mlukfc.com Forums - Beer drinker's trouble shooting guide

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points to ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog. Complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless. Front of shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to restroom. Practice in front of mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear.
Fault: It's water. Your friends are trying to sober you up.
Action: Find a new set of friends.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Not knowing who you fought with, apologize to everyone.

Symptom: Don't recognise anyone. Don't recognise the room.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Drink more until your voice improves.