Anaheim, to get ready for the next night's concert there. But, sadly, that show was also cancelled.
So, to try to cheer me up, since I was so sad about missing the last two concerts, as I had missed my first two, we spent the next couple of days at Disneyland, a place we had not been for well over 20 years. I had given up ever seeing that again, too! It wasn't like seeing Meat, of course, but we had some fun.
And then we came home. When we got back, we figured out that we had travelled nearly 2500 MILES--we couldn't believe it! We ended up going to more venues than Meat did!!
And you know, friends, this time, I did it without one bit of medication--just Meat's music playing in the car!! And that, plus the desire and need to see him, got me through the rough, uncomfortable moments in the car and to each of our destinations!!
And while we were there, I did things that I had not done in years. We went to a movie theatre. That may not sound like anything to you, but I had not been able to sit in one, without panicking for more years than I want to admit!! I went on rides at Disneyland. We went to an IMAX movie, where they 'strap' you into your seat so you can't fall out, something that would have been so confining and so terrifying for me before that I could never had done it. I went to places and did things that I thought I would NEVER do again!!
And since we've been back home, we have continued to be active, when we can, under our particular circumstances. We just got back from another short trip to Reno, for instance--again with no medication, just the music to keep us going.
How can I describe to you what that kind of freedom is like after so many years of being confined?? I can't. I feel alive again--sort of like coming back from the dead, if that makes sense. And that's as close as I can come.
I have no illusions. It's still a daily struggle. But each successful outing makes the next one a little easier, and that is a kind of freedom that is more precious than anything you can imagine.
I could cry a million tears that would overflow my computer and fall through your monitors and flood your rooms and still, it would not be enough to share the depth of my feelings here or my gratitude for a life that has been changed, I believe, for the better!
And how do I say thank-you to the man who has helped me so far along my path?? How do ANY of us say thanks for the things that have happened to us because Meat is a part of our lives??
He didn't set out to do any of these things, you know? This was not his purpose for performing or recording. And yet, time and time again, we hear about something magical happening to someone because of him.
So, I guess, if I ever had the chance to speak with Meat, when he was feeling down or discouraged about something, I would say to him with great certainty that the things he has done all these years--all the music and performing--as well as the acting and the films--leave him and go out into the world, where they do more good than he could possibly imagine!!!
And my wish, for his birthday, is one I have made before. It is actually my continuing wish for him: That the pleasure, the excitement, the joy and the laughter his talent creates in the world should come back to him and bless his life a thousandfold!!
Meat, if you're out there, then please know how very, very proud we are of you and what you have done so far in your life and in your career!! And we look forward to seeing what lies in your future, knowing that it also lies in ours.
Here's wishing you the very best of Birthdays. Much health and happiness to you now and always!!!
And a big thank-you to all of YOU who managed to make it through this long post. I hope you can understand now, why I HAD to say these things this year!! I feel like I've been reborn into a brand new world. And that's the kind of joy one needs to share with friends and thank those who helped to make it happen!!
But now, since you've all been so very patient with me today:
It's CountDown to B-day and only:
ONE DAY TO GO!!
I have something VERY special for you today and I'm so excited to share it with you. Some of you will have already seen it, I know. There are some of you who have seen more than I can ever hope to!! But I think, even if that's the case, you'll enjoy seeing this again!!
Thank you again, friends. Please keep adding your Meaty stories and birthday wishes to the thread!! Meat's special day is nearly upon us!!
Take good care.
Love and peace to each and every one of you!
MB
xxx