Drinking Probs
 

The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
================================

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Sympton: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You're at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC!!


:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

How come you know me so well




Rosie

:oops: Oh god...some of these are soooooo familliar........ :oops:

i know what you mean Heat. :oops: :wink: :lmao:

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

someone been reading my diary? :?

Poster in my son's room I went in there in July



Beer helping ugly people have sex since 1892!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Rosie

:oops: This sounds like most of my early 20's :oops:
:lmao: :lmao:


Maria

:lol: :lmao: :lol: :lmao:

http://images.picsearch.com/is?944102998487

Always, always have plenty to eat when your drinking, and then try to identify it :lol:

Thank you Dottie!! Yes I am eating at the moment!!!!!

I am worried as I recognise way way too many of these!!!

been there, done that, got the t'shirt and the tattoo..
I don't have a drinking problem - I drink, get drunk,
fall over No problem. :D :D

Kitty kat,

I think anyone who hsa ever been in Halifax's Coliseum and Maine Street has done the drunk adn falling down bit!!!!

I must admit to one drunken problem!! There is a guy in Halifax has a sausage stall and is known locally as Salmonella Sam!!! For the Terry Pratchett fans, he is the original C.M.O.T. Dibbler. He does Sausages ina bun that you woul dhave trouble feeding a dog when sober, But by 'eck do they taste nice when inebriated!!!!

Thought I'd better post this as a warning to you youngsters out there:

In 1996 Roy and I went to Ibiza, after spending an evening drinking tequila, we returned to our hotel, arrived safely, but the lift was out of order, so we decided to take the stairs, didn't have much choice really,
slipped about 10 stairs up, grabbed bannister, pulled Roy down and myself to the bottom of the stairs, fractured my wrist in two places, concussion, and severe bruising. Roy had a fractured elbow, deep gash on head and severe bruising again.

Since that day I have never drunk to excess but just enough to feel merry, too scared that it might happen again :lol:

That's a very good warning Dottie. It's too bad that you had to experience it in such a painful way :D


Maria

And all the other clubs in Halifax - too numerous to mention. I must admit that it was quite a long time ago for me - I now have trouble staying awake after midnight. The original party pooper.

Your Salmonella Sams sausages, very nice on the way down but not so good on the way back up!!! :roll: :roll:

We were talking about this at work this afternoon and we found someone who had once eaten one when sober!!!! Apparently they taste disgusting!!!!

This is bringing back so many memories of drunken nights up town I may have to hit the Acapulco and then Zoo bar on saturday night!!!!!!!

OK, am I the only one who eats kebabs when they're sober?

I never have lettuce or tomatoes or chilli sauce though, it's got enough calories as it is. :lol:

No. :))

My worst drink related story happened quite a long time ago. I had been out with friends for the evening and the only recollection I had on waking up the next morningh was walking down the garden path. When I finally arose from my pit horror horror I couldn't find any of my clothes. I searched the house including the inside of the washing machine. I looked under the bed and in the linen basket. In all other bedrooms in the house - result no clothes. I rang my friends and there memories were just as bad as mine. Leter in the day when I went to make my bed Eureka i found them all. Every item of clothing had been folded up and put inside the pillow case including a pair of three inch high stilleto heel shoes (for those of you old enough to remember them) and I had slept on them all night. It's right what they say - no sense no feeling. :oops: :oops:

Nope :)

Hic...........Yummy kebabs :bunny: