Jokes [Archive] - Page 4 - mlukfc.com Forums

mszee

25 Mar 2008, 22:51

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.

He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

mszee

26 Mar 2008, 03:08

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

allrevvedup

17 Apr 2008, 17:34

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for Church
ladies
with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or
were announced in church services

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you..

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help
they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will
follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person
you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

angelica

17 Apr 2008, 23:29

Cathie

17 Apr 2008, 23:45

That had me giggling out loud, think there were a few raised eyebrows pointing in my direction...:shock:

mjbo

18 Apr 2008, 09:55

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

:lol::lol:

mjbo

19 Apr 2008, 20:29

One day a little girl (3 years old!) was at home with her Daddy while her Mammy was in the shops. She was playing with a little 'tea set' that was one of her favourite toys.

Her Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mammy came home.

Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch the little girl bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mammy waited, and sure enough, here she came, down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

Hypnobabe

12 May 2008, 11:49

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

John Sampson, Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?

P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

D Evans, London .

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

Stalker, Bournemouth .

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.

A Woodward, Sheffield .

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

J Morgan, Wigan .

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Tim Wakefield, Surrey .

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.

Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.

The shame will always be with us.

George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

B Bollockbrain, Braintree .

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

M Duckworth, Poole .

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard, Hull .

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

Danny King, Balham

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

K Libretto, Welling

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy

'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

D Antarctica , Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer

I'm a terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

Raymond Winky

Cathie

12 May 2008, 22:06

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

If they start giving out incentives and benefits to nurses with OCD I may retrain. ;) must be easier than this writing malarky that I do. I think I must have an OCD paradox though cos I do all the handwashing but I'm still really messy. Go figure.

SamCat

25 Jun 2008, 22:00

One winter's morning a husband and wife in Aberdeen were listening to
the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, 'We are
going to have 6 or 7 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get
through.'

So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, again, the radio
announcer said, 'We are expecting 7 or 8 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowploughs can get through.' The good wife again went out and moved
her car.

The next week, again during breakfast, the radio announcer says, 'We
are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park............'
then the electric power went off. The wife was very upset, and with a

worried look on her face she said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do
now. Which side of the street do I need to park so that the
snowploughs can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?

meatloaf-unofficial

09 Jul 2008, 18:59

I don't know if these have been posted becuase I haven't had time to read all 31 pages... but here goes:

A boy decides he wants to buy a TV for his room, so he goes out and gets a weekend job. After a coupe of weeks, one saturday he goes out and buys one. That night he lies on his bed and switches on and watches.

His dad comes up stairs and he says " Dad, whats love juice?" and his dad replies with "Oh god, time for the whole Sex talk"

After half an hour, he finsihes explaining and his sons eyes at this time are bulging and he says to his son " What programme are you watching?" and he says "Wimbledon!"

mjbo

09 Jul 2008, 19:48

Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells,

"I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did.

When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound.

When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep.

But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said,

'Should we take them with us or eat them here?'

I couldn't keep quiet any more!" :yikes:

snowy

09 Jul 2008, 22:29

Heard yesterday -

'How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1 2 2 1 1 2 2 2 1 2

13 Aug 2008, 19:36

I dont't care who your father is, but you will not - I repeat - you will not walk on the water while I'm fishing here! :bicker:

mszee

23 Aug 2008, 05:59

Best Surgeon in Texas

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"

mszee

23 Aug 2008, 06:04

This joke would have been so much funnier if it wasn't true...:(

mjbo

27 Aug 2008, 12:46

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me.

I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,

I'm going to lose my house as well.

Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery!

I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God,

Why have you forsaken me?

I've lost my business, my house, and my car.

My children are starving.

I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with me on this.... Buy a ticket.

The Flying Mouse

28 Aug 2008, 16:47

:twisted: Three men, Tom, Dick, and Harry, die and go to heaven.

"OK" says St Peter, "this is how it works.You'll get a car each to drive around in heaven forever more, but that car will reflect how you lived your life on earth.
Now, Tom, you were a very bad man on earth.You cheated on your poor wife over 1000 times.In condemnation of this fact, you will drive a Lada forever".

Tom is given his Lada and he drives off into heaven.

"Now, Dick" continues St Peter, "you cheated on your wife on no fewer than 462 times during your marriage, as this is so, you are to drive a Skoda until t5he end of time".

Dick, behind the wheel of his Skoda, joins the motorway into heaven.

"Now, Harry" St Peter says with a kindly smile, "you were a very good man on earth.You never cheated on your wife in all the years you knew each other, not even looking at another woman even once in all that time.
In recognition of your love and loyalty, i'm delighted to give you the keys to this.........."

With that, a revolving door (a bit like the one from bullseye) rotates and Harry is faced with a brand new, top of the line, Rolls Royce with all the extras.

Understandably, Harry is over the moon, and he jumps into his new car and speeds toward heaven shouting his thanks over his shoulder.

For months Harry drives around receiving envious glances and beaming with all the attention he's getting.

Then, one day while at traffic lights, the three friends find themselves parked next to each other.Harry is leaning on the steering wheel bawling his eyes out.

"Harry, is everything alright?" shouts Tom from his Lada.

Bawling, Harry shakes his head.

"What's the matter?" calls Dick from his Skoda.

To which Harry replies............

"I've just seen my wife go past on a skateboard".

mszee

29 Aug 2008, 01:51

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

mjbo

30 Aug 2008, 15:25

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

mjbo

30 Aug 2008, 15:27

A Department of Water Resources inspector stopped at a rural farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water Inspector said, ' Look Mister, I have the authority of the Provincial Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself quite clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Inspector running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Water Inspector with every step who was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out ..... 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!' :-)

05 Sep 2008, 20:34

George W.Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here' says the Devil. 'You're on my list but I have no room for you! You definitely have to stay here though, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go and you can take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George reluctantly agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In there was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over, gasping for air, such was his fate in hell.

'No!' George said, 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time, and more rocks appeared.

'No! I've got this problem with my back. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented George.

The devil then opened the third door. In it was Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms and legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best!

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I could handle this!'

The devil smiled and said ....'Monica, you're free to go!'

mszee

10 Sep 2008, 03:40

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris, could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole.'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass.'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd
in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

The Flying Mouse

10 Sep 2008, 11:16

:twisted: :lmao:

mszee

16 Sep 2008, 01:05

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

http://media.mlxxfc.net/resume.JPG

Employer's response:

Dear Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.

~Helen~

16 Sep 2008, 12:16

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, Find the owner, Apologize,
And see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
Its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked,"
Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, Sir. We're sorry about that," The husband replied.

"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm A Genie,
And I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, But if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last One for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" The husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," Said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, Healthy life!

And now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country In the world," She said.
Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe
From fire, Burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," The couple asked in unison,
"What's your wish, Genie?"
"Well, Since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
Woman in more than a thousand years, My wish is to have sex with your Wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey,
you know we both now have a fortune, And all those houses.
What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
You're right. Considering our good fortune,
I guess I wouldn't mind, But what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," Said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
The afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, The genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still
Believe in genies?!!"

daveake

16 Sep 2008, 12:23

A young boy falls out of a tree, breaking both arms, one leg and ends up in a coma. After four months his parents are sitting at his bedside when the consultant comes in looking very serious. He takes them aside and says "I'm afraid to have to tell you that you should prepare yourself for the worse". The mother collapses in tears and sobs "Oh God, no!! Don't tell me Westlife have offered to sing him a song!!".

The Flying Mouse

16 Sep 2008, 18:34

:twisted: A couple are settled in one night when an escaped criminal bursts into their home.
After overpowering them both, he ties them tightly to a pair of chairs.

After stalking round the house to make sure all exits are blocked he goes and speaks quietly in the womans ear.She then whispers back to him.
The criminal strides off in the direction of the bathroom.

The husband says.........

"Jane, we don't have much time so just listen.This guy means business.He's been locked up in jail for god knows how long and probably hasn't even SEEN a woman in years.
Now, he's probably going to want to have sex with you.
If you resist he'll most likely slit my throat, kill you, and escape to find some other poor victim, so please, for us, let him have his way with you.
Be strong hunni, I love you".

To which she replies.........

"actually Brian, when he whispered in my ear he told me that he's been in solitary confinement for the past 12 years as he can't be integrated with the other prisoners because of his mania for homosexual rape.
He then told me he REALLY fancies you and asked if there was any baby oil in the house, I told him in the bathroom, first cupboard on the left, middle shelf, he's gone to get it now.
Be strong hunni, I love you very much too".

mszee

17 Sep 2008, 05:14

Heroic Firefighters

A massive fire broke out when a diesel truck flipped over and exploded. The firecrew was called and everyone waited anxiously because there wasn't much money put into the firefighting program and most of the fighters were green.

Everyone was surprised to see the fire engine hauling ass, blowing past everyone, and driving straight through the flames. The truck stopped on the other side of the scene and extinguished the fire.

The story made headlines with "Heroic Firefighters" and the governer came and said that he would award money to their station. "What are you planning to do with the money?" he asked.

One of the firefighters shook his head and said, "Well, first things first so we'll fix those damn brakes!"

The Flying Mouse

18 Sep 2008, 21:00

:twisted: This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,
tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and
I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,
and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.' :doh:

Cathie

18 Sep 2008, 22:57

Yuck :shock:

Monstro

19 Sep 2008, 02:44

Jeez, for Mousey that was quite funny lol

mszee

21 Sep 2008, 08:50

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

duke knooby

22 Sep 2008, 19:58

last week my friend swallowed an extractor fan.

he'll be ok, but it took alot out of him

allrevvedup

23 Sep 2008, 09:07

last week my friend swallowed an extractor fan.

he'll be ok, but it took alot out of him

Tumbleweed anyone?

JanT

24 Sep 2008, 20:45

... But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.' :doh:

ROFLMAO

duke knooby

01 Oct 2008, 00:00

scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point contain intelligent dna............

unfortunately, 95% of them will spit it out!!!!

allrevvedup

01 Oct 2008, 10:31

that is terrible...but funny!

daveake

01 Oct 2008, 10:57

A blonde and a brunette are in a lift, next to a bloke who clearly has dandruff problems. Bloke leaves, then the brunette turns to the blonde and says "Someone should give that guy Head 'n' Shoulders". Blonde ponders for a moment then says "OK, but how do you give 'shoulders'?".

Dave

duke knooby

03 Oct 2008, 14:27

whats worse than a bull in a china shop????

a hedgehog in a condom factory

duke knooby

07 Oct 2008, 18:07

whats the most stupid animal in the jungle???????

a polar bear!!

duke knooby

07 Oct 2008, 18:10

whats long and hard and makes women groan????

an ironing board

samurai7

07 Oct 2008, 18:11

mszee

11 Oct 2008, 00:15

Wal Mart Applicant revealed...
Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in California . They hired him because he was funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old ~~~~~~~)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they
tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

mszee

11 Oct 2008, 00:18

MARKET TERMINOLOGY
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS From Bubba Barnsfarter - CBO*

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

*Chief Bullshit Officer.... Every company has at least one, Government has many.

Monstro

30 Oct 2008, 11:26

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it
well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's
sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
their conversation and, having a chuckle he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just
keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows
them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't
know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back
on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret
is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse
me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence.'

mszee

30 Oct 2008, 13:04

:lmao:

mszee

30 Oct 2008, 23:09

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' I'll have the same,'
says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be £9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man. 'Yep! Same,'
says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be £24.60.'
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket everytime?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

mszee

05 Nov 2008, 00:38

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Aministration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

allrevvedup

05 Nov 2008, 18:48

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling club.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?'

'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday

mszee

08 Nov 2008, 05:30

http://media.mlxxfc.net/1052395_1.gif

snowy

10 Nov 2008, 22:01

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS :lol:

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once ------- by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed too qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced three times.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said . 'We may not have 45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed..
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,'Take the poison..'

snowy

10 Nov 2008, 22:02

funny blonde joke -

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on
the door.The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her
and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again
catches up .

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some
of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues
down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns
green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he
says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a f**king gritter

allrevvedup

18 Nov 2008, 19:44

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 1st November 2008

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 2nd November 2008

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------

FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2008

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA
Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and
Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.

Pauline.
Note : A Pay Increase Of £10.00 for all employees as requested by the
union to accomodate gift exchnage is not acceptable.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------- ----------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2008

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed
to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each
will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the
gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no
cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low
fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste
the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the
restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2008

RE: The F******* Holiday Party.

Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so
quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 9th November 2008

RE: Pauline and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John
Note: Pls avoid reference of Vegetarian , Hanukah , Ramadan , Alcoholics
Anonymous , Weight Watchers etc in your get well soon cards as it might
delay her recovery.

mszee

18 Nov 2008, 20:25

Mike, this is classic...my entire office is laughing here...

mszee

21 Nov 2008, 00:17

Proof

Proof that Jesus was...

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink.

...Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
for him to do.

mszee

22 Nov 2008, 01:35

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins ......

mszee

22 Nov 2008, 23:17

Are Computers Male or Female?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.

Wario

22 Nov 2008, 23:56

Whats it called when two Ticks mate?

Incest

daveake

29 Nov 2008, 12:34

Security concerns have been raised following reports that the perimeter fencing at Knowsley Safari Park is falling into disrepair and there are no funds available to replace it. When asked about the consequences of a lion escaping and wandering around Merseyside, a park spokesman said, "Well, it would just have to try and defend itself the best it could".

mszee

01 Dec 2008, 04:19

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherrytree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

snowy

01 Dec 2008, 23:08

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

So true!!!!:(

(p**sed off teacher from north London)

mszee

07 Dec 2008, 00:39

Two hill-billies from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

mszee

07 Dec 2008, 00:40

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would
go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She
agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her hu sband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.'

mszee

08 Dec 2008, 00:57

Small World

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

mszee

13 Dec 2008, 23:37

They Walk Among Us...

People like these make you wonder how they actually survive in this world of ours!

A K-Mart check out clerk rang up $46.64. I gave her a 50 bill. She gave
me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had
made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant & informed me she was
educated & knew what she was doing, & returned the money again. I gave
her the money back-same scenario & departed the store with the $46.64.

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already
buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She
Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them
shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and
said, 'Where'?

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that
stuff.'

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

I couldn't find my airport luggage, so I went to the lost luggage office
and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and
told me not to worry because she was a trained professional & I was in
good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

While working at a pizza parlor I heard a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone. The cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6 He thought about it before responding. 'Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

At a southern fast food restaurant, I ordered a hamburger and French
fries. The young lady taking orders informed that they had no hamburgers
or French fries. I replied that the other customers were being served
hamburgers and French fries. She looked at me quizzically and replied
'those are BURGERS AND FRIES!'

TheyWalk Among Us, they Reproduce, and Worst of all ...THEY VOTED.

mszee

13 Dec 2008, 23:40

Funny Warning Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

==========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

===========================

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)

=======================

On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================

On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

===========================

On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)

============================

On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)

==============================

On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)

==========================

On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)

===========================

On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

========================

On a Swedish chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

daveake

13 Dec 2008, 23:43

Police have admitted that they made a big, big mistake when they killed Jean Charles De Menezes.

They were actually after his naughty brother, Dennis.

angelica

13 Dec 2008, 23:48

Monstro

13 Dec 2008, 23:57

Police have admitted that they made a big, big mistake when they killed Jean Charles De Menezes.

They were actually after his naughty brother, Dennis.

Sick but that made me laugh out loud!!!!!!!!!

The Flying Mouse

16 Dec 2008, 17:26

:twisted: A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

"Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank...I just married his damn widow."

The Flying Mouse

16 Dec 2008, 17:43

:twisted: 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,”explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later….. “Da-ad….” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?” “No, You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later…… “Daaaa-aaaad…..” “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

Cathie

16 Dec 2008, 18:15

Classic :twisted:

mszee

21 Dec 2008, 00:20

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there the mother-in-law dies.

The local undertaker tell this guy, "You can have her shipped home for $10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $50.00."
The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to packer up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $50.00?".

The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

mszee

21 Dec 2008, 00:20

mjbo

25 Dec 2008, 00:17

A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barman says 'Certainly sir.
Would you like to enter our competition?'

The punter asks, 'What competition is that ?'

The barman explains that above his head are joints of beef, and that if he can jump up and hold onto one for 5 minutes he gets free beer all night long.

The bloke asks 'What if I can't hold onto one?', and the barman replies
'Then you have to buy beer for everyone else all night long.'

The punter shakes his head and says , 'No thanks mate, the steaks are
too high..............' :roll:

mszee

03 Jan 2009, 21:35

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

Hypnobabe

06 Jan 2009, 22:56

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young thing at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made, and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said, "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend..."

Hypnobabe

06 Jan 2009, 22:57

Six blokes go on a hunting trip. Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so
badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the
whole time, so they decided to take turns.

The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'

He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.'

The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his
eyes are bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look Awful!' He says,
'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and Watched him all night, I
couldn't sleep.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer;
a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and Bushy-tailed.

'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'

Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and Tucked Daryl into
bed and kissed him good night............................

Then he sat up and watched me."

dant796

07 Jan 2009, 01:35

Great Classifieds

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little ~~~~~~~. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $!00.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $50 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Hypnobabe

15 Jan 2009, 21:13

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave, and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied: 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,

'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening, and hollered with all his might, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read ...............

You'll like this

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Hypnobabe

15 Jan 2009, 21:33

It is often disputed that a dog is in fact man's best friend. Here's the proof.

Put your wife and your dog in the boot of your car and drive round for an hour.

Open the boot.

Which one is most pleased to see you?

daveake

16 Jan 2009, 08:57

Al Fayed wants to sign Ronaldo for Fulham.

Not for his footballing prowess, but to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in tunnels....

The Flying Mouse

20 Jan 2009, 22:16

:twisted: Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet! :bleh:

The Flying Mouse

20 Jan 2009, 22:24

:twisted: I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

The Flying Mouse

20 Jan 2009, 22:39

:twisted: An old man sends his son, who is in prison, a letter.

How are you?
I'm afraid i'm not too good myself.
This cold weather is playing merry hell with my artheritis, and my back is killing me.
I really wanted to replant my vegetable patch at my old alotment this year, but i'm afraid i'm just not up to it.

I just wish you were here as I know my troubles would all be over because you'd dig it for me.

I love you son.
Dad.

Charlie promptly sent a letter home to his old man.

Whatever you do, DON'T dig up that alotment.
It's where I buried those bodies and the cash haul from that armed robbery.

I'll get rid of them once I get out of here.
I love you dad.
Charlie.

The next day armed police swoop down on the old mans house.
The old man is bundled away to his alotment, and waits while the police dig up every inch off the ground looking for bodies and cash.

After a couple of hours digging without a single body or pound coin bering found, the disgusted inspector calls of the search and the police leave.

The next day the old man gets another letter.

Sorry I couldn't be there to help, but I sent some blokes over to give you a hand.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Go head and plant your veg now.
Love you dad.
Charlie

mszee

22 Jan 2009, 00:13

Husband Wife Humor

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife as ked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Saturday morning I got up earl y, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started.....

daveake

22 Jan 2009, 21:50

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

The Flying Mouse

22 Jan 2009, 22:00

:twisted: I was passing a news stand the other day and saw the headline........

GAZA
IN
CRISIS

I thought, he's not run out of vodka AGAIN has he? :shock:

Hey, easy mistake to make :shrug:

I'd always assumed the Gaza strip was something to do with a Newcastle United shirt.

mszee

24 Jan 2009, 05:19

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,The church organist,was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her
and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed
a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?',
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet
and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

daveake

24 Jan 2009, 10:47

News just in is that the engine failure that led to the airbus crash in the Hudson river was actually a terrorist action. Here are a couple of operatives quickly leaving the scene ...

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y68/Paulapuds/image11.jpg?t=1232731754

Dave

daveake

26 Jan 2009, 11:04

How To Understand Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Monstro

03 Feb 2009, 21:41

Bloke goes to the Dr's because everytime he masturbates he sings "you'll never walk alone", Dr told him not to worry, apparently loads of w****** sing that

daveake

03 Feb 2009, 22:00

And in other news ... (http://www.acapela.tv/good-old-times-bc3ea491ca5a.html)

The Flying Mouse

05 Feb 2009, 20:21

Bloke goes to the Dr's because everytime he masturbates he sings "you'll never walk alone", Dr told him not to worry, apparently loads of w****** sing that

:twisted: The body of a young man was dragged from the river Tyne yesterday.
He was wearing a pair of high heels, a pair of stockings complete with sussies, glitter make up, and a Newcastle United shirt.He also had a dildo up his ass.

Police removed the football shirt to spare his family any embarrasment.

:p

Monstro

05 Feb 2009, 21:21

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years".

He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.

"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"

"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!

The Flying Mouse

05 Feb 2009, 22:27

:twisted: Why has there never been any mention of Newcastle United in Star Trek?

Star Trek is set in the future :lol:

It's fun not being a footy fan :p

daveake

06 Feb 2009, 20:35

http://www.acapela.tv/good-old-times-bc491e520fbd1.html

daveake

08 Feb 2009, 11:34

Dear Roger,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Alison

Dear Alison:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Roger

daveake

12 Feb 2009, 09:04

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,. 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed, and started to get out of his bed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fecking blanket.'

daveake

16 Feb 2009, 12:32

Latest news from F1 is that Max Moseley has decided to go for an extra term as FIA President. In a statement, he said "It is clear that F1 needs clear leadership in a climate where the teams are strapped for cash. This is something that I obviously have experience in"

The Flying Mouse

17 Feb 2009, 22:44

:twisted: Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.' :bleh:

The Flying Mouse

17 Feb 2009, 22:51

:twisted: A priest parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a traffic warden along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." :p

The Flying Mouse

17 Feb 2009, 22:54

:twisted: While in America..................

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

The Flying Mouse

17 Feb 2009, 23:04

:twisted: The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go cat go :mrgreen:."

The Flying Mouse

17 Feb 2009, 23:08

:twisted: One sunny day in 2009, an old soldier approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with Vice President Palin."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Palin is not Vice President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with Vice President Sarah Palin."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Palin is not Vice President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with Vice President Sarah Palin."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs Palin. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Palin is not the Vice President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing you say it!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow sir."

The Flying Mouse

17 Feb 2009, 23:10

:twisted: An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Older Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one?"

Older Woman: "Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving."

Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."

Older Woman: "I can't do that."

Officer: "Why not?"

Older Woman: "I stole this car."

Officer: "Stole it?"

Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what?"

Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"

Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Older Woman: "Murdered the owner?"

Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"

Older Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

AndyK

17 Feb 2009, 23:13

Whoa .. .careful with some of those jokes Neil, they're antiques!

The Flying Mouse

17 Feb 2009, 23:25

:twisted: You say antiques, I say classics.

Thin line huh? :shrug:

The Flying Mouse

17 Feb 2009, 23:39

:twisted: Ten reasons why you make your dog angry.

1. Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

allrevvedup

18 Feb 2009, 21:26

gotta like that one

daveake

24 Feb 2009, 08:47

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist gut, but I must vorn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vish zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....Four-sprung Duck technique'

AndyK

24 Feb 2009, 14:07

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out of the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...?"

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your f....ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"

mszee

25 Feb 2009, 00:57

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do

you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,

a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty

the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because

it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a

bed near the window?"

mszee

25 Feb 2009, 00:57

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when he sees a sign that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

daveake

26 Feb 2009, 00:47

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at the admiring passengers seated around her. Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move." The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model."

Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back." The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" --and shows no signs of moving.

Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, leaves the cockpit, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Slightly amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed...what did you say to her?" The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."

daveake

26 Feb 2009, 00:48

85% of Scouse males say they enjoy sex in the shower.......the other 15% haven't been to jail yet.

Lord Kagan

26 Feb 2009, 01:48

whats the difference between a bucket or marbles and a bucket of babies?
you cant empty a bucket of marbles with a pitchfork

daveake

02 Mar 2009, 17:06

A wealthy female hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan.'

daveake

03 Mar 2009, 12:54

A real conversation from a phone-in on Talk Sport radio after Scotland's draw with the Faroe Islands.
____________________________________

Presenter: We have Jim on the line who wants to discuss Faroes vs Scotland.

Jim: Thanks... eh yeah. Just want to say it's an absolute disgrace. I mean we were playing the weakest side in world football and we can't do better then a draw.

Presenter: It was a poor result...

Jim: Poor result?? It's absolutely scandalous! The manager has lost the plot completely, he has to go. I know we have never set the world alight over the years on the international stage but I can't remember things being this bad. It's the end for us. The absolute end. We are the laughing stock of world football.

Presenter: Look Jim, I know it looks bad but there is still a long way to go, admittedly there does not seem much chance of you qualifying for 2004 but things will improve.

Jim: I never expected to qualify and don't mind that so much as we are not good enough... but to fail to beat a team like Scotland is a different matter and a real massive blow to everyone on the island.

mszee

05 Mar 2009, 22:37

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge

boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

mszee

06 Mar 2009, 00:20

'THE MAORI APPROACH'............................

A maori boy moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Otorohanga.'

The manager liked the boy so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The boy said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£ 124,237.64. pounds'

The manager choked and exclaimed '124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small packet of fish hooks, then a medium packet of fish hooks, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him that it's a waste of time fishing from the shore and really needed a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Toyota Land-Cruiser.'

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend......
so I just told him that Since your weekend's ~~~~~~ed, you may as well go fishing Mate!'

daveake

14 Mar 2009, 09:22

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells ....

'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

daveake

30 Mar 2009, 19:47

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

mszee

30 Mar 2009, 20:11

Dave, this is priceless...thank you.

Hypnobabe

31 Mar 2009, 15:39

1 I find your lack of pants disturbing.
2 You are unwise to lower your pants.
3 Your pants, you will not need them.
4 Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
5 I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
6 The Force is strong in my pants.
7 You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
8 In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering
9 Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.
10 I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants.

For more, see http://www.keepersoflists.org/index.php?lid=1906

The Flying Mouse

01 Apr 2009, 16:03

daveake

07 Apr 2009, 09:01

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out, saving him from drowning.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to now be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act is of an obviously sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

daveake

12 Apr 2009, 20:47

Police have found more bodies inside the pie factory at Huddersfield.

The total is now put at approximately 3.142

Monstro

12 Apr 2009, 22:31

Police have found more bodies inside the pie factory at Huddersfield.

The total is now put at approximately 3.142

I do like clever humor, nice one

daveake

17 Apr 2009, 16:25

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG......

clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop ...

An Amish drive-by shooting.

mjbo

18 Apr 2009, 20:22

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! Me so sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!' :-)

mszee

19 Apr 2009, 19:12

Yesterday I was sitting with my wife and talked about this and that...somehow we got on the subject of euthanasia...this is a very delicate subject concerning a choice between life and death...

So I told my wife...I wouldn't wish my enemy to get into this type of a position...when you exist in full dependency of the life support machines and the only food you can have is IV fluids. I told her that if I ever get to this point, she should immediately disconnect machines keeping me alive.

She immediately got up, turned off TV and computer and poured all my beer down the sink...

What an idiot!

daveake

20 Apr 2009, 13:30

After 30 years of marriage Janet and her husband Mark went for counselling.

When asked to describe her problems, Janet went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Janet to stand, tore open blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately.

A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.

Janet flushed, tries to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze. The therapist turned to Mark and said, 'Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

daveake

04 May 2009, 15:23

http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/depressed-stormtrooper-20080528-084411.jpg

daveake

05 May 2009, 14:26

A Lion, A Bear and A Pig are aguing who is the toughest of them all

The Lion says when I roar the whole jungle runs and hides so I'm the toughest

The Bear says when I roar the whole forest runs and hides so I'm the toughest

The Pig says you're both wrong. I'm the toughest, because when I sneeze the whole world shites itself.

daveake

10 May 2009, 10:16

DvHOXiP9O_Y

daveake

12 May 2009, 13:31

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y126/Killer2005/pain.gif

Cpl Mickey

12 May 2009, 18:52

If after a night out drinking and some one you know is a bit worse for wear tell them
They have CRAFT Syndrone (Can't Remember A F*****g Thing) xx

daveake

14 May 2009, 15:54

Rick Astley walks into rehab.

The receptionist says, "Feck off - you're never gonna give it up."

The Flying Mouse

14 May 2009, 17:37

Rick Astley walks into rehab.

The receptionist says, "Feck off - you're never gonna give it up."

:twisted: I like that one :mrgreen:

daveake

17 May 2009, 12:42

Not a joke, but funny anyway. An email taken from the " Darwin Awards near misses".

Dear Carl,

Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun-adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.

Awesome!!!

I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave.

There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.

I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL!

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!!

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Jacob

daveake

21 May 2009, 14:00

Max Mosley Edition ...

http://i41.tinypic.com/nosigl.jpg

Monstro

24 May 2009, 16:58

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,

'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

daveake

26 May 2009, 12:26

http://www.picamatic.com/show/2009/05/11/01/53/3598743_1200x400.gif

daveake

26 May 2009, 12:27

http://img18.imageshack.us/img18/8772/trektwitanim.gif

daveake

29 May 2009, 09:14

A couple was lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth
wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a
special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before
we were married I was a hooker for eight years.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes
and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I
cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a
few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She says 'I don't think you understand, my name was Tom and I played
rugby for Wales ...

daveake

31 May 2009, 14:32

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet:
Yorkshire man: "Ah've come to see thee abaht mah cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' me."

daveake

31 May 2009, 14:33

A Yorkshire man wins the lottery,he gets all the usual big house,fast car stuff,he decides to get a gold statue made of his beloved dog,off he goes to the goldsmiths
"i'd like a gold statue o mi dog"
"18 carat,sir?"
"no, chewin' a bone ya daft sod"

Wario

31 May 2009, 15:31

what do you call a potato with a large penis?
A Dictator

daveake

04 Jun 2009, 12:57

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?

"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."

daveake

04 Jun 2009, 23:53

A Welshman is admiring his Kiwi friend's sheep.

'Got him well trained', says the Kiwi proudly, 'watch this'. He goes up to the sheep, smacks it on the head and the sheep promptly gives him a blowjob. 'And to stop', said the Kiwi, 'I just smack him on the head again'.

'That's fantastic' said the Welshman.

The Kiwi winked and said 'Here, why don't you have a go'?

'Brilliant' said the Welshman, 'just don't hit me too hard on the head'

daveake

06 Jun 2009, 18:49

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I Tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me.I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So, saying "we need to talk" I tried to get him to engage with me but he just switched on the TV,and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know where I stand and I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

England lost in the football.
Got a shag though.

daveake

10 Jun 2009, 12:51

http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/6969/suppliesbc7.gif

daveake

12 Jun 2009, 14:25

http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m219/reaper6682000/Fly-NotFly.gif

daveake

17 Jun 2009, 14:36

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

duke knooby

18 Jun 2009, 19:52

2 cannibals eating a clown for tea
one turns to the other and says...

does this taste funny to you??

daveake

24 Jun 2009, 11:06

http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b159/bat-trick/ducks.jpg

MeatGrl1

28 Jun 2009, 18:24

Two men walked past Beethoven's grave and heard some music coming from his grave and so they stopped and listened and heard the 9th Symphony played backwards, then the 8th, the first man asked the second, 'What's that ?' and the second man replied; 'That's Beethoven decomposing!'

daveake

05 Jul 2009, 15:07

http://i37.tinypic.com/jkuog3.gif

AndrewG

05 Jul 2009, 15:36

Lol that is hilarious.

daveake

06 Jul 2009, 14:56

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00029/F_2007Viral_e-mails2_29549a.jpg

daveake

08 Jul 2009, 12:23

http://afr0jacks.com/images/stories/skateboarder_doublefail.gif

daveake

10 Jul 2009, 17:08

http://thumbsnap.com/s/sCZIhMpj.jpg

allrevvedup

10 Jul 2009, 20:07

oh i can see that getting some interesting responses.

mszee

10 Jul 2009, 20:12

oh i can see that getting some interesting responses.

Yep...he is definitely going to hell for THAT...

daveake

10 Jul 2009, 20:17

I'm going there anyway, might as well have some fun till then ...

daveake

28 Jul 2009, 09:36

Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought
a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell
hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do
his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Hertfordshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result.

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

AndyK

27 Aug 2009, 13:12

The last 10p

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face ... The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back ... The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly ... After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

AndyK

28 Aug 2009, 09:23

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it..

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

AndyK

28 Aug 2009, 13:08

The mother of Caster Semenya, women's 800m world champion, has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test.

She said 'This is a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter'

daveake

28 Aug 2009, 13:55

:lmao:

Did you know that "Caster Semenya" is an anagram of "Yes, A Secret Man"? :lol:

AndyK

03 Sep 2009, 12:36

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are Freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to ~~~~ the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of ~~~~ing one?

AndyK

09 Sep 2009, 11:50

A lion, a bear and a pig are in a bar, showing off.
The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself..."

duke knooby

22 Sep 2009, 19:31

there's 2 fish in a tank
one fish says to the other...

do you know how to drive this? :lawl:

daveake

23 Sep 2009, 16:52

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. 'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought!

Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out his fun size Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper.

Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.

For crying out loud

02 Oct 2009, 16:24

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tyre?

For crying out loud

02 Oct 2009, 16:29

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.

They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.

After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?'

The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw.

With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed.

As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'

For crying out loud

02 Oct 2009, 17:35

and my personal favorite;

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and
those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

AndyK

22 Dec 2009, 16:35

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS!
He really, really had to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?"

"No sir," the Bobby replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'."

mszee

24 Dec 2009, 03:52

That was VERY funny, Andy...

mjbo

26 Dec 2009, 23:03

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

Ankie

07 Mar 2010, 09:42

No jokes any more?

mszee

11 Mar 2010, 01:59

BI RTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

AndyK

11 Mar 2010, 10:51

:lmao:

howlerformeatloaf

11 Mar 2010, 12:09

My doctor told me the other day that I had to lose some weight. He suggested I walk or jog 10 miles a day. Two days later he called me and asked me how I was doing and I said fine but I am 20 miles from home. :lol:

Monstro

15 Mar 2010, 19:21

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.

It's called the iRon.

mjbo

15 Mar 2010, 22:16

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Monstro

20 Sep 2010, 11:57

THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

The Flying Mouse

14 Dec 2010, 20:51

:twisted: Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are
comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that
My husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in
the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
Somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I
ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both
still be alive :facepalm: .

daveake

11 Jan 2011, 12:18

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

melon

11 Jan 2011, 13:58

What does a person with Diarrhoea & an Australian BatsMAN (Emphasis on the Man) have in common?

Neither know when their next runs are coming.

duke knooby

13 Jan 2011, 00:24

Whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero

Iron Woman is simply an instruction!

AndrewG

14 Jan 2011, 12:50

A man walks up to a red pony and asks:
"Do u have a sore throat?"
The red pony replies:
"No i’m just a little horse"

daveake

16 Jan 2011, 11:46

Who should you consult for sex insurance?

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.

Sex with long-term partner - Standard Life.

Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability.

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your biographer - Quote me happy.

Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go.

Casual sex with different partners - Go Compare.

Sex with a she-male - Confused.com

duke knooby

03 Mar 2011, 13:26

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

duke knooby

03 Mar 2011, 13:28

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Battybarb

03 Mar 2011, 19:58

Monstro

07 Mar 2011, 15:58

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. However he was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered her tender touch for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

"Feels great", he replied "....but I still think my thumb's broken!"

duke knooby

08 Mar 2011, 16:45

Subject: FW: I LOVE NJ

August 15 - Moved to our new home in Jersey . It's so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I'm going to love it here!

October 14 - Jersey is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE!!

November 10 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 15 - Ah, more leaves and more exercise.

November 18 - Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it's best to wait until they've all fallen before I rake again.

November 25 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today's final raking it's over for this season.
Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.

November 30 - What the ~~~~? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they'll just have to wait until spring.

December 12 - It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again.
What a beautiful place. I Love Jersey !

December 14 - More snow last night, I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. I Love it here.

December 19 - More snow again last night. Can't get out of the driveway. Can't get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. ~~~~ing snowplow.

December 22 - More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren't bad enough, now I've got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shoveling the driveway. The asshole.

December 25 - Merry ~~~~ing Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the ~~~~~~~. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ~~~~ing ice.

December 27 - More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. ~~~~ing gloves got wet and then froze on my hands.

Doctor said it was just a mild case of frost bite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

December 28 - The ~~~~ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white shit. At this rate it won't melt 'till summer.

The plow got stuck up the road and the ~~~~~~~ came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I'd already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his ~~~~ing head.

January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. ~~~~ing beast should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the ~~~~ing salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Sarasota Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God forsaken state of New Jersey .

Didn't even mention taxes!