hayley
13 Aug 2006, 20:16
Bit of a long read but worth it :lmao:
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat the process.
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3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away the soggy pill.
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4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push the pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
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5. Try to remove pill from bottom of goldfish tank and get cat off top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
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6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Roll pill down wooden ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
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7. Retrieve cat from top of curtains and get another pill from the foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth setting one aside to glue later.
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8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
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9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans and drink a glass of milk to get rid of the taste. Apply Band-Aids to spouse's forearm and remove blood stains from carpet with cold water.
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10. Retrieve Cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck and leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
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11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
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12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree. Apologise to neighbour's who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid fleeing cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
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13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to dining room table leg. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from gardening shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
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14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and removes chunks of pill from eye. Stop at furniture shop on the way home and choose a new table.
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15. Call ISPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they carry hamsters.
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How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
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How to Wash a CAT!
1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
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2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
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3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
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4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
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5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire. . . the cat barely notices you anyway.
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6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion .shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock . locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than hell.
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7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
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8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
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9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
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10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat . reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
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11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
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12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
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13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat the process.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away the soggy pill.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push the pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Try to remove pill from bottom of goldfish tank and get cat off top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Roll pill down wooden ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Retrieve cat from top of curtains and get another pill from the foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth setting one aside to glue later.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans and drink a glass of milk to get rid of the taste. Apply Band-Aids to spouse's forearm and remove blood stains from carpet with cold water.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Retrieve Cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck and leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree. Apologise to neighbour's who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid fleeing cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to dining room table leg. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from gardening shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and removes chunks of pill from eye. Stop at furniture shop on the way home and choose a new table.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. Call ISPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they carry hamsters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to Wash a CAT!
1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire. . . the cat barely notices you anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion .shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock . locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than hell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat . reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.